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Original poster

If you were in my shoes

14 replies

tiger1 · 14/11/2006 18:56

What would you do?

been with partner 10 years. He kept putting off kids. Finally he said we could try, fell imediately then had no 2 quite quickily. Both are now 2 & 3. Partner works away alot. I never know when he is coming back. Money is really tight. No family close. Partners job has always caused rows. i live my life exactly like a single mum but i suppose i get a bit more money. Because of the lack of partnership i have had, i know longer love dp. I own half the house and he pays the mortgage for the other half, so can not just leave.
DP makes no effort with the kids, saftely of kids, dicispline, rules, teaching, boundarys or being a partnership with day to day life. He makes promises that he constantly breaks with all of us. He says all the right things at the time of conversations but then never delivers. I have told him i want to split but he wont go and says he will take money from the house (from me & kids). We have always agreed that because his mums house is like the house of grime programe and that his brother is boardering on alcholic that we will never take the kids to his family. His only friends are SO clostraphobic and want our kids only ever to play with theirs and only do what they want to do. But at least i have put my foot down about his freinds (i & kids no longer see them) He tells me that if we do split he will be doing all the things that he said he would not. He would definately want to see them as he has always shown them off like a trophy.

Please let me know what you would do.

OP posts:
lambchop2 · 14/11/2006 20:09

can you really not work this out somehow? Kids need both parents if at all possible, however rarely they see him now, this to them is normal and would be difficult if it changed. He's proud of them from what you say - that's a start. You will both be worse off, poorer - where would you go? How would you manage in practical terms? It's the 'him never delivering' that needs to be addressed. Little steps could be the way. Agree on small changes (could it be that both of you need to make some changes?) implement them gradually, keep reviewing and see if it can work. Kids think their parents are perfect and want to keep them both it would be great if they could here.

Original poster
tiger1 · 14/11/2006 21:37

i just feel that a partner should be there for you. He never makes an effort for anyone but his old friends, he lets us down all the time, doesnt do what he says, forgets everything, promises the world but has no intention of following it through. All my dreams and the kids have been squashed.

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 14/11/2006 21:45

If you really don't love him, I would consider leaving. My parents stayed together for my sake for years and I wished they had asked me about it as it was God awful and left them both financially worse off in the end than had they split 20 years previously. You have a chance at making a new life for yourself - my mother didn't take the chance until she was in her 50s and has never looked back. Understand that you don't want him to use your dcs as pawns but you can sort out formal access arrangements. What do you think would make you and your dcs happier?

StrangeTown · 14/11/2006 22:36

I feel really sad for you, reading your post. Never knowing when he is coming home, no support, love or money. It sounds like logistically/finanicially it would be hard to leave, but what will happen to you and kids emotionally if you don't? I know things aren't that black and white and that you will always need to have a relationship with him because of the children, but you do need to think about you too. It sounds like you need more than you are getting in life...I would think about leaving...

willandsamsmum · 14/11/2006 23:01

I would consider leaving too. The children will soon be at an age where they understand that they are being let down constantly and that you are very sad. I know people who have grown up in that kind of situation and it just has a terrible, lasting impact.

If you own half the house, could you not sell it and move closer to family/friends where you have some support? Maybe the Citizens Advice Bureaux might be able to tell you where to go from here. There are also free legal advice lines that are advertised in the Yellow Pages that might be some help too. {{hugs}}

Original poster
tiger1 · 18/11/2006 15:17

Sorry it has been so long in replying. I can not afford to move back near family and also i did not like living in a concrete city. I do not have that many family members anyway. If i leave he would not treat the kids well. Safety, caring, discipline or routines, so my life would be harder when they came home. As it will take about a week for them to get back into a routine as it did me and as it is doing so with my friends ex partners. Even though my friends have split with partners it is just as miserable as they still have to pick up the peices and see the,

OP posts:
bananaloaf · 18/11/2006 15:29

tiger my husband is not unlike yours, he promisies all the time and never come to pass. we did a swap in roles as he was 'stressed' in his job and i now work full-time and he had started his own business and work 2 days a week and at weekends. he used to critise the house etc when i was at home (worked part - time) and said things would be better with him at home. this has not been the case. doesnt do anything with the kids i.e take them swimming, for a walk says he will be doesnt, gives me gip if my work interferes with anything he has planned though didnt care when it was the other way. wont talk to me about anything deep just gets annoyed and blames me lack of wanting any intimate relations with him relationship! i dont have any family nearby either. i do feel about leaving but now feel trapped because i am the one working fulltime and feel it would go against me.

Original poster
tiger1 · 18/11/2006 16:57

wow.bananaloaf. You are going through such similiar things. I am not sure if you have the same lack of care or safety etc with him though. I can honestly say i could not trust him. I too tried role reversal but he never came back with any shopping, i had to go again so basically it put me out again. I spyed on him at the park. He let my 2 year old run off and without any care. He did not hold his hand whilst in the high street. My son would not think twice about running in the road 9he is very wild) he cooked something raw too but luckily i was there and saved my son from eating it. He takes the children out in extremely cold conditions when they are full of cold and sometime no cold without a coat or cardigan or hat or scarf. he leaves them to play in the bath alone. The list is endless. As my friends say this is not me being fussy it is really caring about having children and he wants to do everything his way no matter what the consequences are. I love my children very much and do not think they deserve men like these.

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 18/11/2006 17:36

tiger1 - I really feel for you - it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

I can really recommend realte if your other half will go. They can either facilliate a seperation or see if there is a way forward for you together. They more help you see exactly what you need to do rather than 'tell' you what to do.

If he won't go you can go on your own. It will clarify your options and make sure you are sure with your descion.

bananaloaf · 18/11/2006 18:21

sometimes i think that men dont anticpate what children are going to do. he would quitr happily fall asleep infront of the TV leaving dss who are 3yo and 8 months to it. Now i know we have all done it but not everyday. they are still up when i come in late from work anything up to 10pm and even though i will freeze homemade meals for ds2 he doesnt use them. could go on but becoming a rant

Original poster
tiger1 · 18/11/2006 21:10

I have tried relate. I never know when partner is coming home and he also does not belive in talking to any one. I do not have any child care and can not afford it. They are reluctant to do phone calls. I have tried so many different things but because my partner will not leave his job and retrain or something else. (i have been trying to get him to leave his joh and do a more 9-5 for 7 years but he will not)

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 18/11/2006 21:22

they do email consultations, but the money thing is an issue - the books are very good and may help. You sound like you could really do with some support - I have been in your situation and I really feel for you.

Original poster
tiger1 · 19/11/2006 22:01

Thanks Dimpledthighs. What are the books called do you know.

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 20/11/2006 10:38

try here

I have the on sex in loving relationships and from crisis to deepr commitment. They are a helpful guide and what first made me think about relate. It is kind of good as it gives a way of structuring your thought rather than never being able to get out of the 'I hate him, he did xyz' mindset.

If you don't want to buy them they might have them in your library or I will send you mine if you want, just let me know.

Best wishes.

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