Should I stand my friends up?

[VanillaMilkshake]

Just wanted to run this past you all.

DH and I have a cirle of friends - 4 couples to be exact, so far 3 out of the four of us have kids - all under 5.

The men go out once weekly to play sport, and occasionally other times to watch footie and have a curry.

In May this year us ladies manged to get together for the first time ever for a meal out - without the men or children, which considering we have all known each other about 10 years is pretty sad!

We do meet up for birthdays etc. although it's round someones house and normally all the children are in tow - which we dont mind, it's part of being a parent.

And the childless one among us still goes out regularly with other groups of girlfriends - from school, uni, work etc. But she will be 30 next year and these friends if they dont already are also starting to become parents.. And I think she and her DH are also conisdering parenthood as well.

Anyway because the meal in May was a success, where we all stayed out much later than we have done since pre-children days the childless one has been keen to recreate the event. And has been bedgering us all for dates. We all agreed on this Friday and next and it was arranged. But I will be 37wks PG on Saturday and am so tired, I really can't be bothered to go.

It's not far from home, but I just dont have the energy to get dressed up or even hold my head up after about 7pm. Not to mention at this time of year with maternity leave just starting I can think of beter things to do with the £30 - £40 I will spend on the food etc, which I probably wont even eat.

If I tell them, especially the organiser, how I feel I know I will get coaxed and pressured and pestered and she will volounteer her DH to collect me and bring me home (the other men will be babysitting thier offspring) so I have no reason to refuse.

I feel like a scrooge, but also am so tired I know if she goes to far I may end up biting her head off.

It would be nice to go out especially as normally we all get together for New Year, but that's not hapening this year as two of our number will be away and we will have the new baby.

So am now considering just not showing up - and hopefully no one will phone me to remind me.

What do you all think?

Phone the organiser's mobile when she'll have left for the event and say you don't feel well and can't come out to play. I wouldn't just not turn up with no explanation, that will appear very rude - like a deliberate snub.

I think if you go you will enjoy it far more than you are anticipating. There is nothing wrong with goind but making it a much earlier night.

Alternatively can you get together and share take away - save some pennies?????

VanillaMilkshake - if they are the kind of friends who will "Hastle" you to go, even if you say no, then they will definilty phone to remind you!! Much better to say no right off, than not turn up and have to come up with an excuse! I also susspect that when they phone you to remind you, they will expect you to get in to a taxi and go straight there!

Is there a compromise - can you say you are just shattered and maybe meet them for drinks beforehand?

It's not even a taxi ride it's a 10 minute walk or 20 when heavily PG.

Was just not going to go and blame it on a pregnant state of forgetfulness.

I know if I phone the one who I closest to she will actually feel the same as me that it's too much hassle. She is the one I would walk with there with, and therefore be the one to phone me to arrange a time etc. Her DH works quite far away and it's rare for him to get home early enought to take on the kids and let her out.

Feign illness on the day - late that afternoon would be ideal as then it's too late for them to try to persuade you to go but still lets them know what's happening.

Imagine if you didn't turn up - for a start, they would ring you to find out where you were, secondly they would probably hold back from sitting at the table/ordering because they would be expecting you any minute. It would dominate their evening and would probably spoil it for them, which is hardly fair.It would be really rude to just not tell them, sorry!

IIWY I would develop d&v / food poisoning at about 4.30pm on the day

At 37 weeks, maybe you just need to tell them, on the day, that you aren't feeling very well and had to call your midwife who told you to rest?

They wont not speak to me because of it, we have all been friends too long and bridesmaids and ushers and bestmen at each others weddings that our friendship will survive, but equally I dont want to be shitty .

However I have always been a homebody and like nothing better than being in my own home. TBH if no one came to see me once DC no.2 has arrived I would'n mind. I'm not doing my image any favours here with you lot am I?

Don't think it's fair to just not go. Is there no way you could go for maybe just 1 hour. Most of your friends have got children.Surely they'd understand if you said you were dead on your feet? And then maybe, if you felt like staying later, you could.
Could you get some sort of assurance from your dh regarding a mercy lie-in on Saturday morning? That way you could have a chance to catch up with your friends and still catch up with sleep the following morning.

why not see how you feel when the day comes?

i often feel like this, and then find its way more relaxing to be out than slobbing aboutat home ( even with my advanced years and pregnant state)

if you really can't handle it on the day, being 37 weeks pregnant is a brilliant excuse.

TMMJ - how would I mes up thier night by not going - am not stopping them from going, just because I walk with one of them doesnt mean she wont go if I dont - she'll drive instead!

If anything by me not gong they will have a better night, and can go to a smokey pub for a drink afterwards, where as I will be complaining of being tired and refusing to go to such places, or indeed stay out too late. So the DH of friend would have to come get us all and their night would finish earlier than otherwise!

Definitely don't stand them up - they will worry about you and call you anyway.

I can understand how you feel and if they are mates they will too - you're too tired for a night out, say you're taking a raincheck this time but count you in for the next one after the baby is born.

Honesty is best policy here I think.

I agree wait and see how you feel on the day, remember with a new baby it's gonna be quite a wile before you go out with girlies again.

DH works on Staurday from 5am till 1pm so no lie-in. Also because of his shifts he needs to have his own catch-up sleep after work to be able to function as a human for the rest of the weekend. And despite looking after DD(3) I am no longer working so it's only fair I let him sleep. He's a great DH is very good at making sure I rest and helps with DD al the time. But if I go out my extended tiredness will be self inflicted so cannot be selfish towards him aout who gets to sleep on Saturday afternoon.

After hearing from you all I think I am going to chat to the most sympathetic of the trio as I know she will understand how I feel - she was in my shoes this time last year. Also she will let them know for me when she arrives as opposed to me having to phone before hand and getting all the coaxing.

That sounds like a good plan VM. I totally understand you not wanting to go !

Just to update you - have spoken to my friend who as anticipated was in complete agreement about not having the enthusiasm to go tomorrow night. But as her DH has made the effort to get home early has decided to show willing. And she will be telling the others on my behalf that I phoned her to let her know I would'nt be making it.