to block out memories?

[brusselsproutwarning]

I don't know how to start this ,even naming this thread is hard, haven't come up with a title yet and I've started writing the thread. I find this very difficult to write about almost impossible to talk about.
Its my sister. I struggled even to type that word ,I dont feel strong enough to fully try to explain my relationship with her. She was a terrible older sister. Bullied, physical and emotional.I was so scared of her. Still feel like I loose my breath ,my heart beats faster ,cold sweat whenever I hear her name let alone see her! Ridiculous I know ,I'm close to 40 and she still seems to terrify me. I'm nc since before Christmas. My problem is I seem to find it impossible or very difficult to remember most of the times she's hurt me or a family member. There's been loads.I know that.but its as if my mind tries to block them out. Why is this?has anyone else experienced this? I know she has done awful things as another person might say oh do you remember when she..xyz and then I'll remember but if I had to come up with something by myself I'd struggle. I sometimes wish I could remember as I'd go to a councillor but at this rate I wouldn't be able to give many examples.

I just feel like a fake sometimes when I can't remember an incident even a recent one.

Yes, it's very common for our minds to simply shut down on traumatic memories - it's a coping method, to stop us becoming so full of fear that we put ourselves in physical danger.

Well done on NC. As this goes on and you start to relax a little bit, you may find some of the memories come back.

But you don't need to remember every little horrible thing she did to know that she abused you and has continued to abuse you. Your physical and emotional reaction to her presence are sufficient evidence that she made your life hell.

You may find the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward useful - although it speaks primarily about toxic parenting, the failure of parents to stop one child from bullying another (or even to encourage it) is abusive in itself.

Thank you pocketsaviour,I haven't looked at toxic yet but I have looked up Fog,and found it helpful as I was able to put a name to her behavior/personality ,as I found it very upsetting to think that a ”normal” person would act like this.
I will look up toxic ,although I know my dparents had and still have it bad with her. They put up with an awful lot from her,I know it upsets them that we aren't one big happy family but they don't seem to question it anymore. I do think we were treated differently when we were younger but I don't blame my parents really, she would have a terrible rage, anger that would scare anyone, so to keep the peace I guess they gave into her more?