Argument last night, party tonight.

[ChocolateBreakfastBalls]

I'm not one to post threads like this, but then this hasn't ever happened before.

To give background, there's me, DH, 3 DCs from 1-7. DH has recently been promoted and has a particularly stressful situation to manage in new position. He's only been in this position for two weeks and is becoming more and more stressed, which in turn is making him grumpy and miserable.

We are also struggling very much with DS2 bedtime. He's nearly 4, he will not sleep. He stays awake until 9.30/10pm and if we sit with him he doesn't sleep, if we don't he doesn't sleep and messes about, unravelling toilet roll, eating toothpaste, "reading" 100 books and so on. DH is getting very frustrated with this, as am I, and it's causing friction.

Last night I sat with DS from 7.30 bedtime until 9pm when I just couldn't do it anymore and came downstairs for a break. DH is then supposed to take over putting back to bed etc. He did this twice, the second time very angrily (but not nastily) telling DS that enough was enough and he must sleep. The third time he completely lost his cool, threw the books DS had been reading across the room and scared DS a lot. I went up immediately, made DH scarper and settled DS.

I am now absolutely fuming with DH that he behaved that way, and that he's letting work affect home. Now we're supposed to go out to a friends party this evening, everything is arranged, but I really do not want to go and be 'forced' into pretending nothing happened, everything is grand etc. DH won't force this, I will, because nobody wants an arguing couple at their birthday party.

So wwyd? Cancel party and stay home? Cancel party and go out somewhere else to have proper discussions of what happened, how to fix and move forward etc? Go to party anyway, despise every minute and end up with last night being swept under the carpet or, worse, alcohol making me say something stupid? I just don't know what's best.

N.B. talks not possible during the day as DH is working until 6. We're supposed to be leaving home for party at 7 so won't have time this evening either.

We've previously tried:
later bedtime (he is shattered all day, this doesn't help).
'Disappearing chair'
Rapid return
Total ignorance (definitely the worst, leads to bathroom fuck arounds).
Sitting in his room until he sleeps. This worked until very recently and he'd sleep by 8, latest.
Gate on the door, worked until he could open it/climb it.

He does share with his other (non ASD) brother.

DH is out of the house by 7 and doesn't get home until 7 so evenings are our only time. He works most weekends so we don't get them either, days off in the week are inevitably taken up with school runs and such, though we do try and get some time together. DD is always there as she's only 18 months old.

I'd go to the party. Sounds like you both need a release.

My DH has a tendency to bring stress home from work with him. We have had many short whispered conversations with me saying something like "you're acting like an arse. Get a bath, go for a run or something, but just stop with the arsiness".

You sound like you're basically on the same page. Enjoy yourselves tonight and have down time.

I think the gate is going to work. There genuinely doesn't need to be something wrong with your parenting for one to be required.

Some children just do faff around at this age when going to bed. My dd for instance would constantly come to the top of the stairs asking questions that could have been asked earlier in the day or the following day, or just to say she loved me! Cute but annoying. I told her that I would not answer questions after bedtime or discuss things with her until the following day! This was after many weeks of her annoying me.

When the gate went on yes she did play with her teddies etc but it was fine, just a phase. It passed. It wasn't anything I was or wasn't doing during the day. She was just not so ready to wind down and she was getting more curious about the world around her i suppose.

We had a hard time with the older boys (ASD son is with my ex and wasn't here last night, hence didn't refer to him in OP) when they were this age too. They're very good now, I think it got easier once they got to an age where we could bribe enocourage them with "we'll do such and such tomorrow if you go to bed nicely." Apparently 3.9 is not that age. If the gate doesn't work we'll have to just rehome him. Maybe.

Good luck with the gate! Fwiw someone once told me they stacked 2 stair gates on top of each other to get their kid to sleep!!

Enjoy the party later, try and relax both of you. You sound supportive of each other and I hope that you can fix things.

Option c

Phone him, make peace and enjoy the party.

He was wrong. We all make mistakes. You are both tired and stressed. Acknowledge it and find a new plan tomorrow.

2 gates is rather clever! It'd be disaster here though, one or another of the boys would inevitably knock the top one down by accident. One tall one seems better, and wasn't too expensive.
Thank you all very much for your sound advice.

I'd go with spad's option c too - make peace and enjoy the party.

I think your husband is only human and he was at the end of his tether. I wouldn't make a huge deal of it or dissect it.

Go and enjoy a night out.

You do need to sort out the bedtime of course. I found a gate didn't work as mine would scream and whinge even more to get out.

I would go somewhere on route to party for a quick chat about it and decide a new plan for DS bedtime. Then announce that you both need some fun and get a glass of fizz into you. The announcement is kind sounding the gong on the fun time.

I think going to a party when you're ill and your DH is stressed is like the worst idea ever - but then I hate parties and would rather eat nails than go to a fancy dress version.

But you should definitely go out and have some time to the two of you. Cinema and something to eat, maybe? Jurassic World is out :)

Have you tried cd stories? My dd was a nightmare to get to sleep too. We started using cd stories as a way to at least keep her in her bed so she would start to relax. She was around 4 years old then as well. It worked really well, and she still loves listening to them now and she's 11 at the end of the month. Good luck....oh and go to the party, or the cinema, but have some fun time together to recharge and relax.

Pocket are you me? I have, since I posted this morning, cancelled the party and booked tickets to JW and a table for dinner!

Yes it does get easier once they grasp incentives, unfortunately dC2 didn't for ages!

Things will settle down!

I'm a bit confused so I hope this doesn't come across badly..

But if you're having trouble getting your son to sleep and stay in his room, why are you letting a babysitter come round and deal with it??

I know it mustn't have been nice for your son to see your husband react that way but to be brutally honest it does sound as if enough is enough. If I was stressed enough from work, I wouldn't then wanna come home and spend 3 hours pondering to my child trying to coax him into sleeping.

Your son knows that either you or your husband will go and spend time with him in his room if he doesn't sleep straight away. Why would he choose to just sleep when he can mess around and end up with what he wants - you in his room.
Put him to bed at the same time each night and just leave him to it. Put a stairgate up so he can't come down. Put a monitor in so you can hear whether anythings actually wrong (being sick etc), but tell him goodnight and leave him be. Don't go running every time he steps out of bed..

As for tonight I would either go elsewhere and chat about it or just go to the party.

If your son is four he could be starting school in September so starting a plan to get him to sleep would benefit all of you. I'm more tired now than when they were preschoolers and being fed in the night (aged 4, 2 and a baby) so I totally sympathise.

Mine slept better at night if they had a nap in the day and my eldest was still napping when he started school. It was once every ten days or so but he needed it. My youngest slept through the night, aged six months, if he'd had an afternoon walk. Warm bath, dimmed lights, warm milk, story. No going downstairs after going up for a bath, etc. Quiet voices, ignoring all off behaviour, taking back to bed ala super nanny. It is really hard. I really hope you can get something sorted.

One of my ds's was exactly as you describe, could escape any stair gate with little effort even the extra tall ones. In the end we put an alarm on his door so if he opened it it beeped like a smoke detector. He hated it so he stopped opening the door!

I think you need to give him a break. He works (so you don't have to) in a job that apparently caused him a considerable amount of stress then comes home to more stress.. Have a word but appreciate what he does for you and his children.

Actually, Happy he doesn't work "so I don't have to," I stay home with a disabled child and three others, so he can work.

In any case we had a lovely evening and have all apologised to each other and agreed strategies to move on. And DS was a bloody angel for the babysitter, Sod's law.

bed times are often a source of stress. parents tired and the battle of wills can become a trigger. suggest you make bedroom as 'boring' as possible. remove the toys, etc and just leave two or three books and at this time of year it's light enough so no lamp or light needed. Go for the no-compromise approach - if need be sit on the stairs/landing and each time he leaves (or attempts) to leave, sned him back. No has to mean no. You can't be expected to sit with him for hours every night. Get a sticker/reward chart and each night he behaves as you ant him too he gets 5 minutes of a particular one to one treat. Maybe a story with you on sat/sun afternoon, time in the park, nintendo time; whatever fits his and your particular likes. Could be all your kids get £1 pocket money for sat sweets and each night he misbehaves, 10p comes off their balance. Put the money in a glass jar in 10p pieces and make him remove the 10p each night he doesn't stay put. Or opposite, each morning he gets to put 10p in.
Get DH on board and discuss a solution together, it will help reinforce that you are joint parenting and this is a shared problem that you are working together to resolve. Kids are wonders at dividing and conquering and at the moment little one is winning! Hugs. This will pass.

For those of you who offered help and advice with DS's sleep - thank you. I put the newly arrived gate on his door today and he went to sleep within 10 minutes, 3 hours earlier than he's slept in weeks!

He's been off his food and running a temperature all day, and even slept in the day from 1.30-2 which is very, very unlike him. I'm not sure whether to jump for joy or worry that he's coming down with something awful!

Oh no, sounds like he is sickening for something

Still if it helps break his hideous sleep routine that would be at least a blessing!

Good news all round OP. Hope your ds isn't too poorly though.