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Please help - have no idea how to do online dating, some simple questions!

43 replies

LeeMee · 14/06/2015 06:27

I have come out the other side of a long divorce (has been years) and a disastrous first relationship with someone I knew locally and have decided it's time to start getting out there!

However I am very nervous of starting this whole process for a number of reasons.

  1. I run a large company - I know some of my employees do online dating. Am I going to make a fool of myself if my profile suddenly turns up on say Match.com? Should I try and avoid mainstream sites and go for something else? Would you take the piss if your female boss was doing this?
  1. I get the feeling the way this works is that everyone local will be able to see me (is it done by postcode?). Given that I went out with someone local I could do without that but I'm guessing that you have to do this? I live in London but in a small part of London where I know a lot of people (!).
  1. Am terrified! Although I'm pretty confident in real life, I am not confident at all with dating!

If anyone could be any help or give me some tips I'd be hugely appreciative!

(Ps have name changed!)

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 14/06/2015 08:29

I met my DH on match. I met a few lovely people and a few odd ones too.

I read some of the articles on being serious about online dating and treating it like a business project. They're on the Match site.

The long and short to me was be polite but fairly ruthless.

Meet people in a public place for a short date i.e. Coffee then have the option to go straight ahead and organise a second date if you wish.

Be honest with yourself. If this person is nice but you don't feel any spark, move on.

Buy a cheap mobile (or second sim) for initial off line contacts so its easy to end contact and doesn't interfere with your business life.

Have three people you're in contact with. If one disappears, sometimes they do, you wont feel so rejected. With two its too easy to compare and play them off.

Have fun. Yes you have to put yourself out there, would using a photo be such an awful thing?

Hidsup · 14/06/2015 09:09

That's all good advice nhadnt thought about the phone thing but you're so right on that front

Fairylea · 14/06/2015 09:21

You do have to be a bit brutal too... If someone messaged me and I didn't like them or just didn't fancy them I just blocked them straight away. Sounds harsh but I didn't want to waste time messaging them or having them message me just for nothing.

I blocked and deleted lots of complete weirdos before I found dh. One guy sent me a message saying I would be great for his 80 year old father in Iran (complete with photo of his dad) and I had one guy who was obsessed with marmite and kept going on about it non stop. The world is full of weirdos. I think there's good and bad on all the dating sites.

pocketsaviour · 14/06/2015 13:41

LOL at obsessed with marmite Grin

The thing you have to consider about people who know you seeing your profile, is that they're only going to see it if they are on the site themselves. And people in glass houses don't throw stones :)

But yes, craft your profile so that it doesn't give away any deep dark secrets - talk about your interests, etc, but don't put anything like "I've been messed around so many times" (that's a real put-off anyway).

If you choose not to use a photo you won't get many contacts as people will assume you are married and cheating, or have something to hide.

You might find Guardian Soulmates or ClassicFM dating (or Telegraph if that's more your political angle) more useful as I've heard they tend to be used more in London.

CanalTrip · 14/06/2015 14:21

When I went on there a few weeks ago I came off pondering if I'd become asexual because I really struggled to imagine myself with any of them.

My experience exactly Grin

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/06/2015 14:23

I've met a few great people through OD.........and some idiots too!

Most of the ones on paid sites are on POF and OKC anyway so don't waste your money on paid sites IMO.

LeeMee · 14/06/2015 15:07

Lol Canal

I just spent an hour perusing profiles and was contemplating exactly the same!

Lots of people sound so desperate :(

OP posts:
Jermajesty · 14/06/2015 18:32

I've used paid (Guardian Soulmates) and free (POF) ones, and found the free ones better. Good luck!

Hidsup · 14/06/2015 20:27

Lee. I think the initial reaction is one of horror either looking at men or even at women (market research). However whittle it down to people that you might match and then the numbers are far smaller to consider.

I've just started chatting to one bloke (on the back of this thread) who looks nice but says he doesn't like emailing. I don't want to email for weeks but I do want to know a bit about him before we arrange a date.

LeeMee · 14/06/2015 22:25

Good luck :)

OP posts:
ocelot7 · 14/06/2015 22:41

Some good ideas here - I wish I'd thought about a slight (online) relocation...I have always used a different name before I meet people - as I have a very unusual name so Google goes straight to me if combined with county, never mind city!
I'd also suggest don't get sucked into endless messaging/penpals. Set yourself a time limit - say 2 weeks - & if you don't think you have enough in common to meet for coffee or if meeting has not even been suggested by either of you then stop - politely.

AyMamita · 14/06/2015 22:55

my security tips:

  • different area to where you actually live use posh part f town if you're a golddigger
  • do not use real name in username, don't tell anyone your full name if googleable
  • buy a pay as you go mobile, don't give people your real mobile number in case they turn out to be mad stalkers
  • do not use any photos of you on your dating profile that you also use on linked in, company website etc - a reverse image search will find them and identify you!
Lozfc · 14/06/2015 23:02

Pof is good but in my experience most of the guys just wanted sex and a number were possibly married?
Treat it as a laugh and fun and nothing too serious and see what comes from it.
I was and still am skeptical of most of the guys on there but there's enough stories of decent guys being found on there
And if a lot just want a shag it doesn't neccessarily make them bad lol

Snow1 · 14/06/2015 23:28

Hidsup: not sure how someone saying the person they look for needs to be slim makes you despair? There's no point in them wasting your time if they won't be attracted (that goes for everything they're looking for, not just size).

For online dating you need pretty thick skin unless you're extremely good looking as you'll get a lot of rejections. It might be a little different (as I'm a guy so normally "supposed" to send the messages) for a girl though, just meaning you don't get too many messages.

Make sure pictures are good - ask male friends you can trust, and get them to help pick the pictures - friends won't want to offend by saying you don't look great in a picture if you give them one choice. Try and have a close up profile picture as the main one, then perhaps a picture with some friends, and one with you doing an interest you enjoy. Try and smile, makes a big different to me as a guy. Don't use pictures from previous wedding ceremony I have seen on some profiles before!

Put interests, but keep it short and sweet. Don't have a huge list of "you should be..." or "you shouldn't be..." on the profile, it's just scary!

I think these days most people won't care if they see you on there, more just think "that's interesting she's here". However since it might be people you don't know so well then keep pictures and your text clean, and don't put up too much stuff about yourself. But I don't think it should cause problems to have an open profile.

Just treat it as a bit of fun and expect to mean a few really cool people and a lot of crazy ones too! Then see how things go from there.

Hidsup · 16/06/2015 05:50

I don't think it's wrong to only be attracted to people with a BMI in normal range. I think there is something odd about listing attributes your partner must have, if it's just physical. So a slim woman would be his only requirement ? Relationships are about a lot more than sex.

Surely knowing what someone likes doing in their spare time counts; whether they choose Corrie and a bag of crisps or a long walk is as or more important since you can be slim and do both!

The best sex I have had was with a bloke with a definite (but modest) beer belly shape. Would I select him if I based it on just looks? No ...but he was fabulous company and fabulous in bed. So I won't be adding don't bother contacting me unless you have a six pack to my profile.

Anyway I have a date for this weekend Grin

Hidsup · 16/06/2015 05:59

On the topic of crazy people, a friend and I found a guy she was interested in. He looked really nice and friendly.

He's recently amended his profile and it's now a rant against women including saying how many women's photos are just naff FFS You've got to wonder how successful that stance is and also how his personality changed in a couple of weeks!

TopOfTheCliff · 16/06/2015 07:50

I think I am a success story for POF. I am a local professional in a small town so when I was OLD I put up a blurry picture of me doing my hobby and named the nearby city as home. Then I messaged the VERY few men who didn't look like illiterate bores. I met two men and am engaged to the second. (The first was a bitter womanhater but very pretty!)
DP was on various sites for two years and got a bit jaded but he kept dating people who were never going to be suitable because he was too nice to block them straightaway.
I think you need to treat it as a project and not get too emotionally involved with everyone who contacts you. If you are fragile it will hurt, so make sure you are ready. And have fun!

Snow1 · 16/06/2015 18:19

I guess for quite a few people on there they will only be looking for something physical - for both sexes. If they're only talking about looks then it might indicate that, or it may be they're just very shallow!

Good luck with the date!

You do see that type of craziness every so often on profiles. Some people seem to get really angry when they don't have instant success, and if there is underlying man hating/ woman hating issues they post a massive rant and then often close the profile for a while, before desperation drives them to try again.

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