My husband irritates me all the time

[Charlestongirl]

My husband just gets on my nerves constantly. we have 3 dc aged 16, 14 and 12 and I am just not sure I can stay with him in the long term. He dislikes most people and rarely has a good word to say about anyone. He has an opinion on everything and constantly rants on about bankers and politicians. Some people we know vaguely came into money and he goes on and on about how they never worked for it and how much they spend. When I once said it wasn't really anything to do with us he said "oh I'll just shut up then". In my mind I wanted to scream at him "I just wish you would". I gave up watching TV about 5 years ago because he talked the whole way through programmes about what people were wearing, moaning about men who hadn't shaved. He just goes on and on and on. All our dc have to do athletics because it is his hobby. He is desperate for our dc to excel at school and get better qualified than his brothers kids even though one of our dc is weak in some subjects. He can't go a day without seeing his mother and idolises her despite the fact that she never helped us by babysitting when our kids were young. He invites all his family and their kids to our home every Xmas and the one year I asked if we could have Christmas with just us he didn't speak to me for 3 weeks. When my Dad died last year he was really good as I had to go stay with him every weekend when he was sick but when he died he suddenly had overtime every evening right up until the funeral despite never working overtime before or since that time even though I was falling apart. He is great in many ways, faithful, decent but I am just not sure I can take any more. The only affection I get is when he wants sex, he would never hold my hand, have a cuddle or hug me. I just don't think I can stand a life like this once the kids move out and I dream about living by myself and not having to listen to him. He also constantly quizzes me. Not in a jealous way but wanting to know who I have been talking to, what's going on in their life in a nosey kind of way eg if I say a friend changed her car he wants to know what she paid for a new one and where she got it from etc. driving me mad and would appreciate if anyone can help. Have we just grown apart or is he just turning turning into a grumpy old git.

Wow. Well, he does sound absolutely twattish. He is irritating me just from your post. Why did you marry him?

I am beginning to wonder that myself. He did used to be fine and pleasant but it's just like he has turned into a real begrudger.

Have you ever asked him if he realises how negative he has become? And how you've basically been reduced to someone to listen to his rants and occasionally have crappy (I'm going out on a limb here) sex with him, instead of a partner?

Hmm. If you tried to fix him, would it work?

What's your 'Plan B', your escape route? If you don't have one, you might want to start working on it. Think of it - if you can get some accommodation you could have a nice, quiet, relaxing life with three teenagers... erm.. well, a much more relaxing life than you have at the moment.

Could be ten years or more before the home is child-free. Do you want to wait so long?

Sounds awful. Why don't you be honest and just end the marriage.

Absolutely agree about working on a Plan B. Sometimes marriages just run their course - nothing to be ashamed about, it happens. You move on. If you're waiting for all the children to move out then that's at least 6 years - can you stand another 6 years of this? Have you talked to him about how he makes you feel? What are the practicalities - do you work?

Thanks for your messages. I really appreciate that I am not just going mad here. I think I have probably not helped the situation because instead of getting upset about our marriage a few years ago I just chose to ignore it and not to let it bug me. I did go to relate alone but bottled out of telling DH how I felt. Maybe now both my parents have died I am re evaluating my life and what it's all about. Yes I work and would be okay financially. I just wanted to check I am not just over reacting to my situation, I know life isn't a bed of roses but most of the time I feel like a doormat for him and his family.

Gosh he does sound quite negative.

Have you ever said to him "Why are you so negative ? Is there anything positive here ?"

Marriages do run their course and it's fine if you want to end it, how do your dc's find him ? Miserable as well ?

I think you're a saint to have put up with it for so long, especially the 3 week silent treatment. If he was mine he'd have been under the patio years ago.

Have you spoken to him about this stuff?

His behaviour after your dad died would be a deal breaker for me. You are not happy. You don't like him. I'd end it.

Right. That's it, I will speak to him and tell him I'm not putting up with any more crap and then if there isn't a significant improvement fast I'll be off. Thanks ladies, really appreciate your independent viewpoints on all this.

Please let us know how it goes. Good luck.

My exH was just the same! I stuck with the marriage for 20 years (met late teens so I hadn't had a lot of experience of relationships).

He was never at fault, criticised all the time, silent treatment, didn't like me having friends or going out. I used to dread visiting my family as he always found fault and we'd spend the drive home with him nitpicking everything.

I always felt like I had to make excuses for him to cover up the rudeness - more for me than anything as I didn't want to create a scene or confrontation.

A couple of years ago I had the lightbulb moment, DS1 was going through GCSE's at the time, so not ideal but I just couldn't put up with it any longer.

2 years later I'm with a man who treats me and behaves completely the opposite despite thinking I'd never want to be with anyone else as life would be easier!

Definitely talk to him, if he's anything like my ex you'll be banging your head against a wall, but at least let your feelings known.

Absolutely get a plan B!

Agreed, you need to let him know how much he has changed. It might be a difficult conversation to have. You might want to try and phrase it in a constructive way. Sorry to hear that you are in such a spot, but remember you are the only one who can help yourself out of it. We are here supporting you from the sidelines!

This thread is two years old!!!

Yip my ex was similar. Always criticizing other people - anyone who he thought was 'better' than him especially. If we bumped into any blokes from my work, he would make snide remarks about them afterwards. Always moaning, never happy etc etc.
Needless to say, he is now my EX DP.
People like this bring you down. Their negativity is despairing. He will only get worse the older he gets.

Zombie thread, stop posting

Would love to know if you are still with him. My husband irritates the hell out of me.