It's a lovely June weekend, and I feel very lonely and unwanted. I've been feeling for a long time that I don't really have any close friendships or companionship in my life right now, and the fact that it's my birthday and my friends are either unavailable of have cancelled on me at the last minute just makes it really starkly obvious today. I feel very low and very hopeless.
Of my small handful of close friends, all are now in couple relationships, some with children, that seem to make them completely unavailable for anything more than the odd lunch or dog walk, or skype session for the ones who live abroad, once or twice or month.
I also have a large number of friendly acquaintances, who I see at parties and group activities. And I try to deepen these acquaintances into friendships by suggesting outings to the ones I'd like to get closer to, but they essentially remain "Facebook" friends: the kind of people who say they can "maybe" make it, or they'll "try" to come - and often don't - when I suggest things.
I get that people have their own lives and that priorities change, etc. That still leaves me without any meaningful social bonds. On Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I've got the lowest rung well covered, but none of the higher ones: no companionship, no worthwhile pursuits (hate my job), definitely do not feel self-actualized. This does not seem to be a life worth living.
I have a ton of interests and lots of hobbies. I am intelligent and engaging. Other people are under the impression that I have a full life and lots of friends, I think, because I am so very active. But in fact, I really lack a core group of close friendships. I did have one recently but lost them all to husbands and babies, and none of the hobbies I do (and love) are turning up people who are my kind of people (example: I do nature conservation, and the other volunteers are on average 30 years older than I am. They are lovely, and I enjoy the time spent together on our hobby, but they are not the people who I am going to see outside of our hobby to have after work beers with, or evenings in watching Netflix and bonding). It seems nuts to consider jacking in hobbies that I love in order to use the time on different hobbies where I might meet different people: because then I would be spending my time on hobbies I don't love as much, and there's no guarantee I would even click with the new people.
My family live in a variety of different countries, none live near me. My parents are Stately Homes material anyway. I love my sister but she is very flaky about keeping in touch (repeated missed Skype dates).
Oh and I'm single, and without children. Divorced an abusive man who threatened my life 4 years ago. One relationship in the intervening time that ended last year (nice enough guy but not on my wavelength).
I've had a really tough year with a lot of work stress, burnout, and time off sick. It was very isolating. I have emerged from it now and am being very social again, suggesting lots of outings to groups and individuals, but I am getting the message, from repeated rejections or just silence, that the people I know just can't be bothered. And it's beginning to make me feel very bad about myself, and very sorry for myself too. I think about ending my life a lot. I'll be seeing my therapist on Tuesday, but therapy is not a magic bullet.
I feel sometimes that it must be me who is unlovable. If I look at these thoughts rationally, I can tell I'm not unlovable, I just don't happen to have any close friendships right now. Even if I have faith that this will eventually happen, that still leaves me friendless right now, and for a long stretch of the future while I keep looking and hoping.
What I want, if I can visualise it, is to have the kind of importance in someone's life that I can say: "So, what are we doing this weekend?", and have it be natural and understood that we will be spending time together. Instead, I find that I spend an incredible amount of time trying to organise a lunch here and a dog walk there, scrabbling for a time when others can fit me into their calendar, and feeling like a supplicant.
TL;DR: I am lonely on my birthday and feel unwanted, and that my life is pointless without any meaningful, real life, social bonds.
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It's my birthday, my friends have let me down, so I'm having a bit of a weep and a bit of a moan here
27 replies
LonelyBirthday · 14/06/2015 08:32
OP posts:
RaisingMen ·
14/06/2015 12:21
I'm sorry you feel this way OP, I can empathise with a lot of what you've said but have no real advice.
Wishing you a very happy birthday x
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