Opinions on white lies / lying by omission

[ellabella34]

I've been with my BF just over a year and I've noticed that he sometimes (probably every 2 or 3 months) tells white lies, or lies by omission in situations where I would be honest. The lies are quite trivial and I usually only find out he has been lying because I'm a bit nosy. For example, twice he has said he can't meet me because he has too much work on and later I find out through talking to his work colleagues that wasn't true. Both times this happened after we'd had a disagreement so I think he wants some space but won't say that, whereas if the situation is reversed I'm honest and say I'm not really in the mood today can we rearrange for x.

Another example is as he was leaving my flat one day I phoned him to ask if he could come back to do something for me. He said no because he was already at his car, which was parked some way away. Actually, I say him from my window and he was still in my street probably only a minute away. Again, i would have said I couldn't do the favour because and given an honest reason.

Do others think this low level lying to 'save' someones feelings is ok or not, and should I challenge him on it?

I don't think its ok at all. My most recent ex did this. It turned out he lied in all sorts of manners from omission to having an affair.

I'd be wary of him. Lying comes easily to him, doesn't it? It also means he hasn't the strength of character to just stand up for himself.

As pp post says you have witnessed the lies just rolling off his tongue. Lies in a relationship scare me. Id be cautious.

Red flag. Those aren't little white lies or lies by omission at all, they are bog standard lies to avoid doing things he didn't want to do (for you) or being honest (eg when he didn't want to see you).

The car thing - to me - shows the gulf between what a loving partner would do and what one who doesn't really give much of a shit would do.

To me that's selfishness and meanness

I agree, lies like that, tripping off his tongue? How can you trust him deep down? I'd struggle eventually. To lack confidence in your partner in that respect really does your own self esteem in.

These aren't white lies - they're big selfish ugly ones. A white lie is 'Does my bum look big in this?' 'No darling, you look wonderful.'

So his attitude to truth is basically "I will tell the truth so long as it doesn't inconvenience me in any way, including me having to be emotionally honest."

Doesn't sound promising, honestly.

I have to agree with pp.
The examples that youv'e given show that he finds it easy to lie. These are the lies you've found out about. What else is he keeping hidden, or will do in the future?
Being in a relationship with a liar will make you seriously doubt your own sanity eventually.

Thanks for the replies. You have confirmed what I was beginning to think. I'm pretty laid back so when I've worked out he's lied I let it go as a one-off. However, recently I've realised that I've stopped taking other things he says at face value because I'm now looking for lies.

Being in a relationship with a liar will make you seriously doubt your own sanity eventually.

Yes. This is so true. My H of 9 years did this constantly - lies of omission. From not telling me he has a new phone, or that he is going out tonight.

It really, really messed with my head, please do get out of this sooner rather than later.

The lying because he needed space thing I don't see as anything sinister, but it needs to be fixed by saying if you need space that's perfectly normal and you respect and support that. Him telling you will also help you better understand him which is only a good thing. Him lying means you don't understand him as much as you could have done and makes you mistrustful, even if done with the best intentions.

The lying about being in his car thing isn't great. Why wouldn't he want to? Does he see your request as unfair, was there another reason? Again his lack of honesty deprives you of an oportunity to learn about each other.

The incidents on their own aren't bad as such but for such small things they've quite rightly made you have a huge rethink.

You need to tell him this and explain why, even if you don't think he's deceiving with sinister intent.

The car one = he can't be bothered to do you a favour.
This is bad.
But I don't lie, not even little ones, and apparently that's unusual.

My ex is a liar. He openly says he thinks it is OK to lie if you are saying what the other person wants to hear. Personally I think that is the worst time to lie. I'll never know if when he said "I love you" he meant it, or he thought I wanted to hear it and there is no point discussing it with him because, he'll lie. I now know that for him the truth is what gets him what he wants at that moment.

I am very careful not to lie to my daughter because of him and I have a much lower tolerance for lies generally.

It sounds like your BF lies easily, there maybe other times when you haven't realised.

This is so true.
Being in a relationship with a liar will make you seriously doubt your own sanity eventually.

Thanks Joysmum for your perspective. I asked him about the car thing and he said it was because he didn't want to hang around and get stuck in traffic. When i pointed out that the traffic wouldn't have got bad for another half an hour or so (and I was asking him to do something quick), he said something vague like 'well you know what i'm like'. At the time it didn't seem particularly important so I didn't push it but when I think about it now, I have doubts that the traffic excuse was the truth either.

My ex too. Lied about things he didn't even have to. Then had an afair.
Massive red flag I'm afraid. And even if he doesn't have an affair, you'll still be doubting every word he says. Is that what you want?

avoid this guy, time to move on

if he lies about the small stuff how can you ever trust him on the big stuff?

that said he shouldn't even be lying about the small stuff, that in itself is bad enough and out of order.

my ex is a liar, I ended up with a child with him (unplanned), when I got together I thought he was a different person (our DS is lovely, that said) but I went through a terrible time with him due to the lies he strung out for months and months to the point of extreme distress for me, my child and my mental health seriously suffered.

one small lie led to many large lies and I was left reeling at the end with disbelief!

get out as soon as you can, don't make excuses for his behaviour or let him make them. trust is so important!

There are a couple of interesting TED talks...available on YouTube etc if you search for 'TED talks lying'

I'd walk.

Every time I've dated someone who tells white lies, it's not about the incident itself (and I'm very laid back, so if someone told me they didn't have time to do X or wanted a night alone I'd be fine with that)

it's reflective of a character flaw which shows itself up big time later on.

It's not as innocent or as "little" as it appears: it's like they have some passive-aggressive need, deep down, to goad/manipulate their partner into policing their behaviour and portraying her as the Big Bad Missus who is full of demands and checks up on them all the time? Then they can act all wounded victim.

The liar often is the controlling one - they are obsessed with getting everything their own way - but they want to project that onto their partner and make them "appear" like they are checking up on them?

There is something weird and wrong deep-down, not just "trying to avoid conflict".

Even if the relationship is 75% Ok, the lies and lack of respect will poison the relationship later on.

At best his attitude is immature. Grown up should be able to say they want some space, or they don't want to do someone a favour.

The problem with dishonesty and a lack of trust is that it can spiral so that even when he's telling the truth, you won't believe him.