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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I completely over the top, irrational, demanding and needy?

35 replies

excitedbutscared · 06/06/2015 23:58

Ok, So I've posted on here a few times before so sorry if you're tired of reading my posts but just find it so helpful to air things and hear what people have to say

I feel like a kid being needy and clingy and moaning about things that may or may not bother other people. The problem is the little things really do hurt and upset me and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't think it's this man in particular. Although I am actually quite confident and outgoing, as soon as I get close to someone, I get very paranoid, insecure in the relationship and needy - and I'm ruining things for myself

I was in tears a moment ago - because my DP is playing on the playstation and not picking up my call or replying to my text

We don't live together and we're going away together on Monday for 10 days so I have spent tonight at home to get things sorted before we go away. We have discovered a great game on the playstation that I said instead of seeing each other tonight, we could play online together at about 10.30pm when I've finished what I need to do. He said yes

So, 10.30pm, I can see from him online status on playstation that he's playing the game, so I text him and ask if he still wants to play together. No reply. Half an hour later I called him. Didn't answer, or call back. He's still playing it now

I know the whole thing sounds ridiculous and childish, but I'm so upset!! Not that he's playing it, but that we were supposed to play it together and he's completely ignoring me!

I always feel like I'm the one initiating conversation when we're not together. He just seems to be perfectly happy just being completely separate from me during the week and then together with me at the weekends, whereas I want to feel part of his life all the time. Not that I don't do things without him because I do..

How can I get his attention about this and not seem like I'm nagging or being clingy? I feel like as soon as I say something that's exactly what i would be doing and having been on the other end of this before, I know that it would put me off even more!

More imminently, should I send him a text message now and just say 'I take that as a no then! Goodnight' - or just ignore him back.

I need to find a way to deal with the whole thing in general, but am so upset and hurt that he's just ignoring me tonight

OP posts:

deplorabelle · 07/06/2015 09:06

OP are you me? I am a pretty well balanced friendly sort with a very healthy marriage but I've spent a good portion of this week crying quiet tears of anguish over unanswered texts from a friend (she's special and I adore her but she can be very crap at answering her texts. I know this isn't out of character for her yet I still lost it - just on my own, wd never say anything to her). I don't have any answers just to say you're not alone!

And as for your DP not answering his phone when he normally would? Well he could have dropped it down the loo or run battery flat or lost it in the house or anything surely?

I think it's normal to have slight nutty blindspots about things and relationships occasionally. And not all relationships are easy in all respects. You have to decide what you really want and need and if he can give you that (and if he might be able to, surely it's worth asking?)

deplorabelle · 07/06/2015 09:06

And as for your DP not answering his phone when he normally would? Well he could have dropped it down the loo or run battery flat or lost it in the house or anything surely?

comedancing · 07/06/2015 09:10

Didn't you say ye were going away together for ten days which sounds really nice and positive so it's a shame you are wasting so much energy on this just before ye go. As you already have dc lm wondering did you have a very bad experience with their dad which has come back to haunt you now. I would look into some counselling and through that you could unpick your own insecurity and if your dp is being fair or not. I notice with my ds.. Much younger..when guys get on those dam play stations they lose all sense of time and place. Don't ruin your lovely holiday plans by gerontology big drama this morning. The Holiday will tell a lot as ye have that time together.

Original poster

excitedbutscared · 07/06/2015 10:18

Glad I'm not the only one who probably over thinks and takes things so personally. I know I shouldn't - but can't help it! I feel so much better this morning

comedancing I think I probably should look into counselling. I have no idea what type or where to start to look for it! What makes a good counsellor?

You might have a point re past relationship. I was very young when I married and had children with my ex-DH. (18) and he had an affair with my best friend (who was also his brother's wife!) whilst I was pregnant with my 2nd DC when I was 21. I was devastated and felt betrayed by both my DH and my friend. It was like a double whammy! They are still together now and have had children together but I still feel the hurt and pain I went through. I do have trust issues and am afraid of being abandoned and rejected again. It's weird because since then, I've had one major relationship of 10 years and a shorter more casual one, but both of them were with people who I did not chase and to be frank, wasn't particularly happy with as they didn't fulfil my needs in many ways - but I felt they would never leave me and that's why I stayed with them. With my current man, I have always felt he is the best of the best and was very afraid of letting him close in case I get hurt - because I want him more than I have wanted anyone else and feel vulnerable because of it

I could be so happy - but it's making me so sad

OP posts:

BlueMoonRoses · 07/06/2015 10:32

Hiya. Try reading The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters before you think about counselling. It'll help you look at yourself, your underlying beliefs, values and assumptions. At the very least it'll help you access what you need to if you do go to counselling. Oh, and I think everyone is a bit crazy, just take the time to work out what sort of crazy you are and whether you can live with his form of crazy too.

BlueMoonRoses · 07/06/2015 10:35

Sorry, should have added, really interested to see the words you have used in your op title. Can you reframe that into positive labels? And I'm sorry about what happened to you with your exH. Rotten.

givemehopehelpmecope · 07/06/2015 11:00

Hi OP
I've got to say reading your post almost made me cry with relief that I'm not the only person who is like this! I too always over analyse situations to the nth degree, giving every possible scenario & thinking, "which one will it be?". I have impossibly high expectations of people, and as far as men are concerned they just always fail to meet them. Like you said i too think "well if he's got his phone why has he not contacted me? He obviously doesn't feel the same about me as i do about him". Every bloody day! I wind myself up, get myself upset etc. I hate being like this.
For example my P was out last night & i checked my phone several times in the night. I didn't hear from him (still haven't!- we don't live together). Now I'm convinced he doesn't like me, has met someone else etc. Which IS rubbish, but i will be torturing myself all day...
i totally understand how you feel, got no practical advice sadly... Just want you to know you aren't the only one!

Melonfool · 07/06/2015 11:37

Hmm, I see the online game as a 'date', especially as you don't see each other in the week, and him not answering as you bring stood up.
So taking all the gaming put of it, he's stood you up.

Yes his phone may have fallen down the loo (it hasn't though) but he could have sent you an online message. opened Skype, fb, MSN, anything....maybe the game even has messaging within it.

I'd not expect to be stood up by a long term bf who is 42. If my dp did that I'd be steaming!

Yes, I get where you're coming from re over thinking, I do it too, but it is surely a symptom of insecurities on your relationship. If the relationship is to continue you need to explain your emotional needs re contact and reliability. If he cannot meet those needs so you feel secure then this isn't the right relationship for you.

wheresthebeach · 07/06/2015 12:11

You've made plans and he's ignoring them and ignoring you.

Why is that okay?

Doesn't matter what the plans are you should be treated with common courtesy.

I don't think you should get too upset but you should be clear that ignoring you, and plans the two of you make isn't on.

Nobody should be stood up. It's rude.

Twinklestein · 07/06/2015 12:59

You've posted about this relationship before, and I always have the same impression, which is that your partner is only partially committed.

You see him at weekends, yet you only live an hour away from each other. It takes an hour to cross London. Partners living in north and south Lonodn don't consider themselves to be in long distance relationships.

He texts daily, he says all the right things, you have a nice time when you're together.. And yet.. you're not properly fully together.

That is the root of your insecurities, no doubt originally triggered by the horrific betrayal by your husband and friend.

The structure of this relationship is working for him but not for you. This setup would suit some women really well but it doesn't suit you, and that's ok. It's making feel like you're needy when really you just want a more integrated relationship.

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