Please STOP me contacting ex... I'm nearly cracking

[givemehopehelpmecope]

I called it a day with my bf last week. I'd written about his depression on here and you gave me some great advice. Since I called it off last week I've enrolled on the freedom programme (online) & done tonnes of reading about red flags & my goodness he ticked LOADS of them.

His behaviour in last three weeks was erratic & a bit scary. When I told him I was a bit scared of him he fly into a rage & stormed out my house, saying 'how dare I say that' - errrrr because you did scare me! I was brave & told him to his face I was backing out of his life as he clearly had issues (with exW, money, life in general, nothing his fault etc). I told him to contact me when he had his life back in order. Needless to say, He hasn't been in touch at all (what a surprise!) but I'm pining for him. I can't stop thinking about him, what he's up to & wondering if he'll ever be in touch. I'm so tempted to call/text - it's killing me! I miss him (well, what he used to be like when we first met), we were so clues, did liars together with our DCs (with previous partners, none together). My heart wants him, my head says I've done the right thing as it was horrible at the end.

Please give me a good talking to - I'm so tempted & I just want him to want me back. Beblunt - I need it :/! I'm an intelligent 40-something mother... Why do I feel like this?

You miss the nice him - not the man he actually is.

Delete his number, block him on facebook and anywhere else.

You are projecting what you want from a man onto him - the real him is something entirely different to what you want. Why do you think you deserve so little?

It's not him you want, it's the feeling you first had with him which is no longer there and you would likely never get with him again.

Throw yourself into looking for someone, something or maybe just yourself for now.

Thistle: I don't know why I think I deserve so little. I've always been like this: needing attention, craving physical attention & hating being on my own. I know I need to work on this, and of course I will be. I just keep thinking about all the fun times we shared last summer & Christmas & am gutted we won't have that again.

You will feel worse if you contact him, don't do it!

He's no good for you and you know it!

Stay strong. Happiness is just around the corner. You can do it!

If you contact him it will be more of the same......you know you have to go cold turkey so there is no point in re-contacting only to go through the same old cycle again and double the pain.

Why would you want to invite someone back into your life who is genuinely frightening? Really?

I think you know that you simply have to stick with this and see it through - all those red flag ticks aren't just an accident...

I think you need time on your own to build your self esteem. Looking for the wrong person to boost that self esteem will actually have the opposite effect.

Now, have you deleted his number yet, blocked him online etc?

Lol. No not deleted yet... But I'm not on social media, so not got that temptation! I pass his house on way out of our town (no other way), so that's torturing me too, knowing he's in there (yes, probably moving on & not giving a shit about me anymore!). I know I need to be on my own, I owe it to myself & DCs. I just hate it :(. But will keep trying. X

I miss the man he was when you first met. You split because he's no longer that man so that's not the man you'd be contacting. You'd be contacting the man you needed to split up with.

Please remember that

You are so right Joysmum, I will keep repeating that in my head!

Giveme. .. Ditto. Hard isn't it. I love the wise words from Joys, will also be making that my manta.... while planning my future as a mad cat lady in a house coat!

It has to be like and alcoholic staying away from alcohol! When you are tempted to contact him, call a friend instead!

Seriously, get a friend to agree to be the person you call if you are wanting to call him. You will only need this kind of support for a few weeks and then staying out of touch with him will get muuuuuuch easier.

Yes its is sooooooooo hard but am proud to say despite my heart SHOUTING at me, i have listened to my head & not called or texted. But I'm literally obsessing over him - he's in my thoughts constantly. I wish i could just fast forward the next few weeks :/. Been reading Baggage Reclaim & it's helping.

Take it 24 hours at a time. Promise yourself you won't contact him until tomorrow. The feeling will pass.

When it comes back, do it again. Every time. A day at a time.

Also remember if you contact him you can't control his response and it may make you feel worse. What if he ignores you? Tells you he's already moved on? etc etc.

I get like this too. I think i create a fantasy version of a 'perfect' man after breaking up which I then yearn for. especially if they don't give you any indication they give a shit about the breakup.

you have keep reminding yourself this is a projection, not reality.

How you doing OP, mine called me at 10pm last night to announce he no longer wants to go out with me - uh huh I ended it when I threw him out 3 or 4 weeks ago after being sworn at, and told him in person this week when he turned up at mine that it was over, I was done etc. He then made some thinly veiled threats by text about how I am to behave post break up.
The urge to ever contact him again has receeded totally!

Oh placeinthesun, I'm a little envious! I wish my need for contact would go away :/. I haven't heard a thing for 10 days. I told him i was backing off & it was up to him to contact me when he's sorted himself out. I KNOW I've done the right thing but i can't stop wishing he would call. But proud that i haven't given in to my need...!