New to OD - red flag or am I paranoid?

[anotherlovalove]

Hi Mumsnetters.

I'm looking for advice on whether I'm being a little paranoid, or if this is a red flag (or a red flag in terms of what I am looking for in a partner, at least).

My last relationship ended because my DP repeatedly told me he wanted to marry me, that he couldn't wait too be my husband, couldn't wait to buy a house, but nothing happened. We were only together just shy of three years, and I'm only just entering my thirties so its not like there was a huge rush on. BUT, I came to resent what I thought to be false promises, particularly when we had every chance to at least move forward with one of these things. Looking back, I can see now that he was the sort of person who was very much a commitment phobic/cautious (fyi a similar thing happened with his ex).

So my current predicament. I recently started chatting with a lovely man from a dating site. We get on very well and share the same humour. However, in a recent chat, he told me that his last relationship ended because his ex left him, after basically getting bored of waiting for him to commit. He said it was ironic as he was 'just about to suggest buying a home,' but then said that he had felt for a while that things weren't right so when they did actually break up, he was mentally prepared for it. He also said he is a very cautious person in relationships. This guy is 32 and his relationship last 4 years. He then tried to re assure me that he was a decisive person and that if anything, when he is sure about something he goes for it. But the chat has left me feeling like I am on dangerous ground. I am disappointed as I felt we had a real connection, but the whole point of OD was to find someone who wants the same things as me, and I fear this is another indecisive, commitment-wary man, and I have 0 tolerence for that anymore.

NB. I know everyone is different and some people get married after a year, others after 10 etc, but for me, if it feels right and I'm in love, I don't want someone dragging their feet in some luke-warm attitude to building a family. Hope all this makes sense!!

Have you actually met this OD bloke?

Only once..

Erm, isn't this all a bit premature seeing as you've not met him?

It's perfectly fine to say you don't want to meet someone because of 'any reason at all' but I think this is all a bit delving at this point.

sorry, I meant to say I have met him once!! we had d inner and it was lovely.

So you've only met him once?

You need to take a few deep breaths and calm down!

Hmmm you are thinking ahead too far in one way...but then again if he's saying he's someone who is afraid to commit and you're specifically trying to avoid that type of man you should move on. Try to date more men and give yourself some choice.

On line dating, is like a big shop, full of all your fantasies , where you can pick & choose what's on offer that week. The merchandise on offer, are also the salesmen , now we all know that salesmen talk a load of claptrap, to try to get you to purchase their product rather than the next person. Only time will tell, if the item you purchased is honest about their description & turns out to be a keeper or a dud.
I wish you well in your quest to find that honest partner......

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. I'm sorry to be blunt, but the fact that this guy or your last boyfriend were not able to move the relationship forward is because they were not fully convinced they wanted a permanent and formal commitment to the person they were with.

There are people like them who after being commitment phobic for years, go and quickly marry their new partners because they felt they could go into that sort of commitment with them.

Now, it doesn't always have to be the man the one that causes delays in commitment. You may be unadvertedly giving the wrong signals (or settling for less), which make things easier for a man no to commit. There is a book called Why Men Marry Bitches, that presents quite a lot of examples of these "wrong" signals, it is intereseting to read.

How long ago did ypur last relationship finish?