I am sick of feeling sad about someone that was never mine.

[wwsb]

Please bear with me, this is pretty long...

I had an amazingly close friendship with a guy, it was obvious there was an attraction between us but I never acted on it because he has a girlfriend. Recently we hung out and stayed up late drinking and had amazing sex. His girlfriend was never brought up and it never really seemed like an issue. For a week after that we were exchanging really intense sexual texts and eventually met up to hook up again. We spent an entire afternoon having sex (this time sober) and everything was fine. The next day I heard nothing from him, which made me feel weird, then the day after I got a text asking how I was. We chatted via text for a while, before I broached the topic of what had happened between us. He simply replied "It would be great if we could do that every now and then" which of course made me feel like crap and I told him so. We've never so much as discussed the fact that he has a girlfriend, or how we feel about what we're doing, it's pretty much just a silent given that we won't tell anyone else. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, to which he got really defensive and we had a huge argument. We managed to smooth things over, or at least I thought we did, until later that evening I messaged him and he completely snubbed me. I left it a few hours and messaged him to tell him that that was disrespectful and he'd never have done that to me before we started sleeping together. He replied straight away to say he felt suffocated; I just felt like his whole attitude was really callous towards me. I've since deleted him from Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram, as well as deleting his number. I felt I needed to purge him from my life in order to find some kind of peace. I got a notification on my phone saying he'd followed me on Instagram, which clearly meant he'd unfollowed me, had a change of heart and re-followed. I messaged him to ask what that was about and all he said was "I'm finding this really awkward and upsetting." We haven't spoken since.

Obviously I feel really used, until that afternoon he'd been hot on my tail, texting me all of the time. When we were friends I couldn't ask for someone nicer in my life, he was always telling me how much loved our friendship and that he was glad he'd met me. I feel betrayed and hurt and I'm so, so sad. I'm not just mourning the loss of my friend, but I also think I might have feelings for this guy. To make matters worse, he seems to have gone into some sort of guilt spiral. I have his girlfriend on Facebook (she added me before any of this stuff ever happened) and since him and I stopped talking everything she posts is then filled with gushing compliments and proclamations of love for her. It makes me feel awful to see and the fact that he's made no effort to reach out to me makes me think he never really cared at all.

What do I do to move on from all of this? I get I've done a horrible thing by being the "other woman" but I just miss my friend more than anything.

This thread has made me question a friendship I have with an attached male friend - with whom nothing has happened but this thread makes me think he might have an agenda. I will be backing way off.

Thanks again, everyone, for your replies; they are helping a lot.

For those chastising me for him having a girlfriend, you aren't telling me anything I don't already know. I just thought it best to be open and honest, so the full story was laid out. I just wanted advice on how to move on from all this, not to be told what a terrible human being I am.

You aren't a terrible human being at all. His responsibility to his gf is his .

All you need to remember , and get better at, is taking responsibility for yourself and not expecting someone else to do that. These days women can choose to have sex on the same basis that men can, you chose to have sex without being clear about the terms. But you can use that to feel less of a victim. You chose to have sex, you enjoyed it at the time. See yourself as strong rather than as someone used . Which is SUCH an old fashioned view, IMO.

Good luck OP.

You knew he wasn't available but you both agreed to sex together anyway? Why on earth do you want someone like that in your life? If you did get together and he left his poor girlfriend, would you be able to trust someone that had treated their partner so shabbily?

I really hope his girlfriend finds out, nobody deserves to be mugged off like this

Ah well- you can't always get what you want.

I hope you learn from this and find a single Man.

You're two female friends will never trust you. You are happy to shag the boyfriend of a friend. I hope you defriended the poor gf of the man you chose several times to cheat on her with, and leave her in peace.

OP Opposite-sex friendships can be very deep and pretty intense even without the sex, and they do often lead to one-night-stands, fwb or long-term romantic relationships. However, the true value of that friendship lies in both parties being able to put their friendship ahead of any desire to be more than just friends if the circumstances are wrong.

If there genuinely was friendship there, then you had an opportunity, after that first drunken shag, to put your friendship ahead of your romantic desire. It's the 21st century and we're a long way on from the idea that sex = intended relationship. Remember that he never offered anything more than what he was willing to give you! All you had to say was "I really like you. I want more than just sex, I wan't you to leave your girlfriend." before doing the deed second time round and he could have told you there and then that wasn't interested (but maybe that's why you didn't ask him?). Perhaps you could have gone back to just being friends.

However, in the long-term its not the end of the world. He doesn't sound like a great person to be either friends with or in a relationship with, so you're best off without him. Lessons in love are the toughest lessons there are, hang in there, put it behind you and promise yourself never to get into this sort of mess again.

That's a very good post from Thequestforunderstanding. We can all sit and say "you shouldn't have done it!" with a cat's bum mouth. But we are none of us perfect. I'm a pretty moral person but in my long sexual life have fallen once or twice prey to things like this. You get enmeshed in love, lust, hope, fantasy and it all twists your morals and good sense a bit awry.

Hopefully, most of the time, those things kick back in again quickly and you realise that this isn't a good state of affairs. In the cold light of day we all know it's wrong/stupid/not good for self-esteem to sleep with someone who is already "taken". But these things happen to the best of us, unless we are clad in the most absolute of moral rectitudes and iron drawers.

No judgement from me unless you've missed out the fact that he's in fact married, they're trying for a family and you're all in your 30s
On the assumption you're in your teens/ early twenties, have a little weep and get on with your life without he sleezeball. Hold your head up and be more demanding and exacting.
I'd have bailed on the whole adventure after the 'fine' afternoon of sex.

I'm with Unicorn. How can you feel used if you chose to have consensual sex? Having sex doesn't me a that someone "belongs" exclusively to you and in any case adults are not possessions, in a healthy relationship anyway.

What an embarrassing post fron Lyingwitch, completely off topic!!
Hope you got some answers and help to move on OP.

Actually, I found LyingWitch's response really helpful. What's not helpful are posts from people condemning me for my actions; I'm pretty sure none you are morally pure and it's not like I can change what happened. I'm not naive enough to think that the way I've behaved is right, I just wanted to get the situation off my chest in an anonymous format and get some advice about the best way to handle the situation and move on. I'm not really sure how "well you are horrible/you shouldn't have done it" responses are going to help, unless you're offering up a time machine? The only thing you're serving to do by saying that is projecting a "holier than thou" attitude, which isn't fair.

FYI, I'm in my mid 20s and he's in his early 30s. There are no ties such as marriage for those of you thinking I'm a home wrecker, although of course that doesn't justify my actions.

No judgement here. We all know it's wrong, and that ultimately you cheat yourself because you get, as Sugar Kane would say, the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

What I remember from a broadly similar situation in my own life was how angry I felt. Pointlessly, sickeningly, stupidly angry. I got a sort of revenge by sort of living well. Use your feelings to live creatively and move away from him.

You are young, and made a mistake ( as lots of us will have done at your age). You want to move on, so here's my advice.

People show you who they are with their actions, not their words. You just have to pay attention.

So that friend who always flatters you and says the right thing, but stands you up, lets you down, isn't there when you need her: NOT a friend.

The guy who gives you all the chat but is simultaneously emotionally, then sexually cheating on his partner: NOT a decent person.

Occasionally some people are true with their words and actions. That's great. Many decent people don't do the words but their actions show they are decent and reliable. That's fine. But all the right words with no action, or actions you don't approve of: BAD.

This guy has shown you who he is. You need to recognise that, and turn your pining into pity. After all, can you imagine how shitty it must be to only be able to form such meaningless relationships with people that allow you to act in this way?

Also, imagine being his girlfriend. He's not a great boyfriend, really.

He's a wanker and you're well rid. You know, I think the best thing is that you found this out so soon, and found out some things about yourself too, and you haven't spent months or even years being the ow. I speak from experience-there's nothing worse than fooling yourself over an attached man for years, wasting your precious time.

You know what you did was stupid and shitty, but I view where you are now as a lucky escape and a lesson learned. Pick yourself up, carry on, and don't do it again.

You sound very young, I'm guessing teens or early 20s?. I'm going to sound like an old bag now, but Please make the most of the opportunities that are out there for you now, have some fun. Relationships can be hard work, even harder with a cheating shit like this guy, you are well rid of him. The hurt you are feeling now will pass. Take it as a lesson learned, keep away from attached men, this experience can help you fine tune your dickhead radar.