ALL the romance has gone since we moved in together. Normal?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

DP and I have been together for almost 5 years - getting married soon. We only started living together late last year.

Before we moved in, he was the world's most romantic man: texts, emails, calls every day. Since we've moved in: nothing. He is very helpful and kind, but all the mushy stuff has stopped.

As our wedding is fast approaching, I'm getting worried. I'm the type of needy person who needs a bit of attention from their partner or I turn into a grumpy PITA.

Is it normal for the romance to tail off when you shack up? It's just I'm scared of marrying a roommate. Is there anything I can do to inject a bit of the spark back, or kick-start his interest? Or should I accept this?

Can you be specific as to how he's not matching your romantic ideal? It's difficult to ascertain from your posts if your expectations have not adjusted to take into account the change in your circumstances (the example you've given of less texting, calling and emailing does seem OTT) or that you're temporarily feeling insecure (which is understandable considering how close your wedding is).

Calm down and talk to him.

I've been in a number of relationships where, after the early stages, I felt as if I ceased to exist for my partner when he was doing something else. It's hard to put your finger on it, but easy to recognise when it's happening to you. I wonder if this is how you're feeling?

Fwiw, I married one of them - he was insistent it would all change after the wedding. It got worse.

There might be nothing actually 'wrong' but it's still your right and responsibility to protect your emotional health. You don't sound at all "needy" if that's what you're worried about. Could it be that you're finding out you have different relationship styles? He's not going to suddenly become Mr Thoughtful with a ring on his finger ... question is, how comfortable are you with Mr Not All That Thoughtful? If you really don't feel like you're an essential & valued part of his life, you shouldn't marry him.

If you do, there's always divorce ... !?!

Great article, Inexperienced, thank you. I've bookmarked it.

Love and relationships change and evolve - as others have said.
Seems logical that you won't need to text and e-mail if you are seeing each other every morning and evening.
However, it is easy to get into a bit of a rut, and, if it's important to you, then you need to talk to him about how you feel. Maybe suggest a weekly 'date' which you take turns to arrange to take the other somewhere - doesn't have to be an expensive night out it could be a walk by the river or a picnic or just making the effort for your evening meal once a week with no TV, no phones, by getting dressed up, having candles, or whatever floats your boat.
However, he won't know this if you don't talk to him about it.

Also, if you struggle when you are not treated like a princess, then have you thought about how you will manage if you are planning to start a family ? Things change a lot more with tiny babies to look after.

I don't care for overly romantic men, especially when they turn it off like a tap, as yours has done. Call me cynical, but the rapid change says 'fake' to me. It says, this is what you do to get a partner, and I've done that bit, so...

And I know it's the not the done thing, but your post made me uneasy, so I took a look at a couple of previous threads. This is guy who was going to take his ex to court for access to his children? I have a distant alarm bell ringing.

I would think very hard about going ahead with this wedding. Something isn't quite right.

I think if he knows you would like more romantic or attentive behaviour from him and he won't do it, that is a problem. And if he isn't interested in your wedding, that would worry me.

DH and I had a small, unfussy wedding but we planned it together and organised it together. He still surprises me with thoughtfulness- bunch of flowers, bar of chocolate, tea in bed. We hold hands, always give each other a hug and a kiss when we get home, have a cuddle on the sofa, flirt - but we are together all the time so it's more everyday affection than the passion we had when we didn't live together and were in the first flush. Still have date nights and lots of sex

If it has all stopped I think that is not a good sign.

Thing is, Back, I doubt anyone who's been on Mumsnet for more than half an hour would post a relationships thread without first talking to their partner. If you've got to the month of your wedding without being able to discuss emotional upset, you definitely shouldn't be making a long-term commitment!

And here we are; third and fifth posts:
Have you talked to him about it?
yes I have, a couple of times. Nothing changed.

I agree with trackr. He reckons he's done the attention bit. Now she's in the net her needs & preferences don't matter.

Trackr Thanks for your post. (Thank you EVERYONE for your posts! It's all really, really helpful.) Why does my previous post ring alarm bells? His ex is being very difficult about access - it's been steadily cut down from every other weekend with both DC, through now to seeing only one DC once a fortnight for an hour. She's just slowly and cruelly cut it back. He has to use Court to try and see them.

So today, I've ignored him. I just got fed up. So I ignored his text at lunchtime (which was just a rather sleazy one about sex), then I went out after work by myself. He texted again, and rang my mobile and the home number. I missed both as I was at the cinema with my mobile off.

So that's all obviously very attentive and sweet! But do I really have to vanish to get attention?

I spoke to my boss about this, and she says it sounds like cold feet. (On my part.) I do love him, but there have been several quite crappy incidents during our relationship and TBH, I wish things hadn't gone this far.

I've recently bought a house (on my own) in my hometown, and got a new job, and I'm really near my family now. I've got two DC already so they're here and established in good schools. Part of me just wants to be single now IYKWIM. A fresh start, just me and the DC. No men in tow.

But then, DP is so helpful around the house that I'd possibly struggle without him?

I'm being so selfish. If I cancelled this wedding now it would humiliate him in front of his friends and family, and his Mum is really old and frail -/ she told me not long ago that if we ever split up, she really would have nothing to live for! ?!?!

I think I'm being really selfish. And stupid. Many women my age with two DC would be over the moon to have a handsome, funny, clever, helpful DP marrying them in 3 weeks' time. I'm just NEVER happy.

We're also getting married in a church. I wish we weren't. Church weddings are MASSIVE to me, and a proper vow in front of God.

My first wedding was in a register office. I had to have an interview with the Vicar before he'd grant me permission.

My vicar loves us as a couple and is really lovely, it's stupid but I'm actually thinking of going to see him to talk about this!

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I have the courage to call it off. It'd be a BIG deal, and I have to be 100% sure it's the right thing... And I'm not! ARGH.

When I was out tonight, I found myself thinking it'd be good if something happened something not instigated by me that cancelled our wedding. So I could get out of it without getting "in trouble". Which is obviously a BAD sign. But when I'm with DP, in his company, I forget all these doubts and feel really happy. It's only when we're apart that my brain craves freedom.

I don't make sense. I realise how confused this is but my head is all over the place.

I think a Pros/Cons list would be a good idea.

I actually think I'm a commitmentphobe. I crave commitment in the beginning and am often the one to bring up future plans, marriage, etc... Then as soon as it's imminent, I want to run away.

Having counselling for this stuff would be a good idea... But how do I fit that in with just THREE FUCKING WEEKS until the actual wedding??

Bloody Hell. I'm a mess. I'm such a bloody nightmare.

I wish I could look into the future and see how it all turns out. Our marriage, if we have one: are we happy, or miserable?

I really don't want to be someone who got divorced twice. My next marriage will be THE one. Part of me doesn't want to "waste" my church wedding on someone I have doubts about.

Oh bloody, bloody Hell. How did things get this far??

We are spending the whole day together tomorrow. I could try and raise all this again, but I know what he'll say -- that he has no doubts, thinks we are great together, and that everything is good. That's what he always says. He seems to be certain. I'M the nightmare one who changes her mind every day.

I can't believe I posted all that. I'm quite embarrassed! I wish I'd NCed. You're all going to know what a mentalist I am inside.

If it's not the right relationship, it's worth remembering that however traumatic/embarrassing/painful calling off a wedding can be, it's way, way easier than getting divorced.

You actually don't sound confused, Whats...you sound very clear. You said:

Part of me just wants to be single now IYKWIM. A fresh start, just me and the DC. No men in tow.

I found myself thinking it'd be good if something happened something not instigated by me that cancelled our wedding. So I could get out of it without getting "in trouble".

And you're not really giving any good reasons to go ahead with this, except that you would feel bad if you didn't.

Now it's up to you what you do, but I do think Pounding makes a good point: calling off a wedding is way easier than getting a divorce.

You recently bought a house on your own !

You have doubts about getting married !

You wish for more "romance"

To me this does not seem like a happy start to any marriage

I would think about delaying the marriage

Why would you marry someone you are not 100%+ committed to ?

God you're really having doubts aren't you? My marriage ended badly but I have to say I was dead certain about getting married in the weeks leading up to the wedding and on the day itself.

You say you are sure you want to be single?

I don't know how you will be able to go through with it. Good luck whatever you do.

I didn't want to give any more attention to this thread (I'd delete if I could! So embarrassing!) but I thought I should come back with an update.

The wedding is on. I talked to him -- he came and asked me what was wrong, so I spilled my guts. There were tears (from me), and several looks of confusion and bafflement (from him) but we were able to untangle my brain.

We agree on everything. We talked about everything. It was a horrible bombshell for him (who has never had doubts or cold feet about us ever), but we talked through it all. The way he acted/spoke proved to me that he's the absolute right and best person for me.

I then spoke to my parents (my family is ridiculously close) by myself, and they were amazing too. They think we're perfect together

I think it's normal to have worries/fears before you get married a second time. My ExH was so, so horrible to me (physical abuse, emotional abuse, which still continues) that I lost all confidence in relationships. DP has had an uphill struggle getting me to commit, but he's never given up.

Then we went upstairs and had the Shag to End All Shags. It's like a weight has been lifted.

And then I got my period, and suddenly the world makes sense again.

The End. :-) xx

Thanks for the update OP I have so many threads I'm watching that have no conclusion!
It feels good when everything is out in the open. Have a happy wedding!