Am I being harsh re boyfriend's "illness"?

[SadieSanchez]

I can't decide if I am being mean today?

My boyfriend has been suffering from a sore throat this week and I have lost patience and basically told him I am busy and I will speak to him at the weekend when he is better.

Bit of background...he is genuinely lovely, treats me really well and we have been together about 10 months. But after the first few months of our relationship, I began to notice a bit of a pattern with his "illnesses" and it's doing my head in.

Things will be going really lovely, we are really loved up, seeing lots of each other etc and then every 6-8 weeks, he will come down with something or he'll "feel rough" for a few days.

When this happens, he goes quiet and grumpy, I hardly hear from him and his messages are quite short. I'll offer support, sympathy or even company, which he won't accept. It almost always falls on a day we have plans and it's always an ordeal trying to drag it out of him whether he feels well enough to go or not. So it always ends with me feeling pissed off with him, so we will disagree, things will be off for a couple of days, then when he feels better it all goes really lovely again, I can't fault him in other ways at all, but lo and behold several weeks later, here we go again.

He's done it this week. I knew it would mean we wouldn't be seeing each other as planned last night. I told him yesterday to let me know how he feels in the evening, he didn't. I lost my patience with him and told him illness doesn't excuse rudeness and he apologised, said he felt rubbish, wanted to be alone but hadn't wanted to say it as he knows it sounds selfish.

I understand that some people want to be on their own when they are feeling ill. And sometimes if you are ill, you need to cancel plans. I don't understand why a sore throat or "feeling rough" means you have to stay in bed for two days. Or why you can't text someone just as nicely as you would when you feel 100%. Just get on with it surely?

I also don't understand why someone who would feel ill so frequently wouldn't try to make themselves healthier.

I am now beginning to wonder what it would be like to live with a man like this? Which is something we have spoken about for next year.

I dont see why you should jump through hoops trying to unravel the riddles of his behaviour.... He's an adult, capable of communication!

Yeah that is true. I'll ask him what it's all about. And then based on what he says make a decision about what to I suppose

Has he sought medical advice?

I couldn't put up with this. Once every 6-8 weeks?! That's a lot. And it's not as though he's letting you know that plans are changing, he's making you chase him to get an answer. He's flaky and rude. You gave him another chance and he blew it. This is not someone you could rely on to be there for you when you need him.

It's a miserable situation, but a good thing you've spotted this now rather than after he's moved in ...

I'm going to put the other side and say that maybe he's on the level, maybe he really does feel rotten and maybe he simply needs time to himself and excuse for it. If he's really gone to bed then it sounds like he really isn't himself. Clearly it's a pattern though.

Bottom line, if it's not what you want to live with, then there's no future together.

In your shoes I'd be thinking whether this was something I wanted to live with and I'd also be reading up on red flags and watching the rest of his behaviour carefully over time. If it turns out to be genuine unwellness, then you gotta decide if it's something you can/want to put up with. Maybe the good times outweigh the bad, maybe they don't.

If there are more red flags, bin.

I used to do this, and agree that it's not fair, you are playing with another person's emotions/state of mind by being dishonest with them, and themselves.

From my perspective, it wasn't entirely intentional, but once I learned that it was a regular event in my life (a thinking habit as my CBT calls it), across many different people, I realised it wasn't illness in the sense of the idea that I had a cold or a bug - it was anxiety.

You don't feel right, because anxiety often comes with some psychosomatic issues, I find it was insomnia that made me feel ill, and it was things like knowing I was going out on a date that triggered that anxiety.

Once I saw that pattern, I had to take responsibility for it. Mental illness doesn't absolve you of that, it just means sometimes you might not notice the connections, or that it may be harder to fix it. I had CBT, I learned about the triggers and how to cope with it.

I am now pretty open with partners. I talk about it before it happens, tell them that every so often I shut out the outside world and reset. That if that occurs when we have plans, I will inform them beforehand, and we can talk about other options, perhaps staying at home together for a more intimate date instead, or seeing if we can arrange a friend to go out if it's something booked and I really can't go, or even just finding ways to cope and getting myself there (because often I still want to). If they are unhappy with that, I don't blame them if they want to call it a day.

I tend to experience mental illness physically before I notice the mental stuff, so often it's a good indicator now that something is bothering me, and I can be proactive about dealing with it.

Hiding behind the idea of "being ill" doesn't help, I wouldn't have wanted to date me back before I admitted to it being an issue and taking responsibility for it. Other people can't fix them, only they can do that, and if they don't want to, then I'd question whether being with someone who hurts you regularly with their behaviour is right for you.

I think, assuming it is merely a case of being frequently ill, he needs to get over himself and not take to his bed to sulk and ignore the world. It's not a very emotionally intelligent thing to do.

He is a controlling arse. You'd be better off without him. Ten months Ffs. You could live another 60 years!!

'Maybe I need to figure out whether he does get depressed or if he is just being flakey.

Or maybe it doesn't matter. '

It doesn't matter, because he's continuing along this path of his own choosing. Partners are not projects for you to manage and fix. He' an adult. He is responsible for his communication, health problems, etc. He's manipulative.

It's 10 months in and he's already dicked you around even though you gave him a second chance.

It's ill-advised to stay with him, much less live with him or procreate.

Thanks for your comments and advice everyone, I am off to work now and will re-read more thoroughly tonight x

I know someone who had all those things said in this tgread, said about them. They have a genuine physical illness.

'I know someone who had all those things said in this tgread, said about them. They have a genuine physical illness. sad'

And did they blow their girlfriend or boyfriend off when they were ill, not respond to any communication, be rude and terse when that happened?

He's either a big baby or depressed and shutting off from the world.

You may well "love him" (what is there to love about him exactly when he is messing with your head so?) What he does works and that is why he keeps on doing it; after all you are still his girlfriend. He is not and never has been your project to rescue and or save from his own self, fix or improve.

What do you exactly know about this person, what's his family background like for instance?. This type of individual only loves himself and he really has no idea what a healthy relationship actually is.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher now and call this a day, relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

While I still think this has something to do with anxiety and/or depression, I think I should add my voice to those saying that that does not mean you owe him a go at this relationship. He's not at a stage where he's dealing with this well, and I don't know that he will reach that stage for a good while yet. Staying in a relationship with him might even take away any pressing need for him to do so.

I am disabled, I get ill a lot myself, not just mentally, but physically. I guess what I learned is that it's not what's behind the behaviour, but how they deal with it that important.

I could be controlling about it, use guilt and sympathy to achieve my desired result of not having to do something, whether because I felt lazy, felt anxious or felt genuinely ill. Make my partner feel bad about feeling disappointment, because poorly old me should be most important.

Or I could accept that it's frustrating for someone else to constantly have to cancel plans but never quite being certain, acknowledge that feeling with them, plan ways to avoid it, and ways to cope with it those times it's unavoidable, and always keep an open honest dialogue there so it doesn't fester into resentment for them, and habit for me.

There's nothing wrong with being Ill but the lack of communication and blowing you out is rude and disrespectful and unless he can change that behaviour pretty quickly I.e, immediately I'd get rid.
If he has a sick day from work presumably he'd let work know or he'd lose his job. If he has a 'sick day' from you he should let you know too.

Can you see yourself putting up with this for the rest of your life? Is that going to make you happy?

If the answer is no to either then you need to ditch him.

I might be totally off the mark but any chance he's drinking/hungover on those days ?

If he was otherwise nice I would wonder if he had one of those miserable chronic conditions that some people don't quite believe in, such as fibromyalgia, or lupus, and hasn't yet felt brave enough to talk to you about it. Some people who have a chronic illness are ashamed of it and therefore a) make a lot of silly excuses and b) get grumpy about it. If you think he's worth the bother I would suggest a straight talk with him when he's feeling better: if you know what's going on it's easier to decide how much of it you can deal with.
But if there are other signs of arseholery, I would just walk.

Certainly back off with the moving in together talk!

if he's genuinely ill so often he needs to get his bloods checked. I get ill frequently be it hayfever or a cold because I have low iron and it does make me feel like shit but you have to get on with it. Otherwise he's just being cold

Not every illness comes up in bloods. Not every illness can be treated or cured.

I agree with SGB.

After 'just 10 months' you're only 'in love' with the idea of him.

He's not the man you think he is - he's the self-centred man he wants to be and you'll come a very poor second to his love for himself.