Should i tell his wife?

[thedarkforest]

Hello, this is my first time posting.
Sorry its late, I am shaking whilst typing this.

I very recently discovered that the man I have been seeing is still with his wife. He told me they were divorced, and that they divorced due to her infidelity which resulted in her getting pregnant!! I feel so stupid because I believed every word he has said to me for the last year and a half.
I haven't even confronted him about it yet. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her? If it was me I would want to know. What do I even say???

[FastWindow]

Sounds like a real catch... Sorry op. Guessing you dont have any children yet? Maybe a quick escape might be the best thing, your fingers are burnt but you'll know the next time.
Hard times :(

[thedarkforest]

I'm texting him now like everything is normal arranging to meet up so I can confront him.
I saw him earlier before he went to work. I wish I'd have known then!
I thought he was so lovely and genuine :( Clearly I'm an idiot.

I don't know what to do. I feel numb.
I'm torn between; wanting to tell her the truth, not wanting to ruin their lives, not wanting him to hate me for telling her, thinking I might be wrong and I'll look stupid, and being scared if I'm wrong at losing him for nothing.

Oh and thank you everyone for your messages. I was terrified to post on here because I thought I'd been torn to shreds for being the "OW", albeit unknowingly.

[AcrossthePond55]

Frankly, I'd just block him & go NC. What good is going to come from confronting him? What can he possibly say that would make you feel better? He'll either lie about it or get angry with you for 'snooping' on him (I'm not saying you were snooping, just that that's the easiest way for him to 'deflect' your anger & turn it around on you). I'm sure he isn't going to admit how he's deceived you and apologize. I'd also consider the items he has as a loss if there isn't anything of particular sentimental or monetary value. An alternative would be sending a message saying 'never contact me again' and then sending someone else to pick your things up.

As far as telling his wife, I'd want to know if it was me. She can either choose to ignore it or act on it. Just do it in a discreet way so she can deal with it in privacy.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm torn between; wanting to tell her the truth, not wanting to ruin their lives, not wanting him to hate me for telling her, thinking I might be wrong and I'll look stupid, and being scared if I'm wrong at losing him for nothing.

I just noticed this statement. Do you think you could be wrong or is it wishful thinking? A woman's 'spidey-sense' is usually pretty good for these sorts of things. Consider who, how, or where you found this out. You must be 100% sure before you tell his wife.

[PushingThru]

I don't know why you're even considering telling his wife before confronting him with the truth of what you know. Do you think telling his wife will lead to her dumping him & he'll commit to you by default? I don't think you should tell his wife at all. I think you should break up with him & move on.

[Atenco]

Another one who would want to know if I were his wife.

This is awful for you, OP, but the only consolation that I can offer you is that this particular quirk (and it does sound psychopathic, though I am no psychologist) is quite rare and you are unlikely to fall victim to this type of evil git ever again.

[thedarkforest]

I will talk to him first. And no I am not stupid enough to tell her that for that reason! I know that if I told his wife he would be so angry he would never speak to me again. And I wouldn't want him anyway if I'm right. Why would I want a disgusting psychopathic cheater?
I want to tell her so she knows the truth about who she is married to. If I was her I would rather know.

[wingsflyby]

I would probably bin and move to to be honest! Focus on yourself, OP.

[Jux]

He'll lie to you though, and twist everything, and contort himself to explain away whatever your proof is. Be careful you don't end up believing him. He's had lots of practice on his wife.

[Jux]

Practise. Sorry.

[desertmum]

but if he is married it doesn't matter if he never speaks to you again because he is a lying cheating scrote and who wants to speak with someone like that anyway?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, getting yourself all revved up as Mighty Warrior for Marital Fidelity might seem appealing, but it won't end well. It never does. If the bloke's partner was your sister or a close friend and you were a witness to his wick-dipping rather than a participant it just might make your sisterly bond stronger (after a year or two of her, however unfairly, blaming you and not him) but mostly it makes a woman look like either a dimwit or a vicious self-righteous bitch. It's far, far better to walk away and put the whole tiresome business out of your mind.

[MissPronounced]

I would want to know, and you've said yourself that you'd want to know too, if you were her. So she should be told the truth, in my opinion, whether it's by you or him.

Do you have plenty of 'proof' should she need/wish to see any?

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Empower her by giving her the choice to decide for herself whether she wants to devote any more of her life to this man.
^ this
Please do tell her.
Good luck and sorry he's done this to you both, such a shitty human being