How grumpy is too grumpy?

[Pippa12]

My DH is known for being a pessimist and inpatient. He gets wound up easily, however last couple of years he's been earlier to live with. On the other hand he can be lovely, so thoughtful and funny, he's very popular and his friends find his 'faults' endearing. He's very grumpy but not sure what's 'normal' behind closed doors.

This morning I asked my DH what his plans were. I'm fed up at minute as his work schedule is hectic which means it will be 26th June before we spend any quality time together. My tone was probably abit off, but he was leaving for work at midday and I wasn't sure when he would be back- just sometime tomorrow. I said I thought this was unreasonable as I would make my own plans if it was going to be late. I had also thought he was going in later today (as he had told me he was) he had to go in on time but hadn't told me. This messed up my plans and I was vexed. I probably deserved abit of a snapping at because he is super busy but how long does your husband go on for?

He slammed about saying he'd already told me. Swearing, raised voice, saying I was a knob??? Our DD wouldn't get dressed. He didn't shout at her but stropped down the stairs swearing. I went to the shops and upon my return he carried on, eat both portions of lunch so left me without anything. There were other things to eat but I was short of time because of him having to go to work. He said things like 'I'll take your car then' or 'you go, I won't be here when you get back'. He says I don't listen to him- but he's so busy I think he just forgets to tell me.

His temper tantrums are shaming when we are out with family- ie stropping because his parents aren't walking quick enough through the park, DD acting up, bad drivers, bad weather... I could go on. He gets so stroppy- to the point that to others it must seem he doesn't even like me. Example: we went out last night, he couldn't find something, babysitter was here, he said where are they? Me: In your drawer? Him: tutted at me and said They aren't and they p*es me off! Came down with thing out of drawer all normal and happy.

I love my husband, we've been together for 15 years and on the whole when he's being nice he's great, but his temper is driving me insane, I feel angry inside when he starts. I want to scream in his face to grow up but that just makes him worse. There seems there is never any room for me to be stressed or in a bad mood as that encourages him to start. What is normal?

I don't think that is.

Sorry, but it doesn't sound nice at all. He's nice when he isn't being horrible doesn't sound like a happy way to live.

Does he not care that he behaves like this? He sounds like a tantruming child, not an adult.

His temper tantrums are shaming when we are out with family- ie stropping because his parents aren't walking quick enough through the park, DD acting up, bad drivers, bad weather... I could go on

I know you've said you love him but this is fucking awful behaviour, this is awful for you and your dd to have to live with.

He's not just grumpy, he's a twat to you and doesn't give a fuck what you think about it.

Thanks for your honesty- I know your right. It's laughable really, I just don't know what to do about it. He's like jekyl and Hyde. He has a really stressful job as do I but this is no excuse. He did say he'd go to the doctor once but never went threw with it.

When everything is fine he's great- when something is stressful I can't lean on him because he explodes. My mum was winding me up the other day (fairly regular occurrence) he blamed me and said it was my own fault because I go and see her? I feel like I get it from a lot of angles so wonder if I really should take a look at myself- however my tolerance is so low to other people because I'm pacifying my husband. I'm not going to leave him, I truly love him, 8/10 he's a good husband/dad, but I just don't know what to do to make him see my tolerance won't last forever.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?.

You may well love him but his actions towards you and by turn your child are not loving. Would you want your DD to grow up thinking that yes, this is how women are treated in relationships?. I would hope not. However, you're teaching her that this treatment of you is, currently at least, acceptable to you.

You do realise also that you and by turn your child are being dragged down with him by association.

This is learnt behaviour on his part; are either one or both his parents the same?. Regardless he is not going to change, also what he is doing here is working for him because he has you jumping to attention.

What sort of image does he present to other people; a very different one I would think to the one he shows you more often than not. Are you really walking on eggshells around him waiting for and anticipating his next outburst?.

I would think long and hard about your future within this marriage.

How does he manage to function in the world?

Has he not lost jobs because he blows up at his boss? Been escorted from shops? Had to change GPs because he has started yelling at his doctor, calling them names? Been evicted from a supermarket because he was shouting at the cashier? Been asked to leave the bank because he was calling the bank manager a knob?

How does his displays of temper to people other than you affect him in his day to day life?

You're not going to tell me that it's really only you he treats like this I hope?

Pippa12,

re your comment:-

"When everything is fine he's great- when something is stressful I can't lean on him because he explodes. My mum was winding me up the other day (fairly regular occurrence) he blamed me and said it was my own fault because I go and see her? I feel like I get it from a lot of angles so wonder if I really should take a look at myself- however my tolerance is so low to other people because I'm pacifying my husband. I'm not going to leave him, I truly love him, 8/10 he's a good husband/dad, but I just don't know what to do to make him see my tolerance won't last forever".

Its not you, its them. I would also take your mother to task for winding you up each and every time she does this. You have perhaps allowed her also to get away with too much for too long. Bad behaviour from anyone around you should not be at all tolerated.

Many abusive at heart men are not abusive all the time but they do the nice and nasty cycle very well. It though is a continuous cycle.

Saying that you are not going to leave him is all very well and good but that stance does not help you either. That just states you're going to put up with it. He is not going to change ultimately and his behaviour may well deteriorate further. You can only tell him once and once only that your tolerance towards him is swiftly coming to an end. He may well not believe you though, you have not left him to date and he probably does not think you'd ever leave anyway. He continues not to apologise nor accept any responsibility for his actions. Blaming you is far easier and you are a convenient scapegoat.

"8/10 he's a good husband and dad"; well I would argue that he needs to be 10/10. He is falling short here OP and you know it; you spend time pacifying this person. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

I probably deserved abit of a snapping at because he is super busy.

Is that what you really think, that you deserve to be shouted at?

Thanks ladies, you've given me some things to think about. I wonder if I've perhaps painted a terrible picture of him as he is a good husband a lot of the time. He great when he's great, awful when not... Sounds like you've all heard it all before. Thanks for your honest replies x

If a sandwich contains 80% delicious bacon and 20% shit, it's a shit sandwich.

Surely he can't be happy living like this though? I'm saying this as someone who used to get wound up beyond all proportion myself (although didn't take it out on my loved ones directly.) I was sarcastic, I was pessimistic, but I was funny with it - my friends loved my "routines". But I hated myself.

The thing is, you're tolerating this at the moment, and that's giving him the message that it's okay to continue.

He said he would see the doctor, but he didn't. So I think that's your first place to start. But bear in mind, the only reason he'll change is if he wants to change. If he cares about you enough to make the effort. If he doesn't - if he's fine being all Victor Meldrew in the pub or whatever - then you need to think very carefully about what you're willing to let your DD be exposed to, and how you're normalising his behaviour to her.

I was your DH. It shames me to say that.

I veered between overt rage and sullen gloom. I behaved badly in private and in public. I nursed grudges and pursued them relentlessly.

About 18 years ago I realised that I wasn't supposed to be like this. I'd started having panic attacks and I was also facing the death of DF. So I broke down in the GP's, and he gave me a heroic dose of SSRIs. That started me on my long climb out. I'm still climbing.

Oh, and without DW'S patience I'd be...elsewhere. She won't tell me how close I came; I might still be one cross word or funny look away. Best not take the risk.

Which is where OP comes in. He gets fixed, or somebody will snap.

Maybe your DH is having a really bad time at work. His behaviour sounds like someone really down in the dumps but instead of crying about it he's keeping it locked up inside and it's presenting itself in the ways you have described. My advice is get the kids into bed, open a bottle of wine and talk to your husband. Telly and phones off. Communication with love is key.

"My dear husband, the world doesn't fucking revolve around you. Get a grip and stop acting like a toddler"

The tantrums are a form of control and are used to get what he wants.

I have one of these. How old is he? Look up testosterone deficiency which can cause extreme mood swings and other symptoms.

If he doesn't behave in this manner to his work colleagues, waiting/shop staff etc, it would suggest he can control his temper when it suits him to do so but he sees no reason to do so with those who continue to tolerate his tantrums.

Your dcs' childhood memories are likely to be littered with memories of the time df kicked off at x event, spat his dummy out when y happened, went into one because of z etc, and they may become cowed by his outbursts or grow up to emulate them.

His attendance at his GP's surgery or an anger management course has to be a dealbreaker - the former can rule out any physical cause for his bad temper and the latter will at least give him the tools to behave in a more age-appropriate and socially acceptable manner in public as well as in private

I wonder if he realises how deeply unbecoming it is when an adult behaves like a 2 year old and make a ridiculous prat of themselves in the process? If I were you I'd be tempted to film him and threaten to post it on youtube.