Help me to discuss this with my friend?

[Fernando2826]

My friend has just told me the story of his last breakup, which still affects him to some extent. As such I want to ask for advice on what to tell him, so that I might help.

His ex and he were together for 6 months, breaking up in October due to university.

Apparently they were incredibly intense, a complete infatuation it seems - she talked about the strength of her feelings often, said that she wanted to spend her life with him, that they were soulmates and that she could see their lives, children, home etc. She also wrote these things in a diary according to a friend who has seen it so seemed to believe it to the case.

They decided to try and stay together at distance when both heading off to uni. Within 2 weeks, however, she had stopped texting him, despite having sent messages along the lines of "I need you in my life", "I miss your mind, body and soul" etc.

He was concerned so organised to visit, driving all the way from Exeter to London to see her. On the night he was travelling she cancelled, although didn't actually let him know - turns out she was in another guy's bed - she says nothing happened and he believes her, based upon tone of voice etc, but I personally think SOMETHING must have happened even if they didn't sleep together.

Her apology amounted to a single "I'm sorry", before sending another text to ask him to go to her house (they live in the same area) and pick up items from her parents, despite having done whatever with this guy the night before.

He then drove all that way to find her distracted and teary. She apparently spent a lot of the time avoiding conversation to text this other guy. He says it seems as though she was not thinking about how he felt at all, or about how to treat the breakup properly to show any measure of caring. They broke up that evening when they returned to her accommodation - she apparently got very teary and made him promise that they could leave the door open to reunion in the future, saying she wished she had met him at another time in her life. However, she got out of bed at one point to text this other guy/her new uni friends, even whilst he was still there.

Now I find myself wondering - as I understand it, relationships at distance quite often fall to pieces, particularly in an environment like uni. Now this girl has a history of promiscuity and cheated on her last bf when he went travelling for 3 months, when they had planned to be together, because she "feel out of love with him". She also engages in risky behaviour - drugs etc. She also sounds as though she was very immature, not emotionally rounded, or else she surely should have been able to empathise with him more? Should he still be sad about having lost this one? Or was she just an immature girl who got caught up in the first few weeks of uni and just fell out of lust with her bf? Then didn't know how to handle it - in terms of the breakup etc? So basically, does it reflect on her as a person, or is it just bright lights of london, immaturity etc?

Would really appreciate your help! I adore this guy...

Cheating is a mistake but it's not as though she knocked over a drink - it takes thought, planning, multiple decisions.

Not necessarily.

And with what has just been revealed I think there very likely is another interesting side to this story.

It doesn't matter why she did it. Some people are dicks. Move on.

I don't think anyone is invested enough in it to be upset, tbh. I wouldn't worry about that. It is irritating when people attempt to spin something or manipulate, that's all.

I think you'll find people have been honest. Generally it's only OPs with an agenda that lie to strangers on the internet the rest of us just answer according to how we see it.

I mean this kindly, and as a woman of a great many more years on the clock! you need to move on.

You describe yourself then as the tortured, troubled deep type. Stop that at once. it's honestly not attractive. It isn't to blame for your ex shagging someone else (and honestly, if you think she didn't, then petal, you can add gullible to your self description)

Did she behave well - no. She didn't. What you describe is a cruel way to treat someone.

But a 6 month relationship between two kids that ended 5 months ago should not have you beating your chest about it all this time on. While there is no timescale for getting over it, this is true, it honestly is better for your emotional health to not wallow in tortured troubled deep misery.

You are only a few years older than my kids, and I know it's tough at your age, but when you look back on this with a few more years on your clock and wrinkles on your face, you will see it for what it really was.

meant to say, I've done the whole crying in my bedroom, playing Our Song and wailing about our True Love that nobody ever felt the like of and will never come again and how nobody understands me...

This too will pass. It does. I promise.

I suppose the reason I believed her was her staunch denial that anything happened and my personal expectations - I know that I would never treat someone in that way, so fail to empathise with those who do.

Haha, not attractive perhaps, but accurate - 11 years of major depression and 3 suicide attempts registers in my mind as troubled. This never influenced my relationship though.

Kids perhaps - she is 21, I am slightly older. Even my 18 year old friends would never behave like this though..

Cheats ALWAYS minimise. Rule no 1. It's how they live with themselves.

[Post edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

I think that your description if yourself from "Interested Friend's" perspective paints you as a bit of a drama llama.

Also, it's a bit shitty to deceive people who answer in good faith.

I'm sorry, and i appreciate the good faith, and all of your answers. I was simply interested in seeing whether it would be a different response. I'm sorry if I seem unappreciative, I'm really not - it's the reason I come to this website.

I know that I would never treat someone in that way, so fail to empathise with those who do.

Hmn. Voice of inexperience there. Perhaps you just haven't been tempted enough?

11 years of major depression and 3 suicide attempts registers in my mind as troubled. This never influenced my relationship though.

Er, I expect it probably did, just not in ways that you registered at the time.
Try to be kinder and less judging (including of yourself). Stop expecting strangers on MN to be able to tell you Why She Did It. We don't know, you don't know, maybe even she doesn't know.

Can someone pm me what I missed last night please?

I get what you are interested in, I get why you come to the forum, I'm asking you to have a bit of thought for everyone else.