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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missing good sex (thread moved from AIBU)

44 replies

Justwondering321 · 12/06/2015 12:48

I moved this from aibu as some posters thought it would be better placed on here.
I've been with my dp for 2 and a half years, talked about possibly getting married next year .. Sex was pretty fantastic in the first 6 months or so but then started to peter out a bit.. I do have a few insecurities but feel these are getting better with time - however I can't help but miss amazing sex , I mean the passionate kissing - can't wait to get clothes off type stuff.. Since I moved in with him sex is quite routine like everything else (sounds bad to say) .
Last night we were watching TV and a sex scene came on.. It was pretty steamy to say the least and I think we both felt awkward ... I ended up storming off upstairs which made me look like a total idiot!! I'm actually dreading him coming home cos I still feel embarrassed :-/ I think I just felt a bit sad in the moment that I'd probably never have that type of sex again. He came upstairs and asked if he'd done anything wrong. I just said I don't like unrealistic romantic stuff on TV and would rather watch something else.
tmi bit, if you'd prefer not to read then stop now
I think what got me the most was that the scene involved a couple having sex in a toilet cubicle (nice eh?) and 6 or so months into us being together he admitted he was once given a bj in a toilet once in a nightclub (nice again eh?) is this a normal thing to relay to your new gf??? And I think it just made me remember the slight hurt and confusion I felt when he told me that. To be honest I wasn't sure how to react..,
Sorry, for the rant and the tmi.
X

OP posts:

lotsofcheese · 12/06/2015 19:10

It sounds almost like he has a "Madonna or Whore" view of women....

Without being cynical, I am not sure it will get any better. If you want to invest in this relationship, by all means give it a shot & ask him to work collaboratively in your relationship.

But I would be seriously reviewing this relationship.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 09:17

Re this squirting lark: it's just another thing to make us feel insecure about. For years it was the vaginal orgasm thing, until it became clear that a lot of women can't come just from PIV sex. I can remember as a young woman feeling really inadequate that I had to touch myself or get the bloke to touch me, during sex, in order to come. Nobody had heard of squirting back then, it's a relatively modern thing.

I think you are either a squirter or you are not. I couldn't squirt if my arse was on fire and I needed to put it out.

I also strongly suspect he's not telling the truth about that. If he only goes for 2 minutes, it doesn't sound like he pays attention to the finer details of female arousal.

In short: it doesn't sound much fun for you.

Joysmum · 13/06/2015 09:21

Oh and re the squirting thing, there has long been debate whether this is orgasm or urine.

Recent studies showed its urine

www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/women-squirting-during-sex-may-actually-be-peeing

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 09:26

Certainly some of the squirting you see on the internet is pee - you can actually see it coming from the urethra.

Melonfool · 13/06/2015 10:33

Men who boast about making women 'squirt' are all about themselves ime. My dp is great in bed and says it's never happened to him. His mate who goes on all the time about all the women he's shagged, what he's done to them, all the women he's going to shag etc, says every woman he has been with has squirted.

It's just rubbish.

I couldn't stay with a guy who shouted at me for trying to discuss things. Have you tried writing it down? I have also found speaking on the phone makes it a bit easier.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 11:14

I've been with a number of women in the last few years, of all ages, and not one of them squirted. One told me in advance that she could not help peeing a bit during sex. I don't think it's half as common as people (men) think.

cleanmyhouse · 13/06/2015 11:32

i couldn't squirt if my arse was on fire and i needed to put it out

I have managed to squirt over the last few years, but it takes a very specific type of stimulation. I know its pee, because where else could that amount if liquid come from but the bladder, but it does feel very different to peeing, and has a completely different smell like a pot noodle

Charley50 · 13/06/2015 11:36

Cleanmyhouse

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 11:59

Pot noodle!

gatewalker · 13/06/2015 15:03

Squirting does come from the urethra, and, no it isn't exclusively pee: it comes from a tube of spongy, erectile tissue that surrounds the entrance to the urethra, which is there to protect the opening during sex, when there's a lot of friction. The theory is that the 'squirt' cleans the urethra out at the moment of orgasm, so reducing the risk of UTIs.

OP - No matter what you might be getting told by some people here, what you are experiencing is not normal. You do not have to put up with shit sex. So many of us do, and we resign ourselves to lives of quiet desperation. You have a right to have passionate sex - and passion changes over the course of a relationship, yes, but it can still be passionate.

But ...

You have to talk. I regularly hear people willing to get naked and fuse body parts with someone, but will they talk about sex? Will they heck! It just doesn't make sense when you look at it.

So talk to your partner. Tell him why you're angry. Tell him what you want. And if you can't talk to him? Ask yourself if he's worth talking to. And if he can't handle what you're saying? Ask yourself if he's worth it, full stop.

No. More. Shit. Sex!

gatewalker · 13/06/2015 15:06

Oh, and btw: your partner didn't "make" that woman squirt. She did that. All by herself.

Original poster

Justwondering321 · 13/06/2015 18:28

Incidentally he mentioned straight after the squirting thing that it felt like "he was being pssed on" and I thought to myself; well then.. You were being peed on... Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just got to me that he came across as the big guy, and it's very common on hook up sites and the like for guys to swear they can make* you do it, and even go so far as to lose interest in you if you claim you cannot do it.
Maybe a topic for the sex thread..
It's funny that someone said that it's a modern thing, I agree - pretty sure it was virtually unheard of say, 30-40 years ago - and probably not seen in porn mags ..

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 18:59

Trust me, it wasn't in porn mags. I used to sneak my brother's magazines into my room (and sneak them back) and there was nothing like that. And no anal as I recall. Men are obsessed with that these days, as well. Why they can't just be happy to get a bit of fanny, I don't know.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/06/2015 19:11

Back to your op, he sounds like a shoddy bf.

I've never had a bf who only would do it for 2 crap minutes once a week and refused to discuss change.

You'd be nuts to marry him.

Cancookdontcook · 13/06/2015 19:40

I would definitely take his stories with a pinch of salt. I had a short relationship recently with a man who made out he was some sort of sex God. He said one partner told him he was the best she ever had. I was so excited by all his promises.

He told me all the women he met wanted sex and expensive meals.

All his stories changed over time until I couldn't believe a word he said.

He couldn't even get it up!

Cancookdontcook · 13/06/2015 19:42

We had a rare morning to ourselves in bed. He took me for breakfast in asda instead.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 20:29

We had a rare morning to ourselves in bed. He took me for breakfast in asda instead.

I shouldn't smile. It sounds like something from an Alan Bennett monologue.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/06/2015 20:30

Or the start of a poem!

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2015 21:50

Perhaps Pam Ayres: the dirty years.

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