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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh siding with teenage dd and doing all activities together

49 replies

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 15:56

Dh and i have had a very challenging yr,He is under going help for his anger and hearing and bad back all since his heart attack 18 months ago.
I work long hrs and as dd is almost 18 she and dh help out with chores food shopping and etc and he takes her to activities or drops her off to catch buses etc. This would be great but he NEVER does anything with ds 16.Never has and refuses to discuss it.ds is his son btw.
The weird thing is he allows dd to answer me back like he does and they decide big things for example our rabbit had babies on had bad eye and we had to decide to pay for op or get animal put to sleep which on 4 week old bun would be sad but less costly and time consumming as i have work alot and my df is deteriorating fast with his aggressive cancer.
i made descision then dh and dd went against it taking about 6 trips to the vets at cost and time to the whole family knowing im working sunday and next week end is him golfing then me working 10 am /1130 pm.
2 weeks ago was him collecting dd from a wedding she went to the week before he went golfing i gave him some b day money and he got paraletic drunk and kept me awake despite my df being very ill and having to go to hosp with an infection the next day,
I just wondered has anyone ever felt like a lodger in their own home and the dd makes the rules ? or is it just me.
I am grateful for their support while i work i just find it odd he does so much with her when i am his wife together 28 yrs and we have ds.

OP posts:

cailindana · 13/06/2015 16:55

Are you seriously blaming your daughter for wrapping her dad around her finger? Jesus christ you and your nasty prick of a husband are both as bad as each other.

Listen to what is being said here. Your daughter is being abused and you are colluding with it. You can either change that or let it go on. Your choice.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 16:56

No they just love rock music and took it in turns to take the girls then then mum drove when dh had his heart attack and couldnt drive.DD had a bf who lives 200 miles away and stayed at her friends house we all know about it now.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 13/06/2015 16:58

This is not your dd's fault, it's your dh. He will have a motive for this behaviour. It's odd that he won't spend time with his own son and won't discuss it. In fact it's more than odd. It's not something I would put up with.

I would separate from this man because he is treating you so badly. Start there and everything else will fall into place.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 17:10

Thank you fairenuff cailndana your tone sounds abusive tbh im sure most ordinary people dont go around thinking their dcs are being abused as most are not .It was merely a thought that crossed my mind when my db brought his dd to dfs house last week i didnt think abuse i thought how lovely.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 17:16

i guess i need legal advice dont i and talking to dh in a while which will end nowhere as he always storms off !!

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 13/06/2015 17:17

Do I remember from a previous thread that you said you were going to hang in there until your youngest was through his exams, and then leave?

I think the exclusion that your DS is suffering now, not to mention the dysfunctional role that has been given to your DD, should motivate you to leave as soon as possible. Exams can be re-sat, if necessary. It's a damn sight more hard to rebuild self-esteem.

I would also have a conversation with your DD as soon as possible and ask her if her dad every makes her feel uncomfortable with what he talks about or does. And that it's upsetting to you that he seems to be putting DD in a position where she is being treated like a parent and not a child. She needs to understand that it's okay to talk about these things and that you have her back and will protect her.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/06/2015 17:22

It was the fact that you mentioned your daughter was attractive and men looked at her in public, then you stated that she wrapped him round her little finger.

Only you can stop the damage, you need to act.

cailindana · 13/06/2015 17:23

It's not a question of whether most parents "go around thinking their dcs are being abused." You can see right in front of you what is happening - your DS is being totally ignored while your DD is being treated like a mini wife by her father. It is a totally fucked up situation that you are allowing to continue.

Rebecca2014 · 13/06/2015 17:24

He does sound like he is treating his daughter like a spouse. It is not just damaging to her but for your relationship with your daughter.

I would separate from this man and hope doing this would break this unhealthy relationship they are having.

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2015 17:33

Well it sounds as though her DD would stay with her husband, though, doesn't it? And what would that do for them?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 18:06

well i spoke to dd who assures me she just goes anywhere with dh as she gets so bored which is true.I spoke to dh who said he would do stuff with ds.I agree dd would want to live with dh as they get along and he has no rules or discipline like i do i dont think im too bad i was just given chores and responsibility when i was growing up.So suddenley one sat afternoon im letting dh abuse our Dd ? im grateful for the advise and opinions and im sure in amongst all my other things going on if i thought she was being abused i would ve noticed where do you suggest i go now cailindana with 2 dcs ?

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/06/2015 18:16

Why is he getting help for his anger?

Cancookdontcook · 13/06/2015 18:36

Op, you say you would have noticed if something more had been going on but you work long hours until 11.30 at night and you care for elderly relatives, is that right? It sounds like you are not around a lot at the moment.

Your husband is at home during the day as is your daughter?

I would definitely be concerned if I were you.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 18:40

He started to have outbursts in 2013 then he had a heart attack and got worse.Gp blamed his heart attack. can be a problem after a serious life event

Today he was shouting and calling me alsorts according to dd when i rang his mobile to see how long he would be,I asked him if he respected me and he replied "sometimes" says it all really :(

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 18:49

He does work cancook its just fri sat sun he is here and he did admit it sounds odd when i mentioned it the started saying he was a perv in a ridiculous way.I didnt mean that just think he does way too much with one person and nothing with the other two (though sometimes that is my working hrs).

OP posts:

twistletonsmythe · 13/06/2015 20:05

you say you can't leave - so why can't he go instead?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 20:22

it is both our house we did talk about being apart but never gone through it all so we ve no experience of it all believe me ive thought about walking away then thought about the expense and realities.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/06/2015 20:59

where do people initially go when they separate ? i have some savings but wouldnt know where to start tbh .

OP posts:

Cancookdontcook · 13/06/2015 22:54

You tell him it's the end of the relationship. You ask him to leave. You start divorce proceedings whether he leaves or not.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/06/2015 00:21

im sure in amongst all my other things going on if i thought she was being abused i would ve noticed

You've noticed the unhealthy dynamic, it's what you've posted about. You not realising it's abusive doesn't stop it being so, or mean it couldn't possibly lead to other related kinds of abuse.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 14/06/2015 08:06

Thanks i do feel that they are like 2 kids together when i would like some adult support and parental support although i admit having to work odd hrs has probably contributed to their closeness but i do find it odd ds is never chatted to or taken out,As soon as i get in from work i go to both dcs rooms and see if they are ok or whats been happening.Sometimes when i get in 1130 my dh hasnt spoken to ds when he got home 630!

OP posts:

cailindana · 14/06/2015 09:06

You have noticed abuse - you're talking about it. Your son is being treated like he doesn't exist. Your daughter is being treated like a partner. That is abusive.
You asked me where I suggest you go. You don't have to go anywhere, just kick him out. As others have said, if he won't go start proceedings away, he'll go eventually. Don't make out that you're helpless in all this. You are the parent, it is your job to protect your children.

diddl · 14/06/2015 12:57

If yourdaughter is at home waiting to go to college & your son still busy it school then it's easier to see how they are spending time together.

Changing a decision that you have made is not on, especially if it affects you as well.

"The weird thing is he allows dd to answer me back like he does"

That's something that you have to stop her doing.

How does your husband "answer you back"?

Fairenuff · 14/06/2015 13:07

Presumably your ds's exams are over now, or will be by the end of this week. You should start making plans to separate by getting legal and financial advice.

Your dd may well prefer to live with your dh at first but the novelty would probably wear off when he gets fed up doing all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, housework, or she gets annoyed at being asked to pitch in.

Life without rules only works when there is someone else picking up the slack and at the moment that person is you. Take yourself out of the equation and they will both realise how much you've been doing and how you hold it all together.

But the main reason to separate would be to get your son away from this awful influence. It must be soul destroying to live with a father who largely ignores you. He may benefit from some counselling to help him understand that it's not his fault, it's nothing that he said or did, or didn't say and do. His father is 100% responsible for this.

Finally, for your own wellbeing, you need to get away from this man. Yes, his behaviour is abusive and a heart attack does not excuse it. He respects you 'sometimes'? No, he doesn't respect you at all. Start making plans to end this unhealthy dynamic.

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