Frightened

[Twofatladies88]

Name changed.

A few weeks ago I snapped with my husband and said I wanted to leave. Why? I felt he was always trying to control what I do, domestically. He had started to tell me I was tough mither and unkind. Our sex life had declined to a sort of sad ritual - a row, then sex. He was grumpy, tired all the time, and didnt respond to me when I talked about my concerns about his temper. Got less and less respectful. We tried to negotiate and not argue in front of our child. But the drip, drip, of comments from him made it feel impossible.

I snapped because something in my brain said "you dont have to take this anymore". He cried. Then he ranted, then he just lost it with me and terrified the living daylights out of me. I thought he would hit me. I could hear the rage. Used our child to try and stop me from leaving.

The next morning he attempted suicide in front of me. I left and he went to hospital. He was discharged that same evening.

We then fought over the house and I got him to leave only with the assistance of the police - arrested for grabbing me.

The next morning I found him my bedroom at 8 in the morning, saying hello as if nothing had happened. I threw him out of the house.

Since then he has left me alone according to my wishes. He has said he will seek counselling for anger and he has been medicated for anxiety.

I have written all this, but this man has given me fear. He sounds reasonable now and we have since met for two hours but anyone can be reasonable in a public place for a few hours. I feel it means nothing.

He wants couples counselling. I said no! Not until you work on yourself. We cannot live together. But in my heart I feel that our relationship is doomed. i am frightened to finally push the button and say no again! I have strength but he makes me shake.

I must look at his actions, and he has offered to go and get treatment and stay away from me. This is one thing that gives me pause. Normally abusive people have no insight. He looks to have some. But it is such a crumb. I am left feeling frightened and in limbo. The easiest thing to do is just to leave and split. This offer is there, but surely these problems cannot be cured in six months?

I've rambled. I have good people around me. But I feel so beaten inside. I dont know about this offer. I need advice.

There are better, more experienced, wiser m'netters thhan me...

But stay strong and look after yourself and your dc.

Your post screams danger. You are doing very well and I take my hat off to you.

xx

I don't have much to say that's helpful but I don't think you want to get back with him do you? Even if he does get treatment. I think I'd stay away from him too.

I'd encourage him to get treatment for himself - not because you've told him he must - so he doesn't ruin the rest of his life(or anyone else's).
All the best.

If you are serious about ending it for good, I think you've got good right to be wary.
I think the safety of you and dc are no1.
You could call 101 and let them know what's happened, what you plan and what you fear - just incase you do ever need to call them for assistance.
Call WA to get some advice.
Would you be prepared to move away if it came to that?
Consider an injunction if he won't listen - it might be wise to go and speak with a solicitor just so you know what to do about things like changing locks to protect your safety etc..

I would move if I had to. I have good friends and neighbours here and dont want to loose them.

I did call 101 before, and registered some facts with a solicitor. Haven't been yet. This offer has really confused me. Maybe that is the point...

He wants access to our child. She misses him - but the worry is huge.

When the police removed him did they not talk to you about services which may be available through your regional police authority's Domestic Violence Unit?

You are quite right; you 'don't have to take this anymore' and there's no earthly reason why you should.

Contact www.womensaid.org.uk to seek recommendations from your local branch for solicitors who specialise in divorce/family law/domestic violence and, if money is an issue, ring round until you find one who offers a free initial consultation - occupation and non-molestation orders can help to protect you both in and out of your home.

Joint counselling is NOT recommended in cases where there has been abuse. Regardless of whether or not he sources/attends an anger management course, I suggest you make an appointment with your GP to ascertain what NHS counselling may be available to you and meds such as beta blockers can help overcome any anxiety you may be experiencing.

I'm a tad confused as to what 'this offer' is and where 'six months' comes into the equation, but there's no reason why you should leave your home or wait for any length of time to elapse before you take steps to secure your position/end your marriage.

Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back, honey - you've done amazingly well to have achieved so much in a such a short time, but please don't overlook the necessity of finding opportunity to relax with family/friends/a good book/favourite music and to spend time thoroughly processing all that has happened otherwise you may burn out when you least expect it.

Attempting suicide (but not really) in front of you is unforgivable, in my opinion. It reeks of total manipulation and the extremes this man is prepared to go to. I would not recommend joint counselling. I would recommend that you heed your fear and start the ball rolling regarding the re-establishment of yourself as a free being minus this horrible man-thing.

I make no apologies for my lack of compassion for his mental troubles. Your safety and future happiness are really really unlikely to involve this man's presence in your life. He seems to be a bit like nitro-glycerine atm. You are doing the right thing by calling the police as soon as you need help. I think you should go ahead and get this ended.

A first step might be agreeing that he should leave and get treatment. Leaving being the important thing. However I fully expect he might then say that treatment doesn't mean he has to leave as well. I think he might turn into a bag of wriggling snakes who all want to bite you. Be careful Two.

When I said leaving I meant him leaving - and yes, what is this six months offer?

he is out of the house. He wants to know whether he should be looking to remt aomewhre else. He will seek treatment. I think he should do both these things. He seems ready to leave but suddenly he is so reasonable? I do not hnderstand him.

Can a temporary separation aolve things?

Hi op so sorry to hear your in such a crap place right now.

My point is this, we have a fight or flight response for a reason, it's the one thing that as human beings has tried to keep us safe since the beginning go of time.

If your that frightened of someone DH or not and your gut is telling you to run, then that's what you do. It doesn't Matter what changes he makes if any or what any one else's view is, you run.

To ignore this instinct would be in some cases fatal, even if he came back and all was well for a while, you will still probably be on edge and eventually it will make you Ill.

Leave him to his therapy or whatever he may or may not do, and you sort some for yourself, gather your support around you hunker down batten down the hatches, and plan your escape route.

Come on Two - is this relationship over for you? I sense it is. I don't know if temporary separations work or not - they either do or they don't depending on a universe of variables. I don't think someone (sic)trying to kill himself in front of you is really a variable. That's a definitive WTF in my opinion.

I experienced a palpable sense of relief that he is currently out of your house. I got that feeling from your tone in posts. You are right to be on your guard and highly suspicious of anything that looks like reasonable behaviour from a man who really doesn't sound very reasonable.

Can you tell him yes, he should be looking to rent somewhere else? I'd breathe easier if you do that ... I suspect you would too.

You have a right to be safe and to feel safe. And your child (you don't say what age) should be shielded from conflict. There are many signs for serious concern here-- a suicide attempt (even if histrionic-- the serious suicides generally succeed, and don't get quick discharge if they fail) and an arrest for DV. You need clear boundaries so that you can have time and space to decide whether this marriage is over.

If it is over, you have a child together. His/her safety is paramount. Potential loss of that relationship may also be the most frightening thing for your husband. If it is safe for your husband to see your child then you should promote this.

You may be at the stage where break up is inevitable. As you are married that almost certainly means lawyers. I suggest that you find solicitors who subsccribe to Resolution principles as they should try to work collaboratively rather than confrontationaly.

I write as a man who has been through a difficult divorce involving children and as a lawyer who has seen many vexed cases resolve into workable arrangements. But I emphasise, you and your child must be safe and you must both feel safe.

My best to you.

A temporary separation in itself won't solve anything.

Am I correct in assuming that he has suggested a separation of 6 months during which time he will rent somewhere to live and enrol on an anger management course with joint counselling for the pair of you in the expectation that all will be resolved and he will return to the marital home where you will be eagerly awaiting him?

If that's the case, I suspect he's going to be disullusioned as I get the feeling that you've had more than enough of his controlling and abusive ways.

If you fear that his apparent reasonableness is by way of a calm before the storm, I suggest that you seek legal advice and take out the injuctions suggested above before appraising him of the fact that your plans do not accord with his or, better still, instruct your solicitor to communicate with his.

With regard to contact wth the dc I would suggest that his instability, as evidenced by his recent nonsuicide attempt and violence towards you necessitating police intervention is such that all/any contact should be supervised or held in abeyance pending a legally binding agreement such as a contact order.

I wamt to tell him to rent somewhere. He has proposed it. I think he realises he has fucked up. But I cant live with him at the moment and I have tell him that. It would be traumatic.

I dont know what to do. Some of it is explicablle. Poorly child so poor sleep. His abusive father died. Woeking 12 hour days for six months. Asked him to stop, to calm down. He didnt. But his behaviour hasnt been good for 18 months at least.

But he's abused me and admitted it to my face. Horrible.

So he's suggested renting elsewhere, you say you don't want to live with him = you're in agreement then. Sounds best all round. And don't make it "temporary", although if it takes you saying that just to get him OUT and you and DC safe.....

he has abused you and you are 100% right to protect yourself and dc from that. His father was abusive so the cycle continues. I think it is up to you to break that cycle and not be with him. Or do you want your dc to model their future relationships on this man? I don't see how 6 months or counselling will fix his trying to commit suicide in front of you and abusing you for however long.

I recommend WA, Freedom Programme, counselling for yourself alone and contact centre access only. Oh and a lawyer - and as there is abuse present you will qualify for legal aid too.

And btw there is never any excuse for abuse. Poorly child, bereavement, work, tired - many other people manage to navigate similar circumstances and don't abuse their family. Oh and him proposing stuff - stop engaging. He is not your friend and you are no longer his guide or sounding board.

thank you all. I have taken some steps to help myself. my concern now is for my emotional state and having to look after our child. She doesnt really talk about Daddy but is clearly upset as she is having diaorrehea every day. this makes it impossible to go to work - preschool wont have her. Back is in pain. I feel overwhelmed.

Two it sounds like you and dd are both imploding with stress, so bloody well done you if you have taken steps to safeguard you both. Did you tell him to stay away? It might be an idea to take dd to GP? There may be medicine that could calm her stomach, she may even have a virus. If it's stress then it's also useful to have this on record, so being upfront with the GP would be important. Your own pain levels might have increased because of stress too. Also worth a mention to the doctor. Double appt then?

Might it be worth talking with Women's Aid for advice and support? It can be hard to get through to them sometimes but perhaps they would have recommendations for solicitors or even counselling.