Am I being too picky, or am I fair to expect more?

[bethere45a]

DP and I live together - late twenties, 3.5 years. I have felt somewhat disheartened about the relationship over the last year or so, for the following reasons...

• DP talks about our 'future' but nothing ever changes. He cannot wait to marry me...apparently. But when I've taken the initiative to probe a little (I dislike doing this, obviously), he becomes quite child like and makes a joke out of it and says 'soon, just wait.' This has gone on for a good year now.

• When we have had a big dispute (only had 2 real blow outs), one of which was certaintly him in the wrong and he admits this, too...his reaction was to tell me he wanted some 'time to clear his head.' I asked what he meant - ie did he mean he wasn't sure on us, and he said no, but the dispute had made him stressed so he wanted a weekend apart. I wouldn't mind this, had I not been utterly distraught about the dispute myself, seeing as it was about HIM lying to ME, not me hurting him in any way.

• When he had worked away once, on his return, he had a friend's annual Xmas party to attend...I was also invited, though I didn't know the guy very well. The plan was that DP would pay my train fare as well as his, as he had earned a decent whack while working away and I hadnt seen him in a month. The day before he got back he told me that he couldnt afford to pay for me too, (he knew I wouldnt be able to pay for myself), and said he was going to go anyway. I was gutted, mainly because I hadnt seen him in 4 weeks already and felt he couldnt be arsed with me.

• We recently looked at buying a home together (had even viewed places), and then a few weeks later I picked up a call from an estate agent to find he had booked a viewing to see a flat without me...to buy alone...and, to make it even worse, had told him mum about this plan. So I was there thinking we were planning a future together, while he was having private chats with an estate agent and his mother about buying alone.

• Despite my trying to be lovely to his mother, I am constantly met with short answers and a cold shoulder. I asked if she wanted support at a funeral of her friend when my DP was away, to which she replied 'no thanks.' She also told my DP that he should consider moving out of our home as it was better for his job. DP doesnt defend me for fear of hurting him mum's feelings. It makes me feel shit, especially when I have done nothing wrong - my intention from day one was to be supportive and caring towards her, as that is how I have been brought up and that's what I feel is the right thing to do. She makes that very hard.

• When I have called him up on any of the above...his response is that he feels pressured by me. This has made me feel guilty, and very confused. I am quite a proactive person, but I always, always listen to him and his views and care very much for his happiness. I've been excited about my future with him, and perhaps he sees that as pressure. I am so confused.

As a result of the above, I am starting to feel like I am wasting my time and part of me is wondering if I deserve better. But then I think am I being unfair on him? Have I pressured him? Is this my fault?

Any advice really appreciated.

Yep I agree with others, if he REALLY wanted to marry you, there would have been plans, actions and progress by now. He doesn't see you as his future I don't think.

You know the saying "never make someone a priority when you are just an optional to them" well, I think it fits here.

You have loads of time left to find someone who will adore you, not tolerate you till someone his mother approves of comes along.

The thing is, OP, that you are thinking if you were different, his reactions would be different. He's not at the point where he wants marriage and commitment. The thing is, do you hang around and wait?

The way I would look at it is this:

• You're at a fantastic age - you have years ahead of you where you could meet someone really great.

• His mother is awful - really awful. How she behaves is not normal and you deserve a really lovely mother in law, not someone like her. She will make your life a misery.

• Your boyfriend will always put his mum first. He won't accept your opinion of her behaviour as she spoils him. This would always be an issue for you - knowing that, why continue with the relationship?

• He puts himself first. Then he puts his mum. Then his friends. Then you. You should leave him now and find someone who puts you first, just as you would put him first.

• Do you know any couples who have a really good relationship? If you do, think of one of them behaving how your boyfriend behaves. It doesn't fit, does it?

• Do you know anyone who has or is a really good mother in law? Wouldn't you be happier with someone like that in your life? His mother's a bloody dementor and you will really suffer at her hands.

Come on, OP - you can do it! Grit your teeth, put yourself first and tell him you've had enough and you want to get out.

He doesn't want to be with you in the long run. It sounds like this relationship has run its course and one of you needs to get the courage to end it. He really doesn't want to marry you or buy a house together. He's stringing you along until he finds the best moment for him to end things.

You are at an age where you can easily find someone else -plenty of late 20s/early 30s men out there looking for a relationship.