Scruffy daughter

[sweetpop]

My 12 year old daughter will not look after herself at all, she won't comb or brush her hair and screams at the top of her voice like a 2 year old when I do it, she won't bath unless I really really go on at her and even then she has a bath twice a week max. She refuses to get a shower as she doesnt like the water going in her face and when I pointed out to her that she was starting to smell she told me she would get a strip wash, I watched her through the crack of the door and she put a sponge under the water, dabbed a bit of soap on and wiped it on her face once on each side, once under each arm pit and once over her privates, all with the same bit of water, soap and sponge. I was fuming. She often goes to school with her hair messy and greasy, her teeth are going all yellow and she is horribly spotty but won't use anything for it. She is even getting spots on her privates and groin area.

Surely this can't be normal?

I would be inclined to see if there is an underlying reason for this behaviour. Has she received unwanted attention from someone she's trying to discourage? Is she being bullied? Is it something all her friends are doing?

Perhaps you could arrange to speak to her teacher - if it is as bad as you say they must have noticed.

12 is an awkward age - not a teenager and not a child. The body is undergoing massive changes and so is social development.

Hope you are able to help her soon ()

Don't know if it's normal, but I'm afraid I would not allow this. Get physical if you must, but I would insist that she has a bath at least every other day - especially if she's getting spotty. Also, if her periods have started she will have to have better personal hygiene.

Sorry - not sure how you would go about this, but I think I would probably run a bath (especially if she doesn't like the shower) and then just dump her in it!

Have you got a partner who can help? Is this a power struggle between the two of you, perhaps?

I think your behaviour towards her is not helping at all. Spying on her in the bathroom is appalling. You didnt need to do that to know that she hadnt washed properly. She's obviously suffering from a severe lack of confidence, probably doesnt have too many friends, may well be self conscious of her body or frightened at the changes that are happening etc. Nagging her and spying on her are not going to help at all. You need to get to the bottom of why she is deliberately making herself unattractive and give her confidence a boost. There may be some deep rooted emotional problem that needs addressing before she is able to feel good about herself.

SP I don't think it is anything sinister. my 11YO is similar but has responded to gentle coaxing- so not on the same scale as your dd. I think they are all abit like this at this age. It is about growing up. They need to start taking responsibilty for themselves , but at the same time want to cling onto being looked after. she probably has an idea of what she is meant to be doing,but doesn't want/can't be bothered to do it.
I let dd buy any bubbe bath/ deoderant she wants and have taught her how to use the washing machine. In other words i have put her in charge
and it seems to be working.

Self esteem is a really big issue at this age. Make it fun. Take her to a Lush shop or look on their website. Their products are very tempting, especially to young people. here
Give them a ring and ask them to send you a copy of Lush Times

I think you need to sit down with her and talk sensibly to her about it

arm yourself with information about personal hygiene beforehand

treat her like someone in control of her own body but express your concern and try to ask why she has an issue with it .. she sounds uncomfortable in her own skin and puberty can be a terrible time of confusion

have an end result in mind. Your end result should be an agreement that she will bathe / wash / shower daily

then take her to Lush .. sounds like fun

Hi sweetpop.... it's pretty normal tbh. Repost your OP on the teenage thread and see what answers you get!

Agree with others that you need to discuss what's giong on rather than telling her off (easier said than done!).

I think you need to deal with it asap as, unfortunately, someone at school may start commenting on her appearance etc, which could make things 10 times worse for her self-esteem.

Good luck!

I bought her some perfume from the body shop and she doesnt use it, she is not interested in clothes so it's not as if I can bribe her with a new outfit, her bedroom stinks too .

Sweetop - as for her bedroom here I would actually step in and remind her that the room is part of an overall house - which her habits are affecting.

But strongly agree with everyone else tackling problem head on and talking to her about things. Ground her in necessary until she talks to you like an adult about it. I would'nt involve a partner or her dad at this stage though because is she is feeling self concicous being made aware that there are others who are aware of the situation may do more harm than good.

Sweetpop.. is she the same DD you wrote the long post about on the teenage thread?

Take her swimming? Then at least she will be immersed in water for some time.