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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone taken a break from their husband due to a sexuality crisis?

17 replies

OnwardsSteed · 14/06/2015 19:31

This may turn out to be long.

I've always been bisexual. My very, very first crushes were of older girls in my school and women on the TV.
When I was about 14 I prepared to tell my friends I was gay. Before this I had cut my hair off and wore very boyish clothes (because I felt that represented who I was better). I told a few friends how I felt and they were very good.

I never found boys attractive (more scary) and whilst all my friends were getting their first kisses I was hiding away from it all.

So at almost 16 I fell in love with my now DH. He was in my class and I had liked him for a while, he was the only boy I ever felt an attraction to.

Fast forwards 15 years and we have been together that whole time, kids, happy marriage we are best friends, good sex life.

But lately something has changed, I think its the fact I turned 30, something just happened in my head where I couldn''t get the thought of a relationship with a woman out of my head.

I added a friend on FB recently who I had previously spoken to (for a few years) in a different format where there were no photos. I liked her very much anyway. But the last few months I feel like I've really connected with her and she is very special to me.

Theres very little chance of us being together due to distance and I confessed how I felt to her and she said she was very flattered by it. We joke alot and since I told her this she seems to have gotten flirtier with me. We talk about our relationships and we both feel we would be better suited to female-female relationships but shes made no indication that I would be her choice in partner.

I think its just unfair on my husband and I should tell him I want some space whilst I sort my head out. I can't be wanting to see if this thing with her could progress whilst still being in a relationship with him. I'm not enjoying sex anymore as I just feel guilty.

Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation really.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/06/2015 19:34

I think you should tell your husband you are having an emotional affair and let him decide how he wants his marriage to be going forward. Would you tell him the truth on why you need this "space" ?

fishfingersinmysandwiches · 14/06/2015 19:42

A break OP?

With respect, this does make you sound very entitled. Do you really expect to be able to have a "break" in order to explore your feelings for someone else whilst your husband waits around to see what you fancy doing long term?

Who do you think he is?

Original poster

OnwardsSteed · 14/06/2015 19:44

He knows about her and the situation fully and is accepting of it, probably due to the distance, the fact it's not sexual or physical and that because it's a woman he doesn't feel 'threatened'. But it's me that is not happy with continuing this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnwardsSteed · 14/06/2015 19:46

Sorry not a break, that was bad wording. A seperation, my head is all over the place right now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/06/2015 19:47

so what would this "break" consist of ?

a chance to make it physical with her and see how it goes ?

Original poster

OnwardsSteed · 14/06/2015 19:52

No. I can't meet her. It's really not to do with her as the situation wouldn't change at all.

I think the break is just to see if I can go it alone as he's always been by my side.

OP posts:

inaboxwithafox · 14/06/2015 19:53

I'm surprised your husband doesn't feel threatened. I'd feel extremely threatened if my partner told me that he had been in touch with someone else saying the things that you said, whether they were male or female.

You are having an emotional affair, you are considering cheating and thinking about another person. You are seriously jeopardising your marriage and the life that you have built with your husband.

You married him, you entered into a monogamous committed relationship. At some point you probably said something like 'forsaking all others' and that means ALL others, regardless of your sexuality. Is it worth it OP? Maybe you do need some alone time to decide what is really important to you. The 'greener grass' or your husband and children.

inaboxwithafox · 14/06/2015 19:54

It is that you want out of your marriage? Or that you want to be with someone else? They are quite different things.

Original poster

OnwardsSteed · 14/06/2015 19:56

Yes but people change don't they? And more and more I feel like this is wrong for me. Like my husband if my best friend but sex just doesn't feel right. Like I'm just not enjoying the things a man and a woman do together.

OP posts:

inaboxwithafox · 14/06/2015 20:01

Ok so I know some folk on MN bang on about their prolific, fantastic sex lives but in reality doesn't married life with kids end up dulling things in the bedroom a bit? How long have you been married? Couldn't it just be a bit of tedium?

inaboxwithafox · 14/06/2015 20:02

And btw I know sex is very important in a relationship, but it also only one element of a relationship.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2015 20:18

OP, I sympathise and you have already said you might not be being fair to your H

I agree, I don't think you are being fair to your H

if this was another man you were mooning over, your arse would be handed to you on a plate

cheating emotionally is just that, regardless of the gender

Original poster

OnwardsSteed · 14/06/2015 20:26

I know I am in the wrong fully. I have been fully honest about this and talk to DH about it often.
I feel like it's not right and so should take some time away. I just wondered if anyone had experienced the same thing.

OP posts:

fedupchuck · 14/06/2015 20:42

"But lately something has changed"
"I added a friend on FB recently"

Do you think the fact that you have developed feelings for this woman has 'fast tracked ' (for want of a better word) your underlying issues with remaining in a hetro relationship? Or do you think that if this woman hadn't popped up, you'd have gone on happily? Have there been any situations like this before while with your DH or is this the first time you have seriously considered leaving him to explore your sexuality more fully?

Zillie77 · 14/06/2015 21:03

Steed-do you think that having thoughts about this woman may be what has put you off of your husband a bit? Because you do note that you and he have had a good sex life. Some folks find that their romantic attention can only be attached to one person at a time, so maybe if you stopped focusing on her your interest in him might return? I speak from experience when I say that relationships with women and men can be disappointingly similar, despite the anatomy, and what was most important to me was the life I built with my partner; our history, our family, and no one can compete with that. That having been said, if you have never had another experience, let alone with a woman, I can understand feeling doubtful. I wish you much luck in however it plays out.

Zillie77 · 14/06/2015 21:14

I met my husband at age 27, after a string of disappointing relationships with both men and women, and I have often said I wish I could have skipped all of those relationships and met him much earlier in life; but I guess that there is something to be said for having a basis for comparison.

cafesociety · 14/06/2015 21:26

Onwards bisexual too, I could have written your post, many, many years ago. I was also up front and open with my H. I felt tormented and unable to sort out my feelings [at the GP, drastically losing weight/crying etc] .....bisexuality is a nightmare, people just don't get how torn you feel, and it's not all about genitals/sex life as some think. My H felt like yours, and he was very understanding.

But I thought the grass was greener. I have lived a colourful and interesting life since, my ex H is happy with another partner...but I have lived to deeply regret my choice. Think very carefully before you make any decisions.

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