The Good One (aka the Golden Child)

[black5heep]

I had a situation recently that I am struggling to get my head around, and I’d appreciate help in understanding what happened from others who’ve lived in malfunctioning families.

It is so long, I’ll put in the next post.

I truly think she was jealous of the new dynamics between you and your mother and tried to put you back in your place.

I'm so pleased you stood up to her.

She was sad at the prospect of not seeing you again or was she just playing the victim? Trying to get you to feel sorry for her even though she was in the wrong? Hmmm does that sound like your mother..........

Sometimes it just isn't worth the stress and the role of the golden child isn't always nice either. You've got to tow the line, do what the parent wants, likes and prefers. Not doing so can see you out of the picture wondering what the hell you did wrong.

She used to hit you until age 30?

Wrong. Illegal and no thank you.

You are well rid.

Hi OP. I'm not from a toxic family, but I was to some extent the golden child while I was growing up. Not because my parents deliberately tried to put us in those roles, but I was just the kind of child who finds everything smooth and easy (things like friendships and schoolwork) while my brother walked a more difficult path. Not nearly as damaging as the dynamic you experienced, but still tricky in its own way, with jealousy issues and me feeling like I always have to 'be fine'. As adults, we are both close to our parents, but we are not close to each other at all (although perfectly polite and friendly when we do meet up).

Anyway, I just wanted to give you my perspective (speaking as a golden child of sorts) on your second question:

2. Why was my sister upset at the thought of not seeing me again, given that we barely see each other anyway (we live hundreds of miles apart) and she's always treated me like someone she strongly disapproves of. She's slightly younger than me and has frequently said that she deliberately made certain life choices because she didn't want to be like me.

I barely see my brother (a phone call on birthdays, plus family occasions organised by our parents) but I would be very upset if he told me he didn't want to speak to me again. Remember your sister doesn't really believe she's done anything wrong. She genuinely sees you as the one who's always in the wrong. As others have said, these childhood impressions are incredibly difficult to shake free from. Similarly, I have made different life choices to my brother (as a trivial example, I deliberately chose not to do any of the same A level subjects that he had chosen) and said as much - and I think that's quite normal between competitive siblings?

Not sure if that helps at all! for you

My lovely dh is the scapegoat in his family, my BIL the golden child.

I think dh has suffered tremendously at the hands of his fucking deranged mother but in his way, so has BIL.

He's a pathetic mummy's boy who can't hold down a real relationship without his mother causing chaos.

Sadly, and not unusually, dh's entire family are complicit in mistreating dh.

They're terrified of mil, I think.

You're well out of it. I know it hurts. It hurts dh. But it's your mother's problem not yours. And in a way, it's better for you. I can't imagine the GC ever really breaks away.

I was the scapegoat and my younger sister was, and still is although she wouldn't admit it, the golden child. One example is that when I won the art prize at school, aged about 9, my mother dragged me and my sister, who was about 7, to the head's office after the prizegiving ceremony and told the head, in front of us both, that she'd given the prize to the wrong child. Cue driving home with me in the back seat with the awful prize, and my mother and my younger sister sitting up front seething about me. As though I'd done it deliberately. My sister you see, was the 'arty one'. I was the 'academic one' but had upset the apple cart. This is just one example.

I also know that the only way to escape the abuse is to do just that, escape. Which means giving up contact with them. Which is not easy, when you probably love them just a bit too.

I feel for you, because I too am stuck in this mire.

Scapegoats feel the flames and do something about it. The Golden Child gets drawn further and further into the quicksand.

They have always been told that they are the best, the cleverest, and the all round favourite - who wants to find out that all that praise and was simply fulfilling someone else's fantasy?

Deep down, many Golden Children are deeply insecure. Your sister doesn't want you to make your own relationship with your mum, and she doesn't want you to detach from her. She needs things to stay as they were.

Going through something similar myself and its hideous.

I'm the Golden Child and hate it. It really isn't a barrel of laughs. Imbroglio is right with her flame and quicksand analogy - my sister managed to escape years ago whilst I'm still struggling.

Part of my problem has been that my DM is scared of my sister so whenever she did anything wrong (in my DM's view) I was the one who got the lecture. Not wanting any more rows I lived by the rules, probably to my detriment.

And now, my sister has a far closer relationship with my DM, though I doubt either of them realise. I'm told, frequently, that I'm not allowed to have problems, as my mother gets too deeply involved in my sisters' and has no time for mine. As a consequence she has no idea what happens to me, huge things have happened about which she has no idea.

As for us being all together, it's not going to happen. My sister gets away with being a complete bitch to me because my mother is so scared of pulling her up on it. If I dare react (I'm talking tears, nowt else) my DM tells me I'm not actually upset - there's no room in the family for me to have emotions at all.

So, as I say, it's not fun being the Golden Child.

I'm with spanky - your sister needs you to keep accepting your role so that she can keep being golden. They baited you - not necessary consciously - but they colluded (again?) and I really feel for you. In theory, the golden child lacks an accurate image of themselves. On some level they know this - that they are phoney - and they are trapped by this and feel horribly jealous. But my sister is somehow the golden child and I don't feel much empathy for her as she has milked it to the max. OP you have the measure of them. Glad you have support and back up :-)

Just a note to Rabbit. I was the scapegoat and my mother went on about being scared of me. No reason for it at all. It is a total narcissist thing to do -they get loads of attention by it - and get to talk about themselves even more and get sympathy for having to deal with such a difficult person. And gte away with what you describe too.

Inbroglio said it beautifully!

1. Why my sister felt the need to stir things up again, after two years of peace. It was the first time we've all been together in three years, so she hadn't been part of the peace. Didn't she like it?

Perhaps my reading of the situation is generous, but it sounds to me like your sister has been pondering the difference in the way you were both treated, after years of denial. Perhaps her bringing it up is part of this process: she's considering the notion that you were both treated differently, and that this is part of the family system - which it is. And family systems are fixed in toxic families: she wasn't wrong about that.

Do you think she meant that they should stay fixed?

2. Why was my sister upset at the thought of not seeing me again, given that we barely see each other anyway (we live hundreds of miles apart) and she's always treated me like someone she strongly disapproves of. She's slightly younger than me and has frequently said that she deliberately made certain life choices because she didn't want to be like me.

Again, my reading of the situation may be generous, but who wouldn't be hurt by their sister dangling the prospect of cutting off ties? It's quite a harsh thing to be presented with.
Maybe she loves you and is trying her best, OP, even if she hasn't yet reached a level that is to your satisfaction.

3. What will happen now?

Well that depends on all of you. But it sounds from your posts that you still have a lot to work through before you reach your own peace and acceptance. As does your sister. So neither of you are in a stable enough place to build a different and sufficiently strong foundation for a new family dynamic. But you may well get there, or get to somewhere better than now, at least. I do hope you can both become each other's allies, with some patience and goodwill on both sides.

And your mother is unlikely to change, so wrt her it will be a matter of learning how to better cope with her behaviour towards you.

That's weird about the 'scared' thing.

My brother told me once that people are scared of me. I've never seen anything to suggest that myself. I think its his way of making out I'm a crazy and he's a lovely golden person.

Mumfun and Imbroglio - unfortunately, in our case, my mum really is scared of my sister, and it actually took her a long time to admit it (other people could see it long before she could).

She's not scared of physical violence, but she is scared of saying the wrong thing and my sister not talking to her for months on end. Or of my sister throwing a tantrum over something small / not getting her own way. For example, at my first graduation my sister tantrumed over not being in the middle of the official photographs, and having dinner at a restaurant of my choice rather than hers. She's already had two graduations, so it was not as though this was something she had missed out on. There's no way my mother would have said anything to her about either of these, which was why my BIL was invited.

The scared thing seems common.

MIL tells anyone who will listen that she's scared of dh. He's the gentlest of men. It's truly bizarre.

When my sister said that our roles were fixed, she was smiling. I think her exact words were "We all have our roles within the family and nothing will ever change them." All said with a (cold) smile on her face.

TBH It wound me up a bit, coming as it did after the attempt humiliate me in front of near-strangers the day before.

I seriously doubt DM is scared of me. My sister is definitely not scared of me. I don't think she is scared of anyone.

The last time Mum hit me, I think I was about 28 or 29. By then I had my own car, my flat, a good salary and my career was well established and going well. All of my new life was now a flight away. Also, my Dad was dead by then.

I'd gone back to visit for the weekend - something that always made me nervous because you just never knew whether it would be awful or ok.

Mum had got angry about something (I think I hadn't shown appropriate concern when she had not separated the laundry and managed to dye it pink with a new red jumper.) Actually, I think I had rolled my eyes because she had ruined a lot of my stuff this way when I'd lived there and we'd fought about it at the time.
So, she was shouting and ranting at me. She then started to hit me. I decided to go home early. I went upstairs and grabbed my bag and she waited by the front door so that she could throw me out. I came down the stairs and tried to go out the front door and Mum started hitting me with something as I tried to go past. I think it was some sort of wet sheet.
Something snapped in me. She'd been hitting me since I was a baby and I'd had enough. I grabbed it out of her hand and threw it away. Then I stood glaring into her eyes. I was thinking that if she hit me again, then I would definitely hit her back. She started to cower. Suddenly, she was an older woman about to be attacked by this ungrateful wretch.
My brothers came and grabbed me and hauled me back into the kitchen. They were shouting something about how dare I threaten Mum (and yes, they'd seen her hitting me minutes earlier, plus she hit them too until they reached a similar point years later).

Anyway, that was the last time she ever tried to hurt me physically - although she managed it with her words many other times.

Sometimes abusive parents just say things that hurt. You can never be sure if they are true or not.

I was told that the family home was always a much happier place after I left and that my bedroom was given to my brother before I'd reached the bedsit I moved into when I first left. No one missed me, I was told. they were just glad I was gone and there was more space.

I was told that I was the cause of most of the arguments between my parents growing up and that Mum had been forced to defend me from Dad wanting to throw me out. I never saw any evidence for that, but Dad was more easy going, but only up to a point. So, maybe it was true.

I was told that when my Dad was dying he'd told Mum how upset he was about how I was living. I was only told that after he was dead though and it strongly contradicted my last conversation with him. So, it think that was a nasty, hurtful lie.

Then there's the ridiculous twisting of facts to fit a very warped picture.

When i was a teenager, Mum used to accuse me of deliberately learning a bigger vocabulary so that I could use words that she wouldn't know.

It wasn't possible, was it, that I was just doing well at school and I liked reading? Actually, I was always killing myself to obey the rules so of course i kept my head down at school and tried my best with all the work.

In the end, I developed a habit of thinking what I wanted to say and then re-phrasing it into simpler words before I said them to her. She still complained at me about it, but I always thought to myself that if only she knew that what i was actually doing was dumbing down for her, not deliberately choosing big words as she thought.

If Mum thought that i did not respect her, then she'd have been right but only because of how she behaved.

Imho, your sister panicked at the thought of you having private time with your mother. My sister used to engineer family time to the point I actually said that I did not need her permission to see df (dm had passed).

You are an easy target for your sister, (and your mother for that matter). If you detach, then she will have to find a new target...not convenient for her. Sorry, she is using you for her emotional needs, you are her supply (your mother's too for that matter). If/when your mother passes on, I predict your sister will pick up the flag and carry on in mother's shoes...She will declare herself matriarch and treat you the same as before (if not worse).

Your sister has had her brain hardwired to treat you this way since childhood. It would take a serious epiphany on her part, along with courage, honesty and humility to see that she is the problem in the dynamic, let alone actually change her own behavior. I would not bet on this happening.

The previous time of detachment was a period of peace for you. That was real, and the reality of the circumstances.

Telling you lies on your father's passing is just vile and nasty behavior towards you. At some point, perhaps it happened at this latest weekend insult festival, you might reach an "enough is enough" point. The physical distance is a blessing. I know it is harder to create emotional distance, but you are well on your way.

You are right, the physical distance is a blessing (as is caller display!).

Looking back, I was an emotional wreck when I was in my late teens. Even after I left home - when i was 21 - I still took years to begin to calm down enough to be able to see the wood for the trees.

The day I stopped Mum hitting me was an epiphany and the day she apologised was a blessed relief.

I don't know if I said it upthread or not, but my sister and I feel out a couple of years ago because Mum had me in her sights at that time. She was running some nasty whispering campaign against me - I can't remember what it was about, just that it was my turn again. I knew my sister had heard what she'd be saying and I happened to be visiting my sister the following week. I wanted to talk about it. Really I wanted my sister to say she knew it was not true what Mum was saying.

She refused to speak to me about it (maybe some of you will think its understandable). I felt like she had witnessed me being attacked and had refused to help me. I was asking very little, only that she say she knew it was an unfounded lie, but she wouldn't even do that for me. Since then, I've been keeping my distance from her anyway, and its not like she was making any effort to call me, so we rarely speak.

I guess she did not know that things had improved between me and Mum until she heard about the planned weekend away. So, she called me up and asked if she could come to. Then she wrecked it.

And then she looked very hurt when i (calmly) told her that I nearly went NC with the family many times over the last three decades and I wasn't sure why I hadn't as it would have made sense. I told her that she either dropped the "blacksheep is the wild one" routine forever, starting now, or she'd cease to be my sister. I said I didn't want to lose her, but I am more unwilling to dragged back into living that lie again. So, its her choice.

I have read the parent encouraging the scapegoat dynamic in the family often sees in the child everything they hate about themselves.

The ganging up that follows isn't always perceived by outsiders. What I found shocking was that it is sometimes casually explained away to, for example, someone dating or marrying into the family, and the incomer accepts this is how things are, and goes along with it. Pack instinct?

Both my brother and I thought each other was the Golden Child. When we talked as adults we realised my mother just played one of us against each other. When he was in favour, I wasn't and vice versa, so in fact we were both victims. We live in different countries but had an amicable relationship as adults - until she died (father died years before).

My brother turned on me in a horribly shocking way over nothing, accused me of being just like our mother (knowing how much that would hurt). I tried to understand and stay connected but in end I had to go NC. A friend of mine said "He's pissing on your leg, divorce him"!! Lovely turn of phrase.

Well done for telling your sister that you won't carry on like this - but be prepared. She might not be able to stop. I'm sure you have other people in your life who like and respect you, you don't need her.

DM had a horrible childhood. She did not even have a family. She was criticised at every turn, with failure forecast for her and displeasure whenever she achieved something. Her existence was clearly marked as a nuisance and the best thing he could do is not bother people. Its easy to see why she is damaged.

My childhood was much better. I had somewhere that I belonged. I maybe wasn't wanted, but at least I belonged. Apart from the hitting - which was not completely unheard of at that time but just less common than in my family - I think I had a reasonable childhood until I was about 12. That was the age that DM had also been ejected from her family.

For some reason that I don't know, DM just took a strong dislike to me when I was about 12. However, when Dsis reached that age, she just became more prized. The older we got, the worse it got. I can see why Dsis would not want to be in my shoes. What I simply cannot understand is how she could witness all that she did and not be able to see that something was wrong, and it wasn't with me.

If she was too young at the time, then what about when she became a mother herself? I know when my children were born, I revisited what had happened in my mind and was shocked. How could someone do that to their children? Yet, my sister is doing it to her own child now.

MisguidedAngel "When he was in favour, I wasn't and vice versa"

OMG That's it! That's why Dsis came and wrecked my relationship with DM again. These last two years, it has been fine but DM never lets her life be peaceful. If she lets up on one of us, then someone else has fall out of favour. I bet Dsis has been getting a turn at the sharp end.

When I think about DM has complained about her in the last year or so. I've just ignored it because DM always complains about something, but the more I think about it, there have been a LOT of complaints about Dsis.

Moreover, DB told me in January that I am being highly praised at the moment. Again, i thought nothing of it - I assumed DM was just playing one of us off against each other as she's always done, and DB and I have spent far too long on the wrong side of that to fall for it. But Dsis hasn't.

The thought of Dsis losing her can-do-no-wrong lifelong status hadn't even occurred to me. I've barely spoken to Dsis for three years and I pay no attention when DM is critical (because I know her judgement is not good).

God, that has really cheered me up! I might even apologise to DM about telling her to shup up and see if I can't arrange to have Dsis left out in the cold a while longer. (I know this is not a healthy response!).

black5sheep you might want to have a look at the Stately Homes thread and the first long post on there - it's got a LOT of good resources.

The more you write the more I think you handled your sister well in saying that you'd be willing to walk away. Imo you need to mean it, too.

to quote again from perfectstorm:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

I meant it.

I wouldn't make it a big theatrical, upsetting thing. I'd just get on with my life and put her out of my mind. We are in touch so little these days, that if I avoid a couple of phone calls a year and forget to send birthday and Christmas cards then that would be enough to make it effective.

ye, that sounds a good way to do it. No drama. And (if you keep contact with your mother, as you mention) then never ever go away with the two of them again!