Husband dropped bombshell

[MumToH]

We have sold our house and found our dream house to move to. I have spoken to a financial advisor about the mortgage and talked to my husband about the options. He rang the bloke yesterday, he told me it was to ask about a deal lasting longer than 2 years but then told me this morning that he has 2 credit cards with total debt of £17K. He said the debt goes back years (our ds is 5) and he's just been paying the minimum amount each month. The advisor told him we could add it to the mortgage and it would increase our payments by £136/month. I really don't know what to do. It's not the first time he's done this - 6 weeks before we got married (9 years ago) I found a credit card statement with a debt of £5K - went mad at him, and organised a loan for us to pay it off. TBH, the debt itself isn't really the issue (altho it's bad enough) it's the fact that he's lied to me and I feel he's betrayed me and ds. I feel under pressure to make a decision straight away as we're in the middle of this house-buying chain. We've been going to Relate where, ironically we've talked about communication issues - I just wonder how long he could have kept this up for? He says he's been worried about it for years, but just couldn't bring himself to tell me. He's been physically sick in the mornings (he says) because of the worry. I don't know if I can ever trust him again, plus I think he needs to take responsibility for sorting this out but I don't know how without us sacrificing the new house. Oh god, I'm just rambling I know but needed to get it off my chest. Any advice?

Thats a difficult one. If you add it to the mortgage you will end up paying a lot of interest over the period of the loan. Can he afford to keep paying them as things stand now?

I think I'd be inclined to agree to it being added to the mortgage, assuming that the interest rate is going to be a lot less, but that he pays extra mortgage payments so it isn't being paid off over a very long period, which would mean paying even more interest over a very long time. Does that make sense?
BUT he needs to understand that he can NEVER have a credit card again as he can't be trusted with money, and you have to have control over all the finances.
The situation was reversed in my case, I ran up a credit card debt of almost £3k on fripperies about 4 years ago. I finally confessed to my dh who cleared it off straight away. I was determined to pay it back so got a second job and paid him every penny within 4 months. Since then I've never had any form of credit. It is horrible worrying that the other person will find out that you're financially crap. Gettting back from holidays, I'd swoop on the post and hide it till I could extract my credit card statement.
Your dh needs a good lecture and you need to take full control, otherwise don't let him put this debt onto the mortgage.

Could you get a flexible mortgage, where he could pay off his debt as quickly as possible, without incurring long-term interest. I would also insist he gets specialist debt / money management counselling.
I would also ensure that you arrange the mortgage in such a way that he cannot increase it or borrow against it without your signature.
And demand that he destroys his credit cards.

I think yes it should be added to the mortgage (if we still go ahead with the house buying). He's able to take a cash option instead of his company car from next month so he's said we can use part of that to pay extra off the mortgage, although we will have to buy a car as well. As far as control of the finances goes, I do all of that anyway (so how has he managed to run up this debt I hear you ask?). Well, he's obviously been quite devious and I don't open his post. A friend has said we should be more open about things, and open each others post. She also said he should see the monthly budget so he knows what's coming in and out each month. The big thing is can I trust him again, as this is the second time he's done it.

Blu - I think that's a good point about counselling. It's like the programme Spendaholics where they analyse the reasons people overspend to make them more aware, which seems to stop them doing it again. Where can that sort of thing be found? Would Relate do that?

RElate might know where to get it - or even CAB, since they must deal with lots of people who have got themselves into uncontrolled debt.

Well, one positive - HE told you about it, you didn't find out by accident which has always been the way I find out about my dh's debt "surprises" . I think that's got to count for something.

I'm reading your replies with interest as we have a similar problem although with much smaller amounts. My dh just buries his head in the sand when it comes to money. When it all comes out he makes unrealistic plans for repayments which inevitably break down so his credit rating is awful - which in a way helps as it limits the credit he can get hold of (and of course affects mine too [amgry]).

We are struggling to find a solution that doesn't involve me completely taking over our finances - I don't want to as Im not the best with money either - but as we're expecting our first child and I'm on maternity leave, I can't see any other way at the moment.

To clarify, I can't see any other way at the moment because I feel particularly vulnerable about our financial situation as we will be relying far more largely on his income since I'm on mat leave.

Probably best to stick it on the mortgage if you are planning to stay with him - did he spend it on anything in particular?

Kama - I think you're right about controlling the finances jointly. DH rarely takes responsibility for things, and I've allowed that to happen which is probably why we're partly in this mess. Zippy - yes, he did tell me about it which was hard for him (he was very upset) but I know he was hoping I'd just find out. He didn't tell me til the last possible minute though - as I would have found out this week when the mortgage app went through. I sympathise with your position - in fact this morning I was consoling myself with thoughts of how it could be worse and being pregnant was one of them (being pregnant itself would be wonderful but I think I would feel powerless).

sorry, MumtoH I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it sounded!

Not harsh - it's the plain truth isn't it?! He says it was stuff like dvd's, christmas presents etc. I've asked to see the statements so I can see how it was spent. I did ask him if it was gambling debts or another woman and he swears not.

I would definitely ask to see the credit cards statements before adding on to the mortgage - if it has been spent on stuff that is not on the family without your knowledge/consent and you divorce you could argue that the debt is his responsibility alone. I wouldn't add to the mortgage until you are clear what the money went on.

I hope it works out

Had a long discussion with a very upset dh today. He was convinced he would come home from work at lunchtime to find his stuff in black bags. Upshot is we are putting the £17K on the mortgage and he has been told in no uncertain terms it must NEVER happen again. We agreed we will do the finances jointly in future. Thanks for the posts everyone

Gosh I think you have made the right decision

I also think that he has forfeited any right to have ANY debit/credit cards and you should open all his post in future

Good luck