Hi all.
I don't really know what I'm expecting to gain from this thread. I know it is irrational, and I know that I'll be told that I should have done what I did. I know that. I suppose I'm asking if what I did and my feelings are normal?
I had a relationship for a year when I was 19. I loved him with every fibre of my being. I loved him so intensely, I thought he was the one. He was gorgeous - a big, masculine hairy chested rugby player who was just as mad about me and I was him.
Great you'd think - but it wasn't. He was emotionally and physically abusive. I had been manipulated into thinking I was his property. If I did something he didn't like, he'd hurt me. I wore a dress he didn't approve of, and he stopped talking to me for a week, and had be beg forgiveness. I didn't give him enough attention on a night out, and he threw a table at me.
12 months in, and I was on antidepressants and hating every day, but loving him just as passionately. I felt I had no purpose in life, and that I was rightfully his property. Then I snapped. I had sex with someone else when blind drunk. Next morning, I didn't beg forgiveness. I phoned him and told him what I'd done. We never spoke again.
It was an overwhelming sense of relief. I got better. Was single for 5 years, and met my wonderful DH. Life has been glorious for us. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Up until last night, I hadn't thought about abusive ex in over 10 years.
Last night - DH is visiting his family abroad. His mum has just died. The death has been a strain on our relationship. He has taken it horribly - understandably. I have been supportive. But I miss happy DH. Selfish, I know.
Whilst he's been away (3 weeks now, I was out for the funeral too, but I came back to work) I have been filling my time with friends and family. All very well. 21 year old cousin came over, having just been dumped. She was asking for my advice on how to be okay again, how long does it take to get over someone etc. Had a nice evening, had some wine, went to bed reasonably early.
This morning, in light of the conversation with my niece, I Facebook stalked abusive ex. He's married, kids, gorgeous wife, who looks like me. And it has hit me like a tonne of bricks. Today I have felt all the feelings i felt when trapped in that abusive relationship. Obviously I don't want to be with the ex - we haven't spoken in 10 years, he's a complete stranger! But I'm concerned at the reaction I had to finding out this news.
Is it ok to still be this effected 10 years later? I worked so hard to get better and happy and free, and I'm worried I've fucked myself up.