'Terrified of Him' 'Treading on Eggshells'

[FriendofX]

Please give me advice about how to help my friend. I don't know what counts as abusive but I think my friend is in an abusive relationship. The problem is she has SWORN me to secrecy.

She has confided that she is scared of her DH. DH throws huge temper tantrums - she sort of describes them to me but if I ask any questions she immediately clams up and says quickly that it'll all be fine and that 'DH is just quite stressed at the moment'. She says he breaks furniture and screams at her. She said that's how all the chairs around their table are broken. He hurts himself and throws himself around the room. After the last one he threw himself on the ground and she thinks he broke a small bone in his neck (apparently not as serious as it sounds). He behaves like this in front of their DS (under 2).

I have known her DH for the last ten years and he is quite aggressive on occasion but not physically just verbally. He is also tall and quite imposing. I don't like him much but I generally have to hide that. He is intimately connected with my social circle and always will be (related).

Today we all met up as families at a fete and for about 10 minutes she couldn't find her DH and DS. She told me afterwards it is because she doesn't trust DH with DS. She says he loses it with DS and she was frightened he might do it in public, 'pin him down' or similar. I really didn't know what to say, I just let her talk.

I have only known my friend for a couple of years as she has moved here to be with him. She is 300 miles from her family and old friends. I desperately want her to keep talking so there is no way I can tell anyone else - it would kill our friendship and she will just be more isolated. Please tell me what to do, if anything.

Oh gosh what a difficult situation.

Firstly, it's a good thing that your friend has taken the step to confide in you. That's really hard.

Secondly, I wouldn't hold your breath for the counselling. I was in an abusive marriage and we underwent 3 months of relationship counselling. During the sessions my DH would say all the right things, show remorse etc but once we were back at home he'd twist things and make out the counsellor was agreeing with him about my failures all the time (she wasn't). In the end the counsellor called time on it and suggested I go to counselling on my own - perhaps she saw what was going on, I don't know. He wouldn't let me go alone so that was that.

I'd call the Women's Aid helpline and speak to a domestic abuse advisor. Perhaps she could come to your house and meet your friend if she agrees? It can then be her call to speak to Children's Services not yours.

Your friend may not thank you immediately to be honest, but you need to do something for the sake of her little boy. One day I'm sure she will thank you. It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship even when you know you should.

I feeling so sad about it. I want them to work it out and for him to change. Will relationship counselling help with that?

People don't change and it is advised not to go to joint counselling when one partner is abusive as they carry on the abuse. I'd be wanting to help her escape, not hoping they could work it out as they are both in danger by the sounds of it.

Hi OP,
First, you sound like you are a brilliant friend to have. She needs your support and her H will be seeking to isolate her from friends, so don't be surprised if he tries to alienate you in some way. The counselling won't work; it is never recommended in an abusive relationship... and it definitely is.

That chilling phrase...

'he says he will to go so that she can understand how not to set him off.'

...that is absolutly appalling. And it shows that he takes absolutely no responsibility for their relationship. He is angry, controlling and abusive.

Doesn't matter that she has a mobile phone etc, the control comes in because the threat of a meltdown is always there... so she is nervous 24/7, and monitoring everything she does and says so as not to 'set him off'. Putting a 2 year old into the mix makes it incredibly scary... especially as a 2 year old is bound to 'set him off' and she will be held responsible for that.

I don't know what advice to do. Perhaps the only hope is that the relationship counsellor knows his/her stuff on abuse and gives her the same advice as that given to lagirafe. You just hope it is a wake-up call. She desperately needs to come out of her understandable denial.

Is there any way you can persuade her to go to counselling on her own?

Yes, I think she would go to counselling on her own. The issue is probably a practical one - she's is crazy busy like all people with very small children. Her career is intense and she is successful (I think her H is jealous - his is not so good) and she manages their whole life including house renovations and big decisions.

She will tell me she has so little time - how could she go for counselling? I know it was complex organising the relationship counselling timing. I am hoping to get her to the GP. She says she has high anxiety so I feel that is a neutral suggestion and more 'doable' as I can look after her DS for that one-off.

Yes, get her to go to the GP if that sounds more neutral and less loaded. If she is happier going to the GP with 'anxiety' - although we all know why she's anxious - then the GP might be the person she listens to, if they are any good and spot the signs, that is

joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse

I agree with others - please report them to SS.

it is good she has her own job, money etc...she could leave. now.

"My DH says friend's DH praises her when she's not there" oh my ex praised me to high heaven when i wasn't there...funny that. he sent round a woman who had been helping him, from a church group, she said " he says you are a great mother.." i said umm what - look at these texts where he suggests quite the opposite! [now he has changed and tells SS and others how terrible I am..however they are usually factually incorrect accusations ...]

this man wont change unless he wants to. he tells everyone else how great she is, paints a good picture of married bliss...

at the moment he gets away with throwing things around, shouting, self harming in front of her... and she does nothing except persuade him to go to counselling together -which wont work but there is a chance the counsellor might realize and demand individual sessions... it's chancy though.

ask her things like "where do you see yourself and ds in a few years time"
where do you see your self down the line with your h, where will you be?"
"could you support yourself and DS alone if you needed to?"
"you have a good job and salary, if you need to you could leave even for a while.."
" i know a great flat to rent on xxx road..."

"have you thought about a trial separation?"
"how do you feel when h is not there?"
" is it hard trying to keep the peace?"

you don't need to use the word abusive to let her start to see clearly....

plant the seeds...

"he broke his neck bone , gosh did you call 999? you should have got him medical help...next time please do call 999"

" i am here if you ever need to get away for a while"

etc.

I am so grateful to everyone who has replied.

My friend is very 'locked in'. They have bought a house and are doing works to it, her job is here now and very location specific for a few years, there are lots of practical reasons why she will feel she must stay put. They have nice mutual friends they see as a couple. All that.

And I know she would wonder what she would say to people about why it didn't work out. She is very people-pleaser and sweet and will not want anyone to feel bad or uncomfortable. I could literally see her staying out of politeness - except now she has said she is frightened to leave him with DS.

You're absolutely right FriendofX about couple's counselling putting the onus on your friend to solve her partner's abusive behaviour. That scenario just gives him license to be more abusive. Couple's counselling shouldn't be given to a couple where violence is involved. Most often, the perpetrator will use anything the victim says in the supposed safety of the sessions against them, once behind closed doors.

I agree wholeheartedly that your friend seek counselling alone (with a BACP or UKCP registered therapist), and give Women's Aid a call.

God, what a mess. Do you think the counsellor will recognise this early on?

If you went to her house and smashed up her furniture and scared her son would she have you back again out of politeness ?
It is skewed thinking... tell her how your h behaves. The things he does that are opposite to what she experiences.

She can carry on... but she needs to think of her ds and what he is witnessing.

when her son goes to school and tells the teacher "my daddy breaks furniture " then hopefully teachers will ask questions...

Abusers are often master manipulators Friend. Meaning a counsellor may well not spot it. After all, they only have what the client tells them to go on.

And just by agreeing to couples counselling, she's sending him the message that the way he behaves is her fault. Couples counselling can be useful for, say, communication issues. But that's not the case here is it? As your thread title says, she's "terrified of him."

I do think that one to one counselling may help her recognise how appaling his behaviour is. That could be the first step towards her leaving this abusive relationship.

He is intimately connected with my social circle and always will be (related).

He sounds horrific and I don't see how anyone, related or not, could cope with him. The will to please all and everyone really does run out of steam but it can be hell of a wait. If she is terrified of him then joint counseling is not an appropriate reaction for sure, not sure counseling is it for her anyway. In fight or flight terms, leaving him might be on the horizon. The rest is ongoing torture.