love him but not.......

[workingmum22]

in love with him - I think!
I have been with my DH for 11 years. In August/Sept I started to really question my feelings. I felt like I didn't love him any more - no reason just grown out of love.
THEN my DS had a serious accident - told he might not survive 1st 48 hrs - but he did and he surprised medical staff to recover to almost 100% (should recover fully).
Anyway since then I have really been questioning myself - am I feeling down and not loving DH because of everything that has gone on or do I really not love him? I feel I love him as I do my siblings not as a husband. Havent had sex for @ 6mths ( and only then because felt I should) - don't fancy him. Thought it my fault -lack of sex drive due to working full time, not fancying him, loss of interest etc but have recently started feeling attracted to other men (wouldn't do anything but feel like it).
Problem is what do I do next? He loves DS & DD and I am crap at talking about feelings (so is he). Just know that living like this is killing me.
What would you do?

DO NOT END THIS RELATIONSHIP w/o seeking some professional help!

FWIW, you're far from alone.

But it's entirely possible to get your marriage back on track.

Marriage is hard work. There are times - long times, even - when it can feel like this.

But I'd so some serious exploring and counselling before making any drastic moves.

You give the best relationship advice in town expat. Would totally second that.

Sometimes I think the brain plays tricks on a person, eg when you nearly lose someone ( like in an accident), your brain goes into self defence mode and starts making you believe that you might even fancy other people, basically because you are trying to protect yourself from losing the person you really love.

Sorry very long sentence but hope you understand what I'm getting at

He is even worse than me for talking. If we argue he would prefer to go for a week not talking than discuss the issue.
I think he loves me but I really don't know anymore.
Problem is our entire lives are on opposite shifts to fit around child care etc. but when we do meet I don't feel I have anything to tell him plus his habits are starting to annoy me.
As I say I feel like he is my brother and as I have 5 of them I think I know how that feels.
I am desperate not to hurt his feelings though as I do love him just not in the way he wants
.

How do you know you're not loving him the way he wants?

You two don't really communicate anymore.

Marriage isn't always easy.

Like everything else in life.

I really and truly think you need to make time to see a professional.

This is more common than you think.

Dh wouldn't even consider seeing professioal help.
I know that he notice's that I pull away every time he touchs me.
I know what you mean blue jelly about almost loosing someone etc and it has changed my thinking and attitude to life but it starts from before that. It is because of it that I think I can't carry on like this.

Then go alone, workingmum.

|Would gladly but who has children? have used up most of leave due to ds accident, dh shift opposite to me for childcare including weekends, and most of friends miles away. Know it sounds like excuses but his company so inflexible that after 24 years with them they would only allow him 5 days paid off for ds in intensive care.

I would just say one other thing -Im not trying to protect myself following the accident. I know I spend too much time trying to protect ds. I really don't feel I love Dh which is why I don't know how to tell him I dont love him

yes, it sounds like excuses.

it sounds like you've already given up on your relationship and are looking for validation for that.

workingmum22 dp and I went through this a while ago and I thought it was over, but we thought we owed it to dd to give our relationship a chance. Dp is a very resrved man so would not go to a counsellor but we worked throught some relate books together and we now ahve a fantastic realtionship. Marriage or a long term relationship is hardwork and there will be times when it seems not worth the effort.

I once heard a quote from a lady who had been married for 60 years and she said that the secret to a long term relationship was not to fall out of love with each other at the same time, so one of you is always fighting to keep you together and I think it is good advice - as well as pointing out that it is not realistic to expcect to be madly in love every day or even every month!

You have been through a lot and there is going to be some fall out somewhere.

Poor you. Just finding someone to talk to about it might help. Even if you can't get to physical counselling may be there are telephone services you can use.

Why doesn't he arouse you? Are there thing he could do like getting fit or losing weight which would help that?
What about trying something radical like saying you want a lot more sex with him and having it (even though you don't) and just seeing how that works?

Did you feel like this before the accident, or is it because you felt unsupported by him during that time?