How would you handle it? Dh and my mum..

[Miriam2]

Dh and my mum have never particularly got on but never had an all out argument tho he moans plenty to me about her. Because she lives 300 miles away she tends to come and stay every 3 months or so for about a week. Dh is becoming impossible to live with during these visits. It's partly to do with not having the house to himself/ourselves and partly cos mum winds him up with comments about ds (she thinks he's cheeky/spoilt)and personal comments about the house which we are doing up ('Ooh haven't you spent enough recently?') He won't disagree with her (too polite/ doesn't want a scene) so just simmers...
Basically I feel like piggy in the middle. I find my mother infuriating a lot of the time too but just try to grin and bear it (or make a joke of some of her more controversial comments) but dh just withdraws into himself and gets grumpier and grumpier.
When I can I go and visit on my own or with dd but with work etc thats not an option very often.
Any advice.... or just sympathy?! I envy so-called 'big happy families' but wonder in truth if they are a myth. Obviously on my mind as Christmas is looooming

I think it's your responsibility to have a word with your mum, if this was my MIL I would be telling dh to get it sorted out sharpish. What will happen if you say "I'd really appreciate it if you didn't criticise ds, it upsets us"?

Although it is not great, could he use this week to go and visit friends, just for a night or two to break it up? Alternatively, if your mum is ok about it, you and your dh could go out most evenings, again giving you dh some time away!

My mum can be the same but luckily dh is a computer games person so he stays out of the way in his study & my mum is happy for us to go out while she babysits in the evenings.

My mum can be like that too. Think mums of girls think they have the right!!
I told mine straight out. Its my house, my ways. if you dont like it......
She is coming to stay next week!

Over the years we've tried the 'going away' thing and I've invited her here if dh has been away on business or with the lads. But obviously you cant engineer that every time.
I think you're right tribpot, it's our house after all and our darling ds, although she'll get the hump if I asked her to stop, perhaps she'd go way and think about it. She seems to be getting more thick skinned as she gets older, although if anyone slights her, it's tears.

My mum can be like this too. She goes huffy and then gets my dad to "have words" with us whenever we dare to question her or bursts into tears. Dh & I go out every night when they visit.

I would rather have my inlaws stay than my parents which is quite sad really.

d'you know auntymandy, I think you've hit on something there, she wouldn't go to either of my brothers and say things like that in front of eitherof my SILS.

Sometimes its hard hurting the ones you love in situations like this Miriam, but we also have to be "cruel to be kind" IYSWIM
Like you said-she wouldnt say it at DB/SIL's house-ask yourself why? Because they wont allow it! Have they already 'put her' in her place?
Its seems the only option I see.

Not easy I know, but you can be diplomatic about it, you dont appear like you'd go in 'all guns blazin'
Do you feel up to it?

I'm feeling like I ought to say something. I actually look forward to Christmas, birthdays etc when she's going to be here then inevitably am disappointed and dh as I said is a right old grump.
Keeping busy is definitely the way forward, the worst times are when we all sit around and watch HER tv programmes and then she talks thru what we or the dcs want to watch.
I know she's lonely as she lives alone and doesn't see the children much- I just wish it was less stressful!

I am in a minority here. I don't think it's worth causing a big falling out over 4 visits in a year.
We have a similar situation with my MIL and I wouldn't expect my dh to talk to her and risk a row. I grin and bear it when she is here, and dance a jig when she leaves. I put up with all the snide comments because she's dh's mother, my children's grandmother and TBH it's simpler to nod and smile and then just carry on as we were.

I'm concerned that you feel like piggy in the middle. I hope I don't make dh feel that way. If anything, we are more united in the face of a common foe as it were. He also finds her a bit much.

I think you should talk to your dh before you tackle your mother.

Her visits need not be a drag, if you told how you feel. She will carry on doing/being the same as always otherwise.
If she decideds she no longer wants to come because of how she has taken "what you have to say" then it is her loss Im afraid.

Whats the worse that can happen.

Miriam I could have written your post! I always feel like I'm tearing myself in half trying to keep both mum and DH happy. We used to take her on holiday with us but I just can't stand the strain anymore, so we've stopped.

If you are anything like me you'll have tried the "chats" with DH before she arrives, and if yours is anything like mine it will make no difference. No advice but just to say you aren't alone

My mam and dh do not get on at all well either, however I don't actually have the courage to thrash this out with her. To be honest although we get on quite well she can sulk for weeks on end and I just can't be bothered. Therefore, I take the approach of bribing dh to be nice to her by saying he is more of an adult and senisble person than she is and can't he just be nice for a week. It works reasonably well, although I realise that it is the coward's way out.