Just stopping by to say hi, to those who helped me re: EA ex

[ohsotired45]

Hi everyone

I took a break from here for a while, to try and focus on work and myself (I found myself getting too drawn into different threads, something I used to do on the AIBU forum years ago! I'm sure many of you know what that's like.) I also felt like I was getting worse and retreated generally.

However I didn't want to just disappear either, because some of you wonderful women took your valuable time to give me advice, listen, share experiences and respond when I was feeling like my world was tumbling down around me.

One of you said that you didn't get better until you had private therapy. I am going to step up and say yes, you were right. I tried. So, so hard. To get help from Women's Aid, and a long NHS counselling/CBT list. I eventually saw a counsellor 9 sessions ago and she is lovely, very caring and is clearly very concerned for me. Women's Aid were not a good fit. They didn't have any 1:1 support and I needed to TALK. About the horrible things he did to me, about why I feel sad everyday when I don't want to, about how I feel like I'm drowning in my past when I should be living in the present and looking forward to, and enjoying, the good things in my life, of which there are many. Women's Aid put me in a very basic CBT group called "Living life to the full". I was the odd one out, both socially and with a group of women who had no understanding of mental health (absolutely not their fault) and needed it explaining in very simple terms. I tried it. I told them I needed help that ran much deeper than that. They tried to get me to go on another group, one that would teach me how not to choose a DV/EA partner in future. I told them I didn't need that. I walked away.

Things came to a head as my MH was all over the place and I wasn't sleeping. He said he could see I'd tried everything and was coming up with nothing, and said he would give me some of his savings to pay for private therapy. I had someone recommended to me who is a specialist in EA/narcissism. She saw me for an assessment within 3 days. 2 days later, I started with her (yesterday) and my life has changed already.

It's £40/session, something I could never pay regularly, but my partner has given me funds for 6-8 sessions and I think that will probably be about right. Maybe a few more, but she's so amazing that I know I will change by leaps and bounds.

We have already discussed her model of psychoanalysis and she has correctly explained where she thinks things have gone wrong, where I sit on the model chart and which parts we need to work on. We have a plan.

She is funny - she tells me to swear and throw pillows if I need to.

She's given me a useful mantra based on her assessment of my difficulties with my ex, one that I used today and it worked. You are the adult, she said, and he is the child. You have the advantage.

She said he doesn't know how to be an adult, and even when you try to speak to him like one, he acts and lives from his inner child, the one that is angry, rages and can't be reasoned with. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what cannot be made sense of. You need to recognise his bad behaviour and bullying for what it is: childish insecurity.

I am both energised and exhausted. Just typing this is making me feel worn out again so I'll stop soon.

I know I am fortunate to have this opportunity. I really believe that everyone deserves to get better. I guess what I am saying is if you've tried to get help, and it isn't working or hasn't made things better, and if you can find a way to pay for a therapist of your choosing, I would recommend it. At this practice, they do have discounted therapy for those on a low income, but there is a big waiting list.

I know it is totally out of reach for many. But have a think if there is someone in your life who could gift or loan you some money. When we are bogged down with our troubles it's very easy to shoot down an idea that feels like a dream and it's also very easy to feel too embarrassed or proud to ask our true friends and family for help. If you've gone through EA you are taught not to put yourself first, but you might be surprised by how willing people are to help when you have the courage to ask.

Take care everyone. x

Thank you Gilrack, I understand what you mean now. It's not fair and it's hurtful (not your fault!) but I get it.

This one stings because it's the lowest of the low comments he's ever made. My therspist said I could throw pillows & swear & I think this will be happening next time.

Her scars are slow to crust so I think I have to prepare myself for a 2 week gap. ??

rather

[thank] Thank you, ohso. I'm sorry to hear DD's so poorly.

When I was little, my mum had a stash of old crockery that she'd throw against the garden wall when she'd had enough. Pillows are a much safer bet, and you can pummel them until one of you gives in Worth a go when DD's asleep, perhaps?

Another good one is the 'letter you never send'. I've written hundreds of those buggers in my time. Other people find it helpful to draw/paint their angry stuff, dig large violent holes in the garden, sing angrily, or act it out with an empty chair. You get the idea. It can clear your mind for a while.

Pfft, that was supposed to be for you!

Ah, now I can't agree about the compassion - not yet, anyway. Later on, yes, hopefully - it's something to aim for eventually

But imo it's important to draw a line between you and him - and imo (and ime), entertaining compassion draws us to our abusers at a time we can't afford it. Once you have drawn and established, over a good period of time, that line; once that separation is fully in place, then you can afford compassion - until then it is too dangerous imo, too much of a risk.

Your focus needs to be you. Focusing on him, whether negatively or positively, keeps your focus on him. For now you need to focus on you and your recovery from the trauma of the abuse. Imo you need to make him as 2D, a cartoon villain, to dehumanise him in order to humanise yourself. Later on you may be able to afford to humanise him with compassion in your own mind...but that may never come and that's alright - because your focus needs to be on you, your recovery, your future health.

I woke up this morning with a terrible feeling, like I've made a huge mistake confronting and I'm going to pay for it - not through physical violence, but rather that he could decide to make my life a misery in retaliation. I have already had the sense to add, as an addendum, that he'd better not pull any stunts re: selling the house (which is finally shifting) or retaliate in any way by being awkward about agreed holidays or any other agreements, but the fear is there in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying to reason with it.

Pox is not looking much better today so next week it is for my lovely new therapist. But she might be able to see me early in the week to try and make up for lost time.

I wrote a 12 page letter when this all kicked off last autumn, never sent and just for a rant as you've described, which I don't even want to read as it may set me off. And I've sent him a couple of much shorter notes in the past few months, with one sort of non-apology reply from him as I felt I had to say my piece. Only the last one, this past week, brought up the biggies - the assault and the birth. And it came about because I was fecking pissed off with him taking advantage of my good nature and flexibility when it comes to covering illness and holidays. If he thinks I'm going to help him out when the baby comes (and I believe he will not know what's hit him) he can massively do one.

I know not everyone will agree with my recent confrontation being a good idea but it's done. I have a feeling that's the last time I'll send anything though.

But when I see my therapist, I'll tell her what's happened and ask for help for a plan for the next time I may be tempted to throw something in his face, however truthful or indignant I might feel. I can see a pattern here.

For now I'm going to try and get some work done while praying that the big pillow/duvet/tent den I've built in front of the tv for pox DD will keep her amused for a bit. Because my clients don't really care that I have no childcare.

pissed off with him taking advantage of my good nature and flexibility when it comes to covering illness and holidays

Girl, you're going to have to channel your inner bitch. Less of the 'good nature' ok? Forget good fucking nature. You don't have to be nasty - BUT DON'T BE NICE, EITHER.

Pissing in the wind comes to mind; pearls before swine.

yy been there; t-shirt. Part of being nice is to try to encourage them to be nice back. Also 'please dont be horrible!' They have no 'nice'. They have no intention of being nice.

Yes, definitely, it's done and what's done is done. You won't get everything perfect - it takes a lot of skill to deal with people like this; and that takes time and practise! So go easy on yourself, you're doing well

Onwards and upwards. Keep going, you're getting there bit by bit.

(You can take any stunts he pulls btw - day at a time! Don't give him hints about what would be the most devastating eh . In fact, aim for the mantra 'detach detach detach' - it's the best way to go and it WORKS)

Lots of

Good to hear about your therapist, ohso

I'm still here and struggling again since dd1 is again worrying and upset about whether her Shit Father will bother to come to her school concert.

All this stuff sets me back and makes me want to gowge his eyes out - how dare he do this to her/me.

I see a trainee therapist which is a good space to vent.

But I need a proper psychotherapist, a lady like yours. I hope you see her again before too long.

May need to rob a bank.

Most therapists offer a sliding fee scale, Handy - try BACP to see list of therapists in your area - just ask. Xx