Please tell me I can survive a divorce! Can't take this anymore.

[onthebrinkofdivorce]

Things have been bad for a while now but I think this time we're at the point of no return. DH won't even talk to me anymore, says he's fed-up. He's constantly moody and irritated with me. Any pathetic attempt from me to start a conversation is met with a sigh, eye rolling and a one-sentence answer. The other day when I was having breakfast he started throwing me irritated and disgusted looks and when I asked him what was wrong he said "you eat quite a lot." (I was having my usual breakfast consisting of two pieces of toast, I don't think it's excessive?) He's been going on about my weight for a while now. I'm not slim by any means and I've gone up a dress size since having kids but by no means obese either (size 14, 5 f 6), and he is more overweight than me.

I just feel sick to my stomach. He walks around and finds faults in everything. He let me sort out everything for DC's birthday party the other day, then walked around complaining about everything and moaned when I asked him to do ONE thing (do the music for musical statues). The day before DC's birthday he still hadn't bought her anything despite me reminding him several times and when I said we should get anything he just said "is she expecting anything?" WTF! (He got her something in the end).

He does have some positive sides, for example he's reliable, good with money and would never cheat. Since we've met he has always paid more than me in terms of bills etc (he earns more though). And a major reason why I haven't left already, apart from ruining the children's lives obviously, is that I wouldn't have enough money to live on. I honestly don't know what to do. Our DC1 would be devastated (DC2 is only 1 but obviously it would impact him too). But the thought of this being my life fills me with despair.

I would not want to take anything that's not morally mine

That's all very commendable but what about your children? It takes 2 to make them and no one held a gun to his head when you got married. He may not be living with his DC full-time if you split but he still needs to contribute for them. Don't let your guilt have an adverse effect on your DC.

There's definitely no OW. He's not secretive with his phone or iPad and he just reads a lot of news and about football. About a year ago I did catch him watching porn but that doesn't bother me to be honest, each to their own.

Hi OP,

It sounds as if you're having a horrible time. He is not treating you with any respect, let alone love. He sounds quite vile in fact.

He is bullying you. It's not just snidey comments or nit-picking, it is much worse than that. And it sounds as if, quite rightly, you have had enough of it.

Does he acknowledge that your marriage is in serious trouble? And does he want to do anything about it? It sounds to me as if he would fail to recognise that he has any responsibility for the breakdown in your relationship - but it's worth a try to find out. Would he see a Relate counsellor for instance?

It is an incredibly lonely feeling, being in a marriage where the person who is supposed to love you treats you as if you are beneath contempt. Divorce is not pleasant, but like you say, staying in the marriage as it stands fills you with despair.

His 'positives' are hugely outweighed by negative points at the moment. You can't feel grateful for him being good with money or 'faithful' if he treats you like shit. What would you say to a friend who had a partner like that?

I would do two things to start with:

1. Go and see a family solicitor to see what your options are. Don't tell him you are going, you need to see for yourself and not have it used against you. Do not pre-judge the financial stuff, and do not make decisions about what you will or won't accept 'morally' in a financial settlement. This is about the children and their needs primarily, and the are the ones that are considered in a financial agreement. You both got married. You have marital assets. That gives you legal rights, which are worth having. Let your solicitor tell you more about that before you start worrying about who gets what.

2, Schedule a proper sit-down 'crisis meeting' with your DH and tell him how unhappy you are and that it feels as if your whole family life, and life as a couple, is at stake. He has to realise that if you don't function as a couple, then the family does not work. If he just blames you, then he has told you. If he wants to do something constructive and positive to make it work, then maybe you can plan a path together.

Finally, when it comes to not wanting an acrimonious split - that can only happen if he is determined not to have an acrimonious split as well. You can't do that on your own. From what you've said, he is already treating you like his sworn enemy. He obviously thinks you will put up with any amount of his vicious crap and not pull the plug. If do you start divorce proceedings, then unfortunately I would expect him to continue to be a arsehole.

Good luck!

Many abusive men are often plausible to outsiders, the real him is the one you are seeing behind closed doors.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here currently?.

Your only real option going forward is to separate from this person; it will do you and your children no favours at all to remain within such a poisonous atmosphere where they see their mother daily being ground down by their dad. They would be more "devastated" by you staying within this in any case and they will learn how to abuse others.

I doubt very much that such a man would respond to any crisis meeting let alone go to any counselling sessions as he likely does not feel he is doing anything wrong in the first place. Also joint counselling anyway is never recommended where there is any abuse taking place within the relationship. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together because of his abuse of you.

I would also talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you. Legal advice for your own self is also a necessity now.

I also think he will make any legal separation as difficult and protracted as possible. He will do that as punishment towards you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him. He will make this his private war against you.

He will likely still try and punish you via the children once you do separate from him as well; you're going to have to find yourself a decent solicitor and be prepared for his onslaught against you. You will ultimately need to break free of his power and control over you all.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give advice. I've tried to have a "crisis meeting" but he just won't engage, saying he's had enough. Some have mentioned counselling; we did this for over a year and it did help a lot (saved our marriage) but DH says he won't do it again plus we couldn't afford it (it was £90/session!). Also, he's a mental health professional himself and he just feel that he's done with therapy.

I've just made the bed in the spare bedroom, will sleep there from now on. I just can't see how we could possibly separate; we have just about enough money as it is and if I moved out he couldn't afford to pay me anything. There's also no equity in the house as we bought it only a few months ago.

Hi OP,

Sorry it has come to this. You have done all you can. He won't engage, therefore he's telling you he doesn't feel the need to repair the marriage. However I am sure he will be very happy to blame you for 'breaking up the family' if you initiate a split. What a coward. (btw NEVER feel that it is you who has broken up a happy home - it is him who has done this with his anger, bitterness and bullying.) You now just need to protect yourself and your dcs. I sincerely hope he treats his patients better than he treats you.

Part of me thinks, 'Well, so he's had enough... what's he doing about it then?'. Fuck all, nothing? Oh wait, he is doing something, he's treating you appallingly. Is that his answer to this awful situation? What a fucker.

I really feel for you onthebrink. It is horrible living with someone who treats you with contempt. He should find some respect for the mother of his children. But he won't. He is the one who deserves contempt. He has no respect for his children either, if he is prepared to bully their mother. It will only be a short amount of time before he bullies or chastises you in front of them. If he hasn't already. This is abuse and it is damaging for the children as well as you.

Go and see a solicitor. You need to do this for your own sanity. Don't kid yourself that your children will be damaged if you split up; they will be damaged if they are brought up in the hostile environment he is creating. He has no care for their wellbeing if he cannot bring himself to be civil to you.

Also, tell someone in RL. Do you have a friend or family member that you can talk to? Better to have some RL support as well as here.

Just seconding everything that PoppyField said. I know you must feel so alone and in pain and it is very hard. Don't be afraid to reach out to others. Would you consider counselling on your own?