Is full disclosure after a affair necessary to be able to move on?

[onlyif]

I am 8 years on from affair, dh refused to disclose all of the details which I needed at the time to clear my head.
We have since had counselling, as he has done some really stupid things this year, nothing major I must add but stuff that you dont do when you are married as it hurts the wife, this has put me back to a horrible place as I cant trust him again, I thought we were past this, so many years have past but I feel like I am no further forward, I am forever stuck on that day I that I found out he had cheated. I wish I had left long ago.
Its not been helpful having counciling as dh sat there and said he wouldn't disclose the details of affair as he was frightened how I would react if I knew the truth! I have tried so many times to get the details of the extent of just how much he betrayed me.

Is it too late now to make him tell me? the reason I need to know is that I cant take anymore its making me ill. I have lost any trust in him but I have lost all respect for him now too.
He has also said that he will do something stupid if I leave!
He says he doesn't understand why the two incidents have upset me so much an can not see what he has done wrong. Which in itself doesn't give me any hope at all that anything is going to change.
His answer to this is that its up to me to monitor his behaviour! I refuse to do that for the rest of my life with him..thats just madness isn't it?

Donkey I dont see the 3rd part as suggesting that having an affair is the the way to invigorate a marriage -- but it is suggesting that there is an opportunity to salvage, recover and re-build something better. The best outcome is of course that marriages in the doldrums get fixed and invigorated before they collapse.

It depends how full and what details, I suppose? If you feel like you need to know then you need to know. He messed up not you. I think you are within your rights to be told whatever makes you feel more comofrtable and able to move past this (if that is what you want).

I don't have anyone in rl to talk to, I would be too embarrassed to admit to the stuff I have put up with. Im supposedly a strong woman, if only they knew.
The stuff he has done this year would probably make most people leave, I have become worn down by it all. I've become the person I never thought I would be.

What has he done? Would it help to off load here to get perspective?