My reasons. I can't give in again

[IsItEnough]

My 3 yr old asking me 'why daddy doesn't like you mummy'

My 3 yr old putting her hands over her ears and going 'aaaaaaaaa' cos daddy raised his voice.

My 3 yr old asking why is daddy angry again mummy

My 3 yr old whispering to me after he has left the house 'I don't want daddy to talk anymore'

Being told it's all my fault

Being screamed at because my memory of any event isn't the same as his and that must mean I'm calling him a liar

Being called a liar. A lot

Being ignored

Having any and all efforts rebuffed then being told how I never try. (Not talking sex. But everyday life)

Having to accept that things I don't like will be said to me and then when I'm upset being told to get a sense of humour. Lighten up.
Then having to endure him being upset that I am upset. And then that being my fault.
So being ignored for it.

Being told that he isn't ignoring me. That he just doesn't have anything to say.
Including hello, goodbye, thank you or are you ok etc.

Having him go from calm to tornado fury in a split second and being called all the names under the sun.

Never ever getting an apology.

Making me feel like a shit person when I'm not.

For refusing to let me have anyone at my own wedding ( I know I shouldn't have married him but I did. In an effort to prove my love)

Not being allowed to even talk about the future. Possible purchases or holidays because it makes him angry that he can't afford them at this very fucking second so we can't even talk about what we might like to do with our lives.

For moving himself onto the sofa because our 6 week old DS was disturbing him too much at night.

For complaining about sleeping on the sofa while I selfishly had the whole bed to myself.

For insisting DS be circumcised.

For not buying me a wedding ring for 3 years and belittling me by making out I was all about the material things.

For picking fights prior to every occasion. Birthdays, Valentine's, anniversaries. And thereby never getting me cards or gifts.

For saying I don't deserve gifts.

For pushing me when I was pregnant. Both times.

For keeping a picture of his first wife hidden away in his 'important documents' - it's not the photo that bothers me. It's the hidden and the temper tantrum that followed my finding it.

For always saying we will do things but never doing them.

For always being late for everything.

For hiding the fact he is an award winning bell end until after I was pregnant with dd.

For fooling me for so long.

I could go on and on.
But tonight I told him that he is a bully. And that I've endured as much as I can for my children's sake. But that it doesn't benefit them anymore so I want him gone.
He left in a temper but he will be back and then he will flatly ignore me until I give in.

Oh and it's the first day of Ramadan tomorrow and he is a Muslim so he will be 100 times more miserable then normal as he doesn't do Ramadan for the right reasons so he is a fucking grumpy surly Bomb waiting to go off for a month.

I don't love him. I don't even like him.

These are my reasons. And I will add things as I think of them to try to keep myself strong.

[Lweji]

Have you contacted Woman's Aid?
They may offer specific advice on how to remove him safely.

So, Monday it is, is it?

[FeelMeLikeAnOcean]

Work on you, now!

[IsItEnough]

For cooking for me tonight and expecting me to break his fast with him and then being angry when I just did my own thing.

He actually just said to me 'thought you hated it when I ignore you but it's ok for you to ignore me then?'

I said 'I'm not ignoring you. I simply have nothing to say' in a sweet voice dripping with contempt and sarcasm.
It felt good.

Monday will be the day...
I have made plans for the whole weekend so me and the kids will basically be out from wake up to bedtimes maybe later

I have no one close to give documents too but I have hidden them in the baby bag. All money is separate anyway. I know MN's hate that but it was the only way it worked for us. Silver lining?

Last night was a sad lonely desolate night. Tonight is a 'fuck you. Fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more' kind of night.
Who knows what tomorrow will be.

But, I have had the nicest most enjoyable day with my 2 DC today that we have had in a while.

This has to stick. It has to.

[Lweji]

To stay safe is the most important thing.

And not to doubt yourself.

You can do it.

[Everythinghappensforareason1]

I could of write your post a year ago. Get out ASAP, it's hard but will be worth it. Hugs

[tipsytrifle]

Totally wishing you strength and courage to see this through. The tone of your posts has a really strong core that truly is saying "enough". Don't give in. Don't know what your plan is but I have total faith that you will get him out of your space.

[IsItEnough]

For insisting we buy and prepare our own food when I was 34 weeks pregnant and struggling to walk and we lived 3/4 mile from the nearest shop. And for only stopping at 39 weeks because my mum told him what a dick he was being

[AuntyMag10]

Your first reason alone on the list is enough. He sounds like a truly awful person, rotten to the core. Please don't allow your precious kids to grow up with someone like this. You need to leave him.

[QuiteLikely5]

If you do what you always did you will get what you always got.

Please get out. This isn't how relationships are. Honestly. There's a whole new life waiting for you. You can be happy again. But you have to take control of the situation.

Watch out for Mr Nice. He will be out to see you any day now. Because he will sense your withdrawal from him, he will know he has pushed you a little to far and that he needs to reel you back in.

To do that he will throw you some crumbs, crumbs of hope that he is a nice person but watch out as soon as you take those crumbs and cheer up he will revert to Mr Nasty and your cycle will start all over again.

[IsItEnough]

Feeling a little bit lonely and isolated today.

None of my family live near by.
Mum and brother (SIL and DC) are on holidays and no one seems to have mobile signal. Have told my sis what is happening but I've been here so many times I think she just thinks 'yeah, but in a few days you'll be ok again' so she isn't being very supportive.

Not losing my resolve, but this is tough when your alone with 2 small DC. Just wallowing I guess

[Lweji]

Someone will be here on MN.

Have you told your sister about Monday? Could she be there with you?

Leaving someone is lonely. Only you can do it. Nobody else can do it for you. And you have to accept that responsibility and keep that resolve.

[QuiteLikely5]

You cannot lose your resolve. You're in a living hell darling.

Oh it's can be lonely with young DC but it will get better.

[IsItEnough]

My DS has done nothing but cry for the 1.5 hours cos the blumming postman woke him up and no amount of rocking, cuddling, feeding etc is settling him back into a nap. He's too tired to eat lunch properly and literally just screams if I won't let him pinch, bite me or pull my hair.
I'm exhausted. And by the time I do et him back to a nap. Dd will wake from hers and then I have shouting, throwing and tantrums to look forward to for the whole day.

Just lonely and a bit emotionally unstable right now. Really needed the break of them napping at the same time to gather myself as I hate being upset in front of dd.

[category1]

Children never nap when you really need them to. Gather up your stuff and when they're both awake, get out of the house to a park or something. I always found it harder being tired and upset and trying to get them down for naps or whatever, I always felt better if I just went out with them instead. They'll probably end up sleeping in the pushchair.

Stay strong.

[Hissy]

You are living the life I used to live. The 'religion' is the same.

You have NO chance of this man ever changing. Understand this now. PM me if you need to?

My family were not supportive when Ex left, so you have to know that if you must do this alone, you can and will. I did. You can too.

My DS was 5 when Ex left and he said to me 'Did daddy leave because he shouted at mummy?' Your 3 yo is WAY ahead of my DS.

You have allowed this man to do so much damage to you all, but it's understandable how powerless you have felt, because that is what abuse does to you. Now you know what you have to do, you need to do it and know that on the other side, calm waters and peace lie.

If you think for a second that he will turn nasty, please contact the local police DV team and ask for back up. be very careful to cover your tracks and not give him a heads up. I don't need to tell you that this is the most dangerous phase of getting free. Your life and those of your children are at risk until he is gone and you are safely alone.

You need to contact the local police to get this on record. you also need to do the same with the Doctor and Health visitor. this may help you get legal aid to protect yourself and your children and during divorce proceedings.

[Lweji]

I agree with going out.
Get some air, some sun and it really helps.

[IsItEnough]

Thank you.

I have been angry and powered by it until now.
Today I'm just sad and scared. Not scared of him. But scared of the future. Alone etc.
and then, the next minute I'm excited!
H was so restrictive. So negative. I am excited that I'll be able to whatever we want, whenever we want.

[thegreysheep]

It will get easier and you sound very strong inside and know your reasons - my ex ticked a lot of those reasons too. You are just going through the rollercoaster at the moment - I did too - one week excited, one angry, one sad, one calm...but I know you know in your heart and soul that you are doing right by yourself and your kids, it will be hard for a while, but not nearly as hard as a life with this man.

Good luck Monday and keep posting for support X

[Hissy]

i got agoraphobia thanks to the life that 'man' begrudgingly allowed me. took me AGES to overcome it. AND the therapy, AND the Freedom Programme, AND the Domestic abuse support group.

And time. lots of time.

he's due to fly back to this country next week too. first time in 4 years. I've over the shock now but I am anxious.

Take care of yourself, your little ones and know that you will be OK.

All the things you can't do now, you will be able to do as of next week. the freedom is amazing! you will feel angry, you have every right to feel this.

You will feel stupid, monumentally so - this is usual too, but remind yourself that you are not stupid. you didn't do this, you are not the one so inferior and weak you have to destroy another person to feel good about yourself.

The life you live is not correct. it's not sanctioned by god or anything, it's HIS choice to be the man he is, to treat you and your children the way he does.
He abuses and controls you all BECAUSE HE WANTS TO.

Could you call Womans Aid when you are alone and talk through your feelings?

[FantasticButtocks]

The list so far is horrendous. It's good you have now had enough.

When you feel your resolve cracking, go back and look at this thread from the beginning. Your 3 year old's comments will be enough.

Even though you are scared, your life will be so much better than it has been with him. This stuff wears you down over time, but I think you'll feel the benefits as soon as you are rid of this joyless and thoroughly unpleasant individual.

Very best of luck

[IsItEnough]

I don't want to make any calls in front of dd. everything will have to wait til Monday when she is at nursery. She only goes Monday and Tuesday.

There is so much to sort out.

I know that it's not my fault, that he chooses these things. But I think that he genuinely believes the bullshit he spouts.

When we says that everything is my fault. Like if only I had not asked that question then he wouldn't have gotten angry....
Does anyone else see that there is a very bizarre logic to that - a completely unreasonable asshole logic - but a logic? That does make me feel 'he's right. I knew asking that question would piss him off but I asked him anyway' but I also think 'I should be allowed to ask any question I like, and he should control himself' and I know this is right. Cos I don't fly off the handle when he says things I don't like.
He also gets mad if he says something I don't like and I show that I didn't like it. As in, if he upsets me. Instead of feeling bad that he's upset me he gets angry cos I choose to be upset...

I've no idea why it should work both ways for him!!

I'm so tired. Dd adores him. I actually think that is going to be harder to deal with. Her emotions will be harder then mine.

[Atenco]

literally just screams if I won't let him pinch, bite me or pull my hair

I know all children are different, OP, but living with your STBexH's anger will be really affecting the behaviour of your children. My dd's baby was only two months old when her father started shouting at my dd at the top of his voice and being aggressive. We kicked him out but you could hear the anger is the baby's crying for a good two weeks afterwards.

So you and they have really nowhere to go but up in this case.

But do get in touch with Women's Aid to make sure you do this properly.

[mix56]

Luckily DD won't remember any of this "vibe", once he has been gone a couple of weeks.
Now is the time to ditch the bastard, & move on to a free life, for you & your kids......

[Atenco]

Luckily DD won't remember any of this "vibe", once he has been gone a couple of weeks

I'm sure you are right, mix56, kids are resillient but easier to bring up and more enjoyable when not immersed in a stressful situation

[IsItEnough]

I hope so. Cos she is such a happy little thing but her temper.... . Maybe I've fooling myself that it's just her being 3?
DS is quite a shouty baby but also very happy. He has been extremely clingy since birth though. Separation anxiety seems to have kicked in this week. He cries pitifully and heartbreakingly if I'm as much as 3 ft away! If I leave the room you would think he was in pain!!



I feel a bit numb. Like it isn't sort of real.
I know he doesn't believe me. And yes, Mr Nice has popped in for a visit. That will last a day or 2 then he will be angry at me again for not giving in.