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Relationships

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Original poster

Do I leave? Help :(

22 replies

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 17:36

Hi all. Long time lurker, first time poster.

DH and I have been together for 8 years. He has a DD from previous marriage and we have 3 other kids.

Things have gone from bad to worse lately. We seem to argue over the tiniest of things for no real reason. But there's some big things too.

We moved to a new neighbourhood with good schools so all of our kids could attend school together (they're at different schools right now). DH decided that his DD was going to a school outside of the area (at her request). Wouldn't even listen to my point of view or the fact that my kids would now end up in the same (poor) school.

Cue FIL coming to my house and having a screaming shit fit at me (unprovoked I would add) about me not wanting to send the kids to that school (they want the kids near to them).

Told DH - his reaction was that he didn't want to rock the boat with his parents because I was "baying for blood". Total lack of support.

Since then, I make plans - he rearranges them and I just have to live with it. I'm the breadwinner in the house doing 12 hour days but I still end up looking after the kids all weekend and doing the majority of the cooking and housework. I raised that I was doing too much and he kicked off saying "don't tell me I do fuck all". I barely see him on weekends because he's so busy with his x box.

However he still finds the time to take his DD halfway across the country at his ex wife's request on the same week he let me down with picking the kids up from school. I had to leave work early and lose pay to cover it because he was too busy in a meeting he didn't want to rearrange.

Feeling taken for granted and like my views don't matter. He just carries on like everything's fine.

Dreading a messy divorce - we have so many tied up finances that it would just be a nightmare and the kids would be torn apart. Just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

mrstweefromtweesville · 07/06/2015 17:40

Just a minute - what is he for?
Sounds to me as if a 'messy divorce' might be a price worth paying to be rid of him. See a solicitor tomorrow and get the job underway.

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 17:42

I'm the breadwinner in the house doing 12 hour days but I still end up looking after the kids all weekend and doing the majority of the cooking and housework. I raised that I was doing too much and he kicked off saying "don't tell me I do fuck all". I barely see him on weekends because he's so busy with his x box.

You cannot stay married to a man like that, so I would get planning for divorce. Get good legal advice, the financials may not be so difficult to disentangle as all that.

MythicalKings · 07/06/2015 17:42

Get rid. He isn't going to get any better.

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 17:43

I'm a solicitor myself so I know how messy divorce can be.

He never used to be like this though - I wish I knew what had changed. It's really upsetting because our relationship was great until a year ago.

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 07/06/2015 17:44

sounds like hell on earth. I'd rather eat crap than put up with everything you do.

Leafitout · 07/06/2015 17:44

Sounds like he brings nothing positive to the table and lacks respect and boundries. Put plans into place finanancially and put you and the kids first. You can do without his controlling shit attitude

QuiteLikely5 · 07/06/2015 17:45

X box all weekend? Total man child.

Bluestocking · 07/06/2015 17:48

It sounds horrific. And it also sounds as though he may be jerking your chain to see just how much you are willing to put up with - maybe because he doesn't actually want to be with you any more but doesn't have the balls to tell you.
Your life, and your kids' lives, will be so much better once this useless bag of skin and spite is out of your house.

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 17:49

So what happened a year ago? Is he working?

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 17:50

What was your relationship like before it nosedived? Did he used to pull his weight?

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 17:54

Yes he's working, but he works locally whereas I have a 30 mile commute so I am out of the house for 2 hours a day more than him.

He did used to pull his weight yes - he did a lot of the cooking and housework and in fact he did EVERYTHING for his ex wife (or so he says). Now it just seems like he can't be bothered!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 17:59

I would take what he says he did for his ex with a pinch of salt. It's more concerning that he used to pull his weight with you and stopped.

Sounds like he's tuned out of the marriage. Is it possible there could be another woman on the scene somewhere? Not necessarily an affair...

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 18:01

Yes it's possible - I probably would check his phone if I could but I don't know the password!

Doesn't help that ive had anxiety/depression for the last year - he has no idea. Aside from once having a go at me for not paying him enough attention!!

Ironic? :)

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 07/06/2015 18:03

The man you are currently married to is not one you can stay with.

However, I'm intrigued as to what might have changed in the past year. Was he truly respectful and shared the load equally for the previous 7 years?

If he really was, what happened a year ago? Any kind of significant life event (bereavement, job loss,...)? Start of an affair?

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 18:05

Ironic - yeah!

I'm not surprised you've got anxiety/depression with all that going on. You're basically way over-stretched.

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 18:10

I think a year ago was when the school/FIL arguments were happening for a sustained period which is probably what damaged the relationship.... But it doesn't explain why he's suddenly so negative and why we end up arguing on a weekly basis!

He will buy flowers in lieu of having an actual conversation about it... Probably the lack of communication doesn't help...

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 18:20

If this appalling behaviour has only been a year, perhaps there's a smidgeon of hope that an ultimatum might bring him to his senses.

Generally that kind of pattern of inequality in a relationship is a constant, that's what I assumed from the OP.

The issue with FIL is quite odd, why's he involved? Your husband's not supporting you is totally unacceptable.

I would throw out the xbox btw, but then I'm wicked like that.

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 18:32

That's what I'm wondering but by the same token, he's had ultimatums before, changed for a few weeks and then gone straight back to his old ways! So frustrating.

I would love to chuck the x box out but the kids would never forgive me!

I don't even know how to approach this conversation - he probably has no idea anything is wrong and I'll end up getting accused of not letting things go and raking up past arguments...

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 18:33

Oh and FIL is involved because they are our childcare providers. FIL told me that if we didn't send them to the school he wanted that he wouldn't look after the kids anymore. Lovely.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 18:49

If you've done ultimatums already, then you're back to the initial advice. What else can you do?

Given the previous ultimatums he surely must have some idea something's wrong, unless he's living in cuckoo land.

When he realises you're serious about leaving he might make more of a squeak to pull himself together, but he's obviously not going to stick at it.

FIL sounds nice. What a great family eh?

pocketsaviour · 07/06/2015 20:48

His dad sounds like a cunt, which he's probably been trying to bury for years, and now you've kicked the top off the wound (quite rightly) and he doesn't know what to do, so he's taking it out on you because it's too emotionally painful to accept he's got an abusive parent.

That would be my reading of the situation.

Do you think he would consider counselling for the two of you?

Original poster

MummyLaura83 · 07/06/2015 20:57

Strangely enough he had a blazing row with his dad a few weeks back for sticking his oar in with the kids - no mention of sticking up for me though.

Re counselling: maybe - but I guess ive always thought that if a relationship is so bad it needs counselling that there's really no point trying to salvage it.

OP posts:

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