37, want a family, man I met online

[heybabycakesw]

I've been online dating for a few months.

I've recently met someone who I think is lovely - he ticks all the boxes and we've met many times over the last few weeks. He's come out of a long term relationship earlier this year (as have I), and weirdly, I feel like that was another life, compared to how I feel when I'm with this man. He has assured me that he is 100% ready to move on as well (this was discussed right at the start).

I've never clicked with anyone in this way before, and I feel like a teenager again.

However, he has a busy life and often can't speak due to his work, but is always polite about it and respectful. We have discussed kids etc (in a lighthearted do you want them kind of way), and he says he wants them but doesn't know when exactly. The problem is, I'm nearly 37 and I really want a family. I am NOT seeing this man because of that pure reason - I genuinely feel a strong connection with him.

But what I am trying to ask is that, at this stage in your life when you want kids and you've met someone you feel passionately about, how do you approach this topic and should I just be being blunt about this? I'm not saying I want them right this second, but I want to know that I'm not wasting my time with this man. Obviously, if I were ten years younger, I would wait and see how it pans out, but I don't have that luxury here. I want to have kids with the right person, and I don't want to ruin things between us by being intense... I know if I mention it again he will just say 'at some point.' There won't e a definite answer and I can kind of appreciate that say we've only known one another a few months.

Anyone been in this situation before?

I think shovetheholly's suggestion is good.

Having said that, only you can know what your relationship is like, and whether it is likely to scare him off. Whether that is a good or bad thing is another matter.

Having said baby quickly doesnt need to be a disaster!. I met my dh online and I mentioned wanting kids in that. I was 36 and had lots of friends younger than me who took years to get pregnant so I felt time was running out. We got drunk one night after going out for 3 months, talked about it and decided to try thinking it would take forever. It worked first time so we had a baby about a year after meeting. We gave been together 14 yrs now. I'm someone who goes mad and researches stuff forever so instead of thinking about it for ages I'm glad we did something spontaneous.

I think you need to ask him bluntly. I know several women who left it too late then they split up and partner had kids with new younger woman.

I think you need to listen to yourself, to work our what you really want. I think this includes 'worst case scenarios'.

Do you want children even if not in a relationship? Do you want a relationship, even if that means you may not have children (either they don't want, or time has passed and it doesn't work out)?

And then figure out what you want to do about it.

It sounds like your perfect scenario is that this (or another good) relationship works out and steps on to commitment quite quickly, and you have kids together.

However life is not perfect, so you have to figure our your priorities and make choices. Almost all people with kids have done this in some ways, and then afterwards they put a positive spin on it.

On this kind of thread you'll always get advice not to rush, and five months is too soon etc. but some people get pregnant accidentally early on in a relationship and it all works out fine (could be in lots of ways - this happened to a friend of mine at 39 who was already trying to have a child on her own. Although they didn't day together as a couple, she had the baby, they coparent and are making it work). Others spend years building a relationship, have kids, only to then find it all falls apart. There are no uncertainties or guarantees in anything.

Also trust your instincts.

My DP and I had the 'do you want kids' discussion on our second date (he now says he can't remember this, though he asked me!). Three years later we'd agreed to try. He was there in theory but in practice had cold feet. I said to him, more than once, that now was the time for me, and if he wasn't ready, or wasn't sure he wanted to do it with me, that was fine, but he needed to tell me so I could leave him and move on with my life. It wasn't any easy conversation to have, but I meant it, he responded, now we have one DC and are going for our second. If he hadn't, I would have left him, even though I loved him and it would have been hard.

We can't tell you what this guy wants, or the magic words or things to do to make him want what you want.

Work out what you really want, and act accordingly. Good luck.

How old is he and does he have children from his previous relationship(s)? That would give an indication as to his appetite for settling down but there are no guarantees.

You don't have a lot of time to play with so will have to broach the subject sooner rather than later (and also flush out any other commitments he might be hiding from you).

Trying hinting first to test the water. Has he ever discussed moving in together or anything longer term?

My dh is younger than me and so he was slower to cotton on to my fertility clock but I knew he wanted children eventually but was not sure whether he wanted them with me. We were engaged within a year of meeting because I accelerated the timetable.

You know what you want. At 37 you really don't have time to invest in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same things. I would say have the conversation with him - be direct about what you want and the time scale you are imagining etc.

If he's a reasonable guy and into you, then he'll be able to handle the situation and be honest with you.

If he's not, then that is all the answer you need surely?

Last time I mentioned it he said definitely one day but he wouldn't want to rush it...

I think it's OK to talk about time pressures on you as a woman, that he doesn't experience as a man. And discuss how you both feel about that. It's all very well for him saying "he doesn't want to rush" - but that could mean he doesn't want children with you. And if that is the case you need to know. Or perhaps he can imagine having DC with you but he doesn't appreciate your biological reality (yet).

I think saying things like 'I don't want to rush it' is completely normal if asked a few months in, and he might have said it a while back.

I don't think you can ask for a definite answer at this stage, because you are jumping the life-long commitment/possible marriage bit as well, or asking him to commit to that as well. I think within the year, if you are moving towards perhaps moving in together or even if you decide to get married, that would be just fine. Part of knowing if you want to be with someone is being together! You can't just rush this to have a baby.

Equally, you can't wait around if he is thinking years and years, so I would sit it out a bit, saying nothing about babies and marriage for a while (if you have already had a convo and he's said yes, he would like to but not this second) and then see where you are in another six months. At that point, you've had a year to see how the relationship has gone and hopefully the conversations will evolve naturally to thinking (and acting) on having children.

Alternatively you can do what one of my friend's did and find the first eligible man she got her hands on at 37 and have two children immediately. He's still not very suitable and turned up to be a hands off dad, but I don't think she regrets it because she wouldn't have had children otherwise.

Why is he saying 'one day' when he's nearly 40? I would have thought he would have made his mind up some time ago. The vagueness of his answer suggests he wants to take it slower than you so is giving a non-committal answer.

I met my other half online aged 33 and also felt like time was running out. We broached the subject fairly early and he said he definitely wanted a child within a few years, which was good enough for me. We moved in after six months and I was pregnant 15 months after we met. We now have two DCs. OP, I understand you don't want to scare him away but you don't want him stringing you along either. Tell
Him you know it's hard and its a shame women are pushed into this corner by not being able to have children forever, but that you'd like to know what timescale he is thinking of for things like moving in and having a first child. If he just says he doesn't want to rush things then say you want to broach the subject again in a few months. Then have a lovely time and leave it til then. If he then doesn't have any idea, I'd tell him you don't want to lose him and you think he's amazing, but that you are thinking of dating other people as he isn't giving clear answers. The prospect of losing you to somebody else may make him take action. Then cool your dealings with him, be much less available... Get back online! If he wants you, he'l come after you. This is a far better strategy in my opinion than pleasing desperately with your enormously loud ticking clock in tow. I know it's mind games, but scarcity does make the mind focus somewhat. Good luck

Pleading, not pleasing!!
Btw, 37 and 38 is old enough to know where you stand on kids. Plenty of men I know are that age and desperate for kids

Bugger sitting it out. I agree with LovelyFriend at nearly 37 she's not got to time to waste. For a couple of my friends it was already too late for babies.

You know what you want OP, at this point in your life you would need to be trying for kids in the next couple of years. Be direct. If that's not on his map then you need to know.

My husband was very clear with me from the start what he wanted - which was marriage and kids.

Completely agree with shovetheholly

I would have an idea of the answer I would want. So work that out, for eg 'yes if this continues to go as well as it has, we could try for children in 18 months' or whatever it is you're hoping for

I actively dated for 3 years and I was always very open about the fact that I didn't want children because I would hate things to get serious and for this to become an issue so I guess I would advise you to be equally honest about your intentions.

Interestingly, I was pretty much in your position but older.
I met my now DH and was really keen to find out where he stood on the matter at a very early stage in the relationship but didn't want to risk scaring him off.
I sat down and gave it a lot of thought and worked out that even if he didn't want to have children, I would still want to be with him (such was my strength of feeling!)
In the end, after about 6 months we got drunk and he asked me! We are married now with DS!
Making that realisation really took the pressure off me. I do understand though that if it is a deal breaker for you in this particular relationship it makes things a lot harder.

My boyfriend and I have only been together for five months and we're trying for a baby, although I have known him as a friend prior for a few yrs. I'm 35 and told him bluntly I didn't want to hang aroud, it could take me a year or more. He was on exactly the same page. I already have a nine yr old ds so it's not as critical for me. You have no time to waste op. Ask him and if he says yes start trying now. If you wait two years it could take you another two yrs etc and you could be well into your 40s. It would also delay any fertility treatment you might need. If he says no, go it alone.

I met dh when he was 37, I was only 21, I wanted children but due to his age felt that we had to do it sooner rather than later, we rushed into having kids, dd1 was born before we had time to get married and dd2 shortly after. Dh and I are no longer together, I kind of felt that we missed out on the whole 'getting to know each other' thing and made a big mistake rushing into having kids ( though I wouldn't change them for the world ).

I know it's harder for you as you are the one who is running out of time ( I was very young and dh the older one ) but please don't rush into things, you need to spend time getting to know each other before even considering starting a family, you don't want to end up a single parent bringing up a baby in your 40's ( I know lots of people do it ).