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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so sad

12 replies

operaha · 08/06/2015 14:53

I found out at the weekend that my partner of two years hid a huge huge debt from me the whole time. He lied about it too as he had plenty of chances to tell me...
Anyway, I can't deal with that right now, I've asked him to leave - today I had an appointment about breast pain and they found a "mass" and now I have to have a biopsy and I'm so scared, I'm young-ish , well ok I'm 35 but my whole life is falling down and I don't know what to do Sad
And of course I still love him, but that's all going to have to wait....
just want someone to cheer me up and tell me it'll be ok.

OP posts:
yourcoatisred · 08/06/2015 14:55

Hope you are ok, OP. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

What do you think you want to do about the debt, could you forgive it? Have you told your partner about the doctor's appointment?

Hugs xx

Original poster
operaha · 08/06/2015 14:58

Yes I've got plenty of support including a breast cancer survivor friend who is a rock.
I don't know. It's the lies, the fact that this was our whole relationship....the fact that I asked him many times if there was anything financial I had to worry about...
he took me to my appointment today as I didn't want to drive but when I found out what was what I lost it with him - until Saturday I knew I had him by my side and now I don't know how I can ever forgive him.... It's such a mess

OP posts:
yourcoatisred · 08/06/2015 15:08

Oh that is such a horrible situation, I hope you are ok, OP.

All I can think is that perhaps he was embarrassed, though if you had blunt conversations with him and he lied outright, I can see that is very hard. Has he been very very apologetic? Is he truly sorry do you think?

What is the next step for you re doctors? This must seem so overwhelming - have a cup of tea or perhaps go for a walk to clear your head?

Thinking of you, OP xx

Original poster
operaha · 08/06/2015 15:11

he's devastated, he didn't hide it to hurt me, he just got very lost. He's going to book a counselling session because he really needs to. He's so wonderful, my perfect man, except he wasn't because I had no idea about any of what was going on. God that sounds pathetic.

I have the biopsy tomorrow. I'm terrified.

OP posts:
yourcoatisred · 08/06/2015 15:23

Oh OP, that is so hard for you.

I don't have any experience of this, but one of my closest friends does. He didn't lie to her, exactly (though is my mind he did!), but he was reluctant to talk about it openly and he hid a lot from her. I think you can move past it as he is obviously willing to do better by you. This can't be on your mind at the moment, though. You need to think about you.

What will you do tonight, are you able to be with friends or family? xx

Original poster
operaha · 08/06/2015 15:27

I have a friend here since yesterday and for tonight so we're just off shopping and will cook a nice dinner so that will be ok. dreading tomorrow night and onwards, we had such a lovely life, a nice gym, dinner, tv, bed routine. simple and boring but ours. He's gone and fucking ruined every memory we've had.
It's only been 2 days but I hate waking up alone. I might take the dog to bed with meSad

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 08/06/2015 15:52

< hugs > for you, honey, and a restorative Wine

Your fears may prove unfounded, but if you have to wait for the results of the biopsy do join the Tamoxigang thread on the General Health board as the lovely inspirational women there are expert handholders and will sit on the worry box with you.

As for your perfect man... nobody's perfect but discovering that he's been lying through his teeth couldn't have come at a worse time for you. Chalk it up to sod's law and cuddle up with the dog at night - you can analyse/agonise over him at a later date but, for the moment, your health and wellbeing comes first

Good luck for tomorrow - I'll be thinking of you and hoping all goes well.

elizalovelacey · 08/06/2015 15:53

Sorry you are having health issues at the moment but please do not lose the fact that your partner LIED to you, he cannot be trusted so hes not the man you thought he was. I wasted many years with a man who lied about finanical matters to me...it never got better,only worse.Look after yourself. Hope you will be feeling better soon.

Vintagebeads · 08/06/2015 15:58

I really hope all goes well with your appointment.Thanks

As for your dp, he has obviously fucked up and is sorry. For me it would be forgivable in time.
Yes he lied and yes he should have owed up,but its not something I would end an otherwise happy relationship over.

LovesPeace · 08/06/2015 16:06

My partner lied about money, I found out when we put an offer on a house.
I stayed with him, supported him, took promotion with a free house so he could use the rent money to pay off his debts.
Because that's what loving partners do - they support and help each other in times of need.
And what liars do is lie - and so he lied his way through the rest of the relationship, until I caught him cheating and kicked him out.

If they lie about one thing, they'll lie about the rest - get rid.

Hope you are ok, though - thinking of you.

Original poster
operaha · 08/06/2015 17:17

I'm not making any decisions on our relationship until the results. It is very easy to comment on someone's partner when you don't know them. being the partner of him is very different. I bloody adore him so it's not a simple case really. He's doing loads to try and fix things.

but anyway, health first, I'm so so scared.

OP posts:
stephf72 · 08/06/2015 17:50

Hi OP,

I hope all goes well with your appointment and enjoy time with your friend tonight.

I lied to my partner about money and had to confess when we were about to put an offer on a house. It was and is v complicated as I lost my job due to an undiagnosed (at the time) illness called TMAU. I was wholly ashamed and frightened that he would leave me as so many our of friends partners are "high flyers" and I felt like a total loser. I also thought in time I would get another job and he would never know. Sadly that never happened.
I feel so ashamed of what I did and so foolish for not trusting in his love. If you can forgive him, and your relationship is great in every other way please try but you need to know why he did it and why he couldnt tell you.

Sadly we skirted around the issue for a long time, pretending we were ok, but we werent. Then in January he told me he was in love with another woman in his office, and since then has been unutterably cruel. I have asked him to leave but he is still at home - and most of this seems to stem from the resentment he has built up towards me and a desire to punish.

Please dont let this happen to you.

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