Unhappy and do not know where to turn

[Blossom76]

I am new to this however am desperate for some advise.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have had some good times, but he has been abusive for a lot of this. This sort of stopped 4 years ago after some re-hab, however the insults have continued. I cannot help but live in the past about treatment I have received. Our sex life is non existent and I cannot bear for him to come near me. I feel unattractive, ugly and just numb. I am nearing 40 and feel way older than my years.

I feel I am constantly walking on eggshells and the wrong comment from me can send him into a rage. I am often called fat and a ponce and violence has raised its ugly head again during the last 18 months, not as bad as it used to be, but still not very nice.

We have 2 daughters 9/10 who adore their father but have unfortunately witnessed his abuse over the years.

I have low self esteem and am pretty screwed up tbh.

To outsiders looking in we are probably the perfect family, lovely home, great holidays, lovely kids etc. However I am just so unhappy.

I have sought friendship with other men in the past, just to give me a boost to my self esteem, it has always ended with me being found out and being left sad and even more alone.

I had struck up another friendship with a man a lot older than me, he made me feel wonderful. Within my little bubble I was happy, carefree and confident, attractive and alive. Again I have been found out and am at rock bottom.

The friendships are not sexual.

My husband found out and after a violent outburst and smashing my office up seemed to calm down. I told him I had cut ties however my contact with the other man continued with calls and emails. I have again been found out. My husband grabbed me round the throat (not the first time) and I called the police (not the first time). My throat had no marks on it and I advised I was unwilling to go to court so the police had no evidence. My husband denied it all. He has had to go to court before, but was cautioned.

My husband is desperate to give our relationship another go and is on best behaviour. I see this as my way out and to start a fresh start.

I have been to see a solicitor who advises I can divorce on unreasonable behaviour. I would be entitled to a healthy settlement which would allow me and my daughters to live comfortably, and I run my own business so am financially ok.

However, since my friendship has finished I do not have the strength to see this through. I almost needed this friendship to allow me to see this through. I am scared that if I do not, I will live the next 10 years in a stifled atmosphere where I am scared to say the wrong thing and be watched like a hawk.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

any advise greatly received.

Thanks

Please leave for your daughters sake. You are showing them their first model of married life, they will think this is normal and if a guy raises his voice or his hand to them in the future they may well accept it as that's what they've been raised to think that's what happens. Please gain your strength from knowing that you'll be giving them a more secure future. Would you want them to be in a marriage like yours?

We have 2 daughters 9/10 who adore their father

Yeah you need to get out and start undoing the damage. They need to know that violent bullies are not adorable.

Do you have any friends or family who you can confide in? I get that you need the support but you are playing with fire by starting these emotional affairs as an escape and again its setting a horrible example for your DDs.

Thank you pocketsaviour, I have read a few of your other messages and you do talk a lot of sense.

I totally understand where you are coming from and agree that my emotional affairs are by no way a justification for my situation, this particular one just seemed to give me the strength to look forward, and now it has ended I feel even worse than before.

I am not sure what the problem is, I know I need to leave, if I was reading a similar post or speaking to a friend I would have the best advise under the sun, its just that I have lost so much confidence in myself that doing the right thing is so difficult. I get the emotional taunts of how difficult he will make it, that he will leave his very well paid job if I leave, I know these are taunts, but does make leaving that much more difficult. The answer is staring me straight in the face, its just the reality that scares me.

pinkredrose, again thank you, as I said above, I just need to muster the strength to see this through.

When in an abusive relationship it is amazing how your partner can turn the tables and make you think that you are the one at fault.

Its a frightening situation to be in :-(

Mumsnet can be the friend you need who will enable you to find the strength to 'see it through' - you know it has to be done and the longer you leave it the worse it will be for you and your dc.

There's still time for you to call the solicitor you'previously consulted today - make an appointment and keep posting here.

hands round the throat is a massive red flag and should be reported to the police, Women's Aid and anyone else who will help. GP would be good too.

You know you need to get out of this relationship - and there is support there to help you in this.

OP just another thought - have you spoken to Womens Aid at all? They could offer support, especially since the police will have logs of the domestic violence incidents (even if you didn't press charges they'll still be logged.)