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Relationships

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Original poster

I feel like I never ever want to have sex again in my life

23 replies

nevereveragain · 14/11/2006 23:19

I'm a regular MNer with a name change!
I feel like I never want to have sex again. Not just not with dh, just not at all. It just doesn't appeal.
Over the last few years, since I had my first child, there is only one occasion where I really felt that I truly wanted to have sex. Other than that I have done it please dh and/or to conceive.

I need to do something about this for the sake of my marriage, but in a way I resent that because if it was up to me I would just live without for the time being.

Any tips/suggestions/words of wisdom?

OP posts:

emmatom · 14/11/2006 23:33

Do you reckon it's just because of tiredness, length of time with partner (boredom) or something like your age (don't know how old you are by the way).

Could be just a blip in your relationship. If your dh felt the same way I suppose there wouldn't be a problem, but if he wants sex regularly then you'll have to make the decision.

You can lie back and think of England or if you really want to change there are all sorts of things like remembering what used to get you in the mood and making time for it like you used to. If dh did this, that or the other, would it make a difference, ie do you need to be romanced or something like that.

There's no quick and easy answer I don't think. I remember the times when me and dh were always in bed at every opportunity but 20+ years on, jim-jams and a cup of tea can sometimes seem more appealing. Having said that I still yearn, need and enjoy the closeness that sex brings. I just wish the tiredness and parenthood didn't get in the way sometimes.

If you could explain to your dh that you just arn't up for it at the moment (however long that moment is), would he understand and be patient?

Tortington · 14/11/2006 23:35

go to doctors

sex is good.

Bananaknickers · 14/11/2006 23:35

I never felt like sex that much until my eldest was at least 7. How old are your children?

Original poster

nevereveragain · 14/11/2006 23:36

Thanks for your answer.
We have only done it once in the last 14 months, so his patience, while great, is running a bit thin.

Need to go to bed now, very tired.

Would be very grateful for more thoughts!

OP posts:

Original poster

nevereveragain · 14/11/2006 23:36

My children are five, three and five months.
I am 33 and we have been married eight years, together 12 years.

OP posts:

Heathcliffscathy · 14/11/2006 23:38

how long has this been for.

i agree that sex is important. but celibacy i something that is underrated, if it is a phase.

controlfreaky2 · 14/11/2006 23:39

i think for many women young children and all that goes with it and active sex life dont easily mix. took me a LONG time to get back on track.... i think ther's a lot in the idea that even if you think you're not in the mood you will often get in the mood once you start and also in the idea that the more you have sex the more you want to have sex.... hth

controlfreaky2 · 14/11/2006 23:40

if you have three and youngest only 5 months you are remarkable to be even thinking much about sex imo....

emmatom · 14/11/2006 23:40

Yes, get to bed neverever. Sounds like you need to. You've got three very little ones there. You're probably run ragged, no wonder you're not in the mood.

Talk again another time. Night night!

joelallie · 15/11/2006 10:10

You're tired, you are emotionally as well as physically worn out, when it comes to the end of the day you need your space. Of all the people who 'need' you your DH comes last ....not nice but he's an adult. I've been there ..for years and years. I also have 3 kids but older than yours now...my youngest is 3 and my eldest is neatly 10. Like you, I can honestly say that there has only been one occasion that I've really wanted sex in the last 10 years. But I would say that when it does happen it is always good and getting better....and I am starting to want it again more now.

I don't know what advice to give....a GP can't stop you being a mother of 3 young kids and there is nothing wrong with you anyway, it's just circumstances. Explain to your DH that you still care for him but that atm you're really not that keen. Sadly sex is important for a relationship and we find that we get snappy and iritable with each other if we go through too long a drought. Perhaps to agree a set time for sex once a week or so and stick to it. Then you don't have to worry about him a suggesting it at any other time and feeling uncomfortable around him and he won't feel deprived and excluded. You may enjoy it more than you think and the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get started.

Good luck. You are most definitely not alone.

Glassofwine · 15/11/2006 10:28

I agree with what some people have said about having young children. DH and I went through a couple of years of hardly ever having sex, we had three children in three years and were exhausted. The last two are only 11 months apart, which makes everyone think we were at it non stop, but actually our third was conceived only the second time we'd had sex after the second baby was born. Neither of us was all that bothered, dh was resigned to it and reassured me that he didn't really mind.

However now the children are 7, almost 5 and almost 4 - we are at it on a regular and most enjoyable basis. We have a fantastic sex life. Not as tired, we get a lie in at the weekends, not bf, just not as frazzled, not as hormonal.

It may pass.

morningpaper · 15/11/2006 12:43

I think that the more you do it, the more you want it. The less you do it, the less you want it.

Do you ermmm masturbate? Could you force yourself to? If you get your body regularly used to sex again (just by yourself) then you might find desire returning. Even if you don't particularly WANT to, there is nothing wrong with just doing it for yourself for a while and seeing if that makes a difference. After all, you probably do 100 other chores in a day...

Good luck

doggiesayswoof · 15/11/2006 12:49

This month's issue of Scarlett magazine has a bit about increasing your libido - quite practical advice. It's got advice for people with longer-term issues as well. It does advocate scheduling in time to masturbate and says you have to do it even if you don't feel like it - a bit like going to the gym I guess

I agree with morningpaper, after a while that bit of your brain sort of shuts down I think, and you need to do it to make yourself want it IYSWIM. Not that easy when your focus is on so many other things and you are knackered, I know.

You will thank yourself in years to come if you get going again though - good luck.

poppynic · 15/11/2006 12:54

I'm totally with you nevereveragain. I just don't care. However, I read that they had given up trying to do a successful female "viagra" because for women to get turned on they have to be relaxed. And right there is where young children and sex don't mix. Only way, I reckon, is to get a childless weekend away somehow.

Original poster

nevereveragain · 15/11/2006 12:57

Thanks everybody for posting, all good advice here.

On a purely practical level I just don't know when in the day I would fit in masturbating.

OP posts:

me23 · 15/11/2006 13:01

agree that masturbation will help. maybe buy a vibrator? even if its just used for clitoral stimulation the rabbit is a good one!

I hope you are able to sort this out, it must be hard with 3 lo's! just take it step by step.

good luck

morningpaper · 15/11/2006 13:32

before sleep? before you get out of bed?

I manage to cram a lot in

poppynic · 15/11/2006 13:42

Just doesn't do it for me at all - maybe I need sex therapy (I'm sure dp would agree....)

Original poster

nevereveragain · 15/11/2006 16:28

right... in the morning I am half dead until dh's alarm goes off, five minutes later two children pile in (the third one being in the room already)

Not really the right time then...

I suppose I could in the evening, but I find that as soon as I lie down sleep overcomes me.

I think I'll go with hoping that things will improve over time...

OP posts:

lazyanna · 15/11/2006 22:37

Why the fuss, if you don't like it, don't do it, and ignore the "ooh, you should want to have sex" nonsense, just because men like it, we're expected to.

morningpaper · 15/11/2006 22:40

"men like it so we're expected to"?

lazyanna, sex is an important part of the life-long pairing relationships that we are committed to

I personally think it is the barometer for our relationships

For the vast majority of people, it isn't an optional extra, whether you are a man or a woman

JoolsToo · 15/11/2006 22:45

'cram a lot in' ???

sorry!

Rantum · 15/11/2006 22:59

Since having ds, dh and I are lucky if we feel like sex once a month and we only have ONE child - and I abstained completely until ds was 6 months, so dh had to go without for quite a while. It was hard to feel sexy when you are totally worn out - I know that in order to have sex I have to feel a bit sexy, not frazzled, exhausted with leftover baby food dripping from my hair and stains on my nasty tracksuit. If I get any free time I use it to have a long soak in the bath and then collapse in to bed for some sleep. However, I do think trying to make time for sex helps your libido come back as long as you don't feel too much pressure - is there anyone that can watch your children for you for an afternoon/evening? Perhaps have a bath together or massage each other, just get intimate without fear of interruption? Also, can help if your dh lets you have some time to yourself so that you can spend some time on yourself - doing hair, nails, even just having a long soak while he watches children - nothing like having a sense of yourself other than just as a mother for helping you regain some desire for sex.

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