This isn't normal/healthy is it? (or is it?!!!)

[choccycornflakecakes]

Recently started seeing someone I've been in a relationship with previously. We split up because of various pressures/circumstances at the time.

He likes to be in contact every day with a call/text as its a LDR. I fell asleep pretty much after doing DC's bedtime last night so didn't respond obviously to texts/calls. He stropped. Not the first time he's done this; he says he feels like I'm ignoring him (which he hates).
This isn't healthy is it? there's more to the history and don't wan't to drip feed, but I think it would be helpful if I could analyse whether this in itself is not quite right IYSWIM.
Thanks

Whatever it sounds like, the healthy thing for the OP to also do is engage in some self-reflection. I think some of her behaviour was inconsiderate. Perhaps there is more to all of this but the two examples she sited, it struck me that the OP could have shown more consideration.

You didn't send one goodnight text, he had a strop. You explained and he text back 'told you I'm not playing games anymore. That'll be it then'??!!

Fuck, that's not normal. FGS don't try to appease the twat.

BTW: Normal is - him: Text: Im guessing you're asleep alright/Night darling/Speak tmrw/miss you. Next morning - you: Sorry about last night, honey, I was exhausted. him: Thought so...How you doing today...

newrule I don't know how to express how strongly I disagree with you. You honestly think it is the OP's fault that her BF is throwing his toys out of the pram?

How is it inconsiderate to drop off to sleep? She said she didn't mean to sleep through.

As for him getting the arse because she hadn't informed him advance who was giving her a lift to work? Really? Why is that such vital information that he needs to know?

Start pandering to these ridiculous demands and before you turn round, you are having every tiny detail of your life controlled.

I'll end up apologising and promising not to do it (ignore him) again

This is your problem.

You have nothing to apologise for, nor were you ignoring him, nor can you promise you won't do it again.

NewRule, I'm sorry, but if you think she should reflect over not sending a text message, then I'd consider you take some reflection time on your own relationship and consider why you feel you should be held at fault for falling asleep.

The OP States she's only recently started seeing him. I've been seeing my DP for 6 months and even now, if I don't have plans to see him for an evening and am working that night, I wouldn't inform him beforehand. When he texts asking how my day is going, I'd probably say I'm dreading my late meeting tonight. Work is work. She wasn't on a night out.

He sounds massively insecure. Becoming controlling and needy as defense mechanism is not acceptable, as you get treated badly in the process.

If he can't manage his own insecurity, he is not good partner material. Or he will eternally be making his feelings your fault.

I'd be done. He's insecure and controlling. He has 'trust issues' surrounding your life (i.e. male colleagues). He's manipulative (pulling a strop to get you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong). Quite a recipe for abuse, heartache, and disaster, I'd say.

BTW, there's no way someone can 'mean' to sleep through. It's just something that happens when you're exhausted and it's completely normal.

I don't think this is at all normal.

Daily goodnight texts and a strop if you don't - is he 14? All very teenage angsty.

Getting annoyed because you worked one evening and got a lift from a male colleague. You are only dating. I couldn't stand a relationship where I was expected to account for my every minute we weren't together. It's different if you live together and are going to be late home, you don't, it's really not his business what you do when you aren't doing anything together that evening. Not that it's secret, but you don't need his approval or permission or to inform him specially. And for the male colleague, yuk, jealousy/controlling/distrust is really not attractive to me.

All too controlling, angsty and claustrophobic for me. How about you?

Token thanks for your advice. Suggest you look to your own issues. I gave my opinion against the normal LTB and the usual controlling, bullying words than thrown about. The advice was aim at the OP. She is free to take it or leave it.

Is it that only one type of advice is welcome here? In the OP's posts I sense some inconsiderate behaviour. Yes, that is my opinion. You think it says something about my relationship? Very strange. I guess my relationship can only be honkey dorey if I said LTB, he is controlling, etc? LOL!

Thanks to you all again for your posts; it's incredibly helpful rather than having to debate this all in my head by myself!

My first thought was that his behaviour is a little teenage and insecure.
Had it not been that we get on incredibly well when together and have great chemistry, I most likely would have ended things when the first strop happened. That said, getting on well and chemistry aren't enough...

Thanks - Fingers and toes crossed thumb witches the right one does appear at some point

I've been given some excellent advice on here of which I'm grateful. And actually, pretty much in line with my gut, which is reassuring.
On reflection newrule I don't think I was being inconsiderate, just on occassion 1) tired and on 2) was caught up with work (particularly important to me as I'm the only earner in the family). So I choose not to take your advice, but thank you anyway.

No newrule it is not that only one type of advice is acceptable here, but it does make sense to see beyond what you perceive to be the OP's fault to the man's response, which is, in this case (and many others) indicative of problems.

I also really don't think you read the OP properly if you think that she was being inconsiderate by accidentally falling asleep, that's just frankly bizarre.

Hardly crime of the century not to respond to one text. His response was out of proportion and you're best off out of this relationship before all this escalates, as you've now realised. Don't respond when he does make contact.

Thumb, I read the OP's post and gave my opinion on the matter. You wish for me to have the same view as you? I did not read her post properly? It makes sense to see beyond my perception of the OP's faults?

Are you for real?

Just to make clear (in case it isn't clear enough), I stand by my views on the matter and make no apology that it goes against the rest of the opinions expressed here.

Can you explain please, newrule why you think the OP was inconsiderate when she dropped off to sleep?

Yes, I'm "for real" but clearly you aren't, newrule, because if you can stop yourself accidentally falling asleep in the name of consideration then you must be really Special.

Not just a bit teenagery - it's the thin end of the wedge. He's controlling, jealous and bad tempered. Move on!!

I'm pretty confused about why the OP's behaviour was inconsiderate. I couldn't count on 35 hands the number of times I've crashed out after getting the kids to bed. The other example about getting a lift to work from a male colleague - why is that information that has to be shared any more than if it was a female collegue.

OP i had similar from my DP.

He went out with his friends for the night and then text me and said 'I'm in Red Bar. It's quite busy here tonight'.

I was on the landline phone to my brother, so I didn't realise I had a message, and I went to bed.

He got home at 3am and slept till 11am.

When he woke up the first thing he did was stormed downstairs and in front of the children aggressively demanded to know why I hadn't answered his text. I said I didn't have my phone with me (I didn't say I was on the phone with my brother as he would not have liked that).

He got angrier and didn't believe me. He said, aggressively again, that I always have my phone with me, I'm always glued to it, and he didn't believe me.

I had to calm him down by changing the subject.

This is the same scenario I can imagine you would end up in a few years down the line. Please do take this seriously.

My ex turned into an emotional abuser. He started off very much like this. getting a strop on if I failed to respond immediately to phone calls. Always threatening to end it if I didnt tow the line.
If I mentioned a male work colleague in passing I would get an interrogation. If I failed to mention a male colleague I was accused of having something to hide.
I ended up walking on eggshells. To scared to talk about my normal day in case he read something into it. Constantly modifying my behaviour to try and reduce his fits of jealousy.
I was stupid. I intially put his behaviour down to his insecurities (caused by his ex running off with his best mate, incidentally she never did, thats just what he told me at the time). I thought as long as I didnt do anything to break his trust it would get better, it never did. it was never about a lack of trust, it was about controlling my behaviour, so I was always on the back foot.

I would be very very wary of getting involved with anyone who tried to control my behaviour by stropping and sulking.

What does he truly think of you if his first reaction is to be angry?

If DH were away and I didn't hear from him before bed I'd certainly be disappointed and sad. But I would not immediately jump to the worst possible interpretation. I'd send him a text saying I expected he'd fallen asleep or something and to please ring me in the morning. He would be the same.

That your DP had a strop, together with the reaction to getting a lift from a male colleague (such an ordinary situation) suggests to me that he quite probably doesn't have a good enough view of you to make a relationship a good idea. Given his behaviour I wouldn't have a very good view of him.

Plus, being checked up on, told off, chucked and then summarily reinstated? Stupid teenage drama that will make you unhappy, not happy.

For starters, OP could simply have told her partner that she is tired and point out that if they continued chatting she might very well doze off.

Thank God we still live in a country where one is free (I think) to express their opinion even though it does not gel with the majority.

namechanger2015 I hope you are taking steps to get out of that situation

"'told you I'm not playing games anymore. That'll be it then"

A strange number of men on dating sites say things like "I don't play games, if you do, I'm outta here". I don't know exactly what they mean, or think they mean, but I read it as "run away now". It shows that they think in terms of games, not normal human interaction.

When a partner doesn't text me, I think "argh, I hope he's OK" or "oh he's probably gone to the pub" or "I bet he's dozed off". I don't think "He's playing games, I need to throw a strop". It's just bizarre.

Yes, dump this knobber. Also ignore Newrule, who is either a MRA loser or a troll of some sort - s/he/It spends quite a bit of time trying to insist that women should always prioritize obeying and placating men.

LOL @ the Solid thing. Do I really? You lot are hilarious.