Outsiders perspective needed

[NewmummyJJ]

Hi everyone, I am looking for an outsiders perspective on my current relationship, I am with a man whom I love deeply we have a 3 month old baby. He is very much a mummies boy (I love that he loves family) but it's coming between our relationship, he keeps secret from me with his parents and his mother hasn't liked me from day one. She questioned my partner intently from the moment we decided to try for a baby as to whether or not he was ready (he is 28). Even struggled to mask her disappointment when we finally announced we were. They act liked doting grandparents but have not seen their granddaughter for 5 weeks she is only 3 months old and that is a big chunk of her life so far to miss. Recently my partner lost his brother through cancer and he has been struggling to talk and express his feelings which has caused friction in our relationship, he goes off to his mothers house if I ever try to sit and discuss anything remotely serious wih him (money etc) from the start he has never been a talker and prefers to walk away from any situation and expects that when he comes back home everything to be fine. Nothing ever gets resolved. Recently he spent the day with his mother after a heated discussion with me, he then came home packed his things and told me he was leaving me and that 'they' (I presume his mother and father) had come to the conclusion I was suffering from depression? I feel great and am loving being a new mummy, just because I have concerns over money and am questioning how well my partner and I are connecting surely doesn't mean I have depression? Isn't that normal? My mother in law is trying everything she can to come between us, luckily we managed to talk it out and have discussed ways that we can both 'change' and make more effort. I am even tempted to make a doctors appointment to discuss depression as I can't get it out of my head what has been said? The saddest part is that I feel now like my partner doesn't even truly know me at all. Personally I think the only thing I am suffering with is justified resentment towards my mother in law. I have tried my hardest to get along.. To involve them with my daughter, I even invited them along to the gender scan when we found out we were having a daughter. Does anyone else have a problem with their mother in law? I struggle to understand why she resents me as my mother always treats my partner and I as equals and believes in the (two sides to every story) and they treat my partner like their son. (Which is the way it should be) Why are his parents not the same?

I'm sorry that this is happening and hope it gets better.

Your in-laws have just lost a child to cancer so they are grieving, as is your partner, so their emotions are very raw. Perhaps your partner finds it easier to talk to his parents about the loss of his brother.

Their focus now is on their loss and perhaps they are struggling to get past that.

Give it some time, your partner is not going to want to have conflict with his parents when they are all suffering the loss of his brother.

Its not you, its him as well as his family.

The problem here, quite apart from his parents who are another issue entirely, is your man himself.

This comment:-
"He is very much a mummies boy (I love that he loves family) but it's coming between our relationship, he keeps secret from me with his parents and his mother hasn't liked me from day one".

Unfortunately your above assumption (I love that he loves family) is wrong and I would also say naive; he is totally and utterly in their grip as an adult and is still seeking his mother's approval in particular even now.

Your man now being unable to actually assert himself as an individual in his own right (due to his mother's conditioning) has and is causing real problems in your relationship now. He will always put them first, not you or your child and that will simply hurt him as well as you and your child. This was always going to happen in any relationship he has because these people have done real emotional and long term harm to him.

You come from an emotionally healthy functioning family, he and his family here are not; that is the fundamental difference between his parents and yours. You are a reasonable person at heart so you have tried to get along with his parents; unfortunately you are dealing with his parents who are clearly unreasonable, they will never be reasonable.

If you do choose to stay with this man you need to realise that he may well never change his attitudes towards his parents and will always put their and his interests above yours. Your man's behaviour towards you is putting great strain on you.

You at the very least will need to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward and raise your all too low boundaries with regards to them to date (why did you at all invite them to something as personal as a gender scan?) and reassert your own rights as a person and a mother in your own right. I would also not let your child be at all influenced unduly by his parents; look at the emotional damage they have done to your man. They will do that or similar to your child given the opportunity.

so the minute you question him he goes back to mummy? Sorry, but I don't think it sounds good at all. And look up gaslighting. Telling you that you are depressed when you are not? I would send him back to his parents and stop pandering to him. And the MIL sounds pretty toxic to me.

His parents, though not medically trained, have put the idea into his head that you have depression and he's listened to all that. He cannot and will perhaps never see how wrong that is.

He cannot stand up for himself, let alone you as his partner. It hurts him, you and his child. Infact I would think his parents have basically seen you as a provider of a child and nothing more than that.

He is totally in thrall to them and will always listen to them over and above you (or any woman for that matter except his mother). He has really been deeply harmed by his mother.

There were many problems in your relationship before his brother passed away as well. There will have to be wholesale changes made with regards to his relationship between he and his parents and this is not going to happen anytime soon, if at all. He likes things as they are, he sees no reason to change.

Thank you all very much for posting. It is refreshing to see different takes on the situation. I agree with everything that you have all said.
Going forward I would like my relationship to work.. although does it ever work out in situations like these? I try my hardest to get along with my partners parents and this isn't my first run in with them, when I met my partner he lived next door but one to them, I was continually 'fed up' of his need to 'pop to his Mum and Dads' most mornings/evenings after work, he would come home with a different attitude towards me. (He just felt distant) I never knew what was said behind closed doors but on one occasion I messaged his mother to tell her that whatever was being said in their home to my partner was causing problems in mine, to which I was told I was an 'imbalance in the family' it all got too much especially when I was pregnant, so he agreed that we would move, we have ended up about 3 miles away from them. (He always presumed we moved because I wanted a bigger house for the baby). It is so frustrating that two people are not left alone to be happy and makes me feel sick that someone would try to sabotage that. I suppose in regard to inviting them to the gender scan, that was a way to make them feel involved, maybe it was my way of seeking approval and I am beginning to regret that decision. I have always been so independent I left home at 17 and have always had a good relationship with my parents I had a 7 year relationship before this one which only ended due to an 11 year age gap and mutually agreeing that we wanted different things from life (I wanted children and he already had two from a previous relationship) I would say that I am a nice and genuine person who is caring and kind. When it comes to all this I feel like a push over, all I would like is a healthy relationship with my partner and his parents. We have a lovely home and a beautiful daughter, I feel like I am going round in circles as his mother and her views will always come first. He listens to whatever advice she gives him (good or bad).

It takes two to make a relationship work and you cannot carry this on your own.

There were red flags from the early days; he also lived next door but one to his mother when you met. This is a man who is still very much tied to his mother's apron strings, she will not let him go.

He has to want to make real and lasting changes with regards to how he views his mother if this is to work and I do not think there is any will on his part to do that now if at all ever.

You will not have a healthy relationship with your man and his parents because none of these people are emotionally healthy and balanced. Its not your fault they are like this; their own families in turn did that lot of damage to them. You will continue to play second fiddle to his mother and her views (which your man is listening to intently); is that a relationship lesson amongst many you want to teach your child?. What do you think she will learn about relationships here if this situation was to at all continue as it is?.

You can only change how you react to him. I would also consider your long term future within this relationship because this relationship is not at all healthy.

Telling you you have depression absolves him of any responsability!

There is a big difference between being annoyed/upset/worried about something that you have every right to be concerned about.

By dismissing those concerns as depression it means he doesn't have to change his own behaviour of walking away from these discussions and carry on as he has been.

Oh dear this sounds very bad. His mum doesn't like you because you are a contender for her son's loyalties and affections and she didn't hand pick you for that privilege herself. She means to control your entire relationship via her son, who is allowing...no encouraging her to do so.

I don't know what to advise. I'm sure you've been through it and made your feelings known to him many times. He chooses to dismiss you and run back to mummy's petticoats at any sign of trouble. How utterly useless.

There is a deep rooted and unhealthy dynamic at play within this family. It's really down to your partner to sort out. You can't fix this and your mil certainly won't want to.

What a difficult scenario for you.

True, DP and his parents are dealing with the loss of your partner's brother. Even before then that he was happy to be at their beck and call.

Flouncing off solves nothing. Getting huffy and defensive to the point he/ they suggest you have PND is a distraction tactic.

It's not wrong attempting grown up discussions about income and spending. Sooner or later , discreet hints on any subject are translated as nagging. He doesn't suggest taking his and your child with him when he leaves to give you a break, does he?