Am I depressed because my marriage is shit, or is my marriage shit because I am depressed?

[Chickenandegg]

..only it seems to me right now that if I leave, or if I go to the GP, one way or another I could be treating the symptom rather than the cause.

..and in a similar vein, am I being a moody cow because OH is being an arse, or vice versa. Is he drinking because I don't want to have sex with him, or do I not want to have sex with him because he is always pissed?

The thought that formed in my mind tonight and almost came out of my mouth was that whilst him drinking himself to death would solve several problems in one go, I see no reason why the DC should have to see him do it. And yet us splitting would screw them up too.

There are no happy ending options here, are there?

Good luck. I alsofind myself in the same place as you and am hoping ADs will give me some stability and energy to think clearly, just waiting for them to kick in.

I suffered from depression mainly I think from trying to be all things to all people, run a home,work full time, childcare, volunteering all without support. My friends used to marvel at how efficient and organised I was but underneath I was dying. It is so hard to actually come right out and admit to a "mental illness", you've found the courage to do that so you need to congratulate yourself on that.

I avoided ADs but found yoga and Mindfulness really helpful. This book is a good starting place if you think Mindfulness might be for you. www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-Plain-Simple-Oli-Doyle/dp/0980826101

Good luck to you, Welshrarebit - it sounds like you are several steps ahead of me.

Well, I made it to the appointment. GP was lovely, and it was interesting that in a rural community (so everyone knows everyone), she has perceived me as a "coper" - one of the people who gets asked to do stuff because they will. I have also recognised that is how I am seen by lots of people at school as well - FT job, there for the DC, making cakes, sewing, etc etc. I honestly don't think that it would occur to anyone that I go home and cry after the school run and would dearly love to crawl under the duvet and stay there.

...so, I have ADs. I have an increased awareness of how I got myself into this mess, or at least why it wouldn't occur to other people that I have a problem. All I need now is an OH who is talking to me. Literally. He has said less than 20 words to me in the last week. He is waiting for me to crack and ask him what the problem is so that he can tell me how it's all my fault. I am determined not to go there, which is childish but at the same time is the only thing I can do right now. He has also (temporarily, no doubt) stopped drinking.

I wonder how long it will be before I/we get to a point where I will be able to tell him that I am on ADs? I certainly can't tell anyone else in RL, having observed my DM's judginess when she found out that DB was taking them a while back.

Good for you Chicken - you have taken an active step, are now in control and on the path to better things. AD s take at leaf 4 weeks to kick in and then it might take some time to get the right dose for you - so take it easy and manage your expectations. If you also add in the lifestyle changes (sleep, no alcohol, mindfulness, exercise, rest etc) you will be in a good place. It is only after you get this stability that you will get clarity on what needs to change in your marriage and how you really feel. Just read over on the MH thread that people are advised not to make life changing decisions when depressed as judgement and emotions may not be appropriate. Take care - keep posting...

I told him. Because it was bugging me that I hadn't/couldn't.

And his reaction? Nothing. Not a word.

As expected then? Look out for yourself - see if you can go to Al Anon meetings which teach you to emotionally detach and cope with his problem. Get yourself fit and strong - get your ducks in a row - decide what you need and want - communicate it to him with a deadline and consequences and dont waste any more time in this hideous situation.

I thought my relationship was shit because of my depression and that things would get better once I was well. Eventually I became so ill I basically had a breakdown and was on the verge of being hospitalised. In the middle of this I asked my STBXH to leave and give me some space. As soon as he left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Within a week I'd been discharged from the Crisis Team. That was 3 months ago and I haven't looked back. I'm happier and more positive than I have felt in years. I won't pretend it's easy and it's a daunting prospect, but I honestly know it was the right thing to do for me. Good luck.

Thank you all so much.

Can I ask those who have trodden this road themselves - did you take any time off work? I have stuff just mounting up more and more and I find myself entirely unable to face up to the worst of it. How would I even go about it - there is no such concept as a sick note any more, is there?

Unsurprisingly, after the high of having taken myself to the doctors and actually managed to talk about it all before 9am this morning, I am now definitely "down". I want to go to sleep at my desk, but I need to put on a facade of normality for the DC and then get some work done which really won't wait any longer.

Roll on the ADs starting to work. I hope.

First thought here us that your DH might also be depressed, drinking problems can stem from that.

In your shoes I would give him an ultimatum to stop drinking or Leave. Not because it is making you depressed, but because no one can live like that so something needs to change.

If you are genuinely depressed, your judgement and view of everything will be extremely skewed in ways you won't see until you're no longer depressed.

If the depression is situational, it will go when the situation changes. I have known depressed people who felt sure the situation was to blame and left it...only to find the depression followed them.

You can take steps to help yourself. Give DH an intervention. See your GP, eat well, sleep well, get into the outdoors and exercise a lot. When you start to feel a little better the answers will be more clear.

The reason I suggested those things instead of counselling is that depression can also skew that. I know a depressed man who saw a counsellor and said his wife was making him depressed and the counsellor didn't identify that his perspective was skewed by his illness. She supported him in leaving his marriage. He did and became much more depressed. Years later and he still regrets losing his wife. I think most counsellors don't tell you what to do but they help you explore your own mind and feelings...but if a person is depressed I think they need to be NOT depressed before making big decisions

Sorry Op. My phone didn't show me your second page...good job going to the GP

of course you can take sick leave - self certify for first 5 days means that you dont need a Drs note - if longer you need a drs note. give yourself the best chance take a break. depression is exhausting

Having gone through something similar, you've done the right thing by getting treatment. I tried to keep on with work and ended up having to take 6 months off for a nervous breakdown. I went on AD and feel much better and realised that my H is indeed dragging me down.

Other things that will make you fell better is start saying no. Other people have no issue with sucking all your time and energy up.

Start a solid exercise routine if you don't have one already.

Give yourself the time and attention you need to feel better and then you'll be better able to assess your marriage.

Chickenandegg,
As long as your husband puts his relationship with alcohol before his relationship with you, then you will continue to have problems. Your husband is having an affair, but instead of a women, it's a bottle/can.

Sadly you cannot fix him, he has got to want to fix himself. If he can't or won't, then you need to decide if you want to stay or go.

Alcoholics always have a reason to drink and it's always someone else's fault. If they can't take responsibility, then they can't stop.

As others have suggested I would contact AA and get advice. Unfortunately, I can't see much hope here and you may have to leave to save your own sanity.

Oh yes, it's "my fault" - because I told him I don't like him when he's drunk, and he's been drunk too much, so I don't want to have sex with him even when he has been sober for...oooh...a whole day - so it's down to me to start liking him again or say that I won't, in which case the house goes on the market or the children leave their (independent) school so that he can afford a flat and in the meantime he has "no incentive to stay sober" (no, I know, it's not that simple - that is the bitter and twisted version)

I am trying to ignore all this (and, in all honesty, him) right now because I simply cannot deal with it just yet. My focus is solely on me and the DC.

Alcohol is really a cruel mistress and what you are describing is life with an alcoholic. Its never anything really but chaos. Trying to ignore this is an attempt doomed to failure.

Your children will be far more emotionally harmed by you all staying within this than staying with your drunkard H. They see and hear all the rows, all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him.

It is more than just the drinking though isn't it. His drinking has eroded your liking of him which is understandable. I'd write it down for him. I dont like you at the moment because you have a drinking issue that you haven't addressed and you are showing know signs of liking me either as you don't talk to me, and I am also having depression issues of my own, and not getting support from you. I don't want to talk about sex again until we have these two things more or less cracked. Sex is something you do with someone you like and enjoy spending time with. When that is rebuilt, it will come naturally. Our aim should be to get ourselves well and happy, then we can be happy together. I want to help you if you want to help yourself. I am trying to get myself back on track using the antidepressants and exercise.

Living with an alcoholic messes with anyone's head.

You taking ads isn't a solution, only a plaster.

If you are worried about DCs school can you speak to the bursar about their policy for fees when income drops under these circs, some schools are quite good about waiving fees in special circumstances so as not to interrupt DCs education esp if they are at exam stage.

It's never, ever simple.

I know I am being an Ostrich. I know there is probably no good outcome here. I also know that the extent of the disruption to everyone of us splitting up cannot be overstated. It would mean everything changing. We are more or less equal income earners, but there is no way that I could continue in my current job as a LP. It's just not possible. The role involves frequent and unpredictable international travel. No amount of shared residency or childcare could cover it - it only just works with us living together, and close to my parents. Neither could I move to another role in the same organisation unless we moved. A long way. Which would leave me without any extended family support. So - house, job, schools, family - all of it would go/change. That's a huge and incredibly scary prospect. Hence head firmly stuck in sand.

Focus on getting you better first - then it will all become clear what needs to be done - you are being confused/overwhelmed by the logistics in your depressed state.

What disruption is there already in your home for you and your DCs due to the drink issue? His drink problem is robbing your kids of two parents as his drinking is causing your depression.

How is this likley to deteriorate over time if nothing changes?

How old are your DC? If they are not aware now of the drink issue - they will soon see it 24/7 and that will devastate and disrupt them much more than him moving out.

Could you take this separation in smaller steps ? Could he move out temporarily to family or friends or cheap flat to rent nearby - maybe to give him space to sort himself out for 6 months - so you all get some respite. If nothing improves then you look at separating longer term.

Does he do his share of co-parenting now? If so why would or should this change if you separated? Would he deliberately not cooperate with you? Couls you get an aupair to support you working if he doesnt?

The big issue whether you stay together or separate is his drink problem - only he can fix it - but you and your children have to cope with it - take a look at the resources here - they have online meetings now...

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/