Depressed, unhappy marriage, no sex, DC...

[ifyouspeaktomeinfrench]

NC - H is a lurker

I'm depressed, was on anti-Ds (but recently come off them) H is depressed also on ADs (trying to cut down). Been together 8 years, married for just under two years.

Today we were shouting at each other in the car - I told him I resented him and he needed a job. He told me I was "a piece of shit inside and out".

We're not happy - we act like friends, I have no sex drive (hence trying to coming off my ADs) and this really upsets/angers H. I'm awful at talking about it and I'd rather just go to sleep/ watch tv. I don't initiate sex (I never have) and since the birth of my DS I sometimes experience pain (lots of internal stitches) and in my mind sometimes it's not worth it. I enjoy sex when I actually bother, but it's my not bothering that is causing problems. But I can't seem to talk about it with H....

Have a 2yo DS, I work full-time (teaching) and H was made redundant this time last year. I was part-time (4 days) and had DS on my day off. Once DH was made redundant, I went back up to full-time to help with fiances until H found a job.

Recently I also started a self-employed businesses (childrens' entertainer) - which I do at weekends. I will often have one booking every weekend, some weekends no bookings.

It's been a year since DH has been made redundant. He started a business as managed to get his previous employer (that made him redundant) to employ him on a freelance basis once a week. Apart from that one day, this is the only stable work he has. He's dabbled in other ventures, but they have not taken off. I feel very resentful that he has delayed finding any kind of stable job. If it were me I would be stacking shelves, but he doesn't want to do that - he says he's worth more than that.

My DM looks after my son during the week and has done since September (H has recently been taking DS one day a week, but only in last 6 weeks). We have to ask my MIL to help pay my DM (DS was in nursery 4 days a week until H's redundancy) as we are so broke.

So H has one day at work, one day with DS and the other 3 days on his ventures and looking for jobs. MIL lends us around £700 a month to pay my DM childcare and to make sure we don't end up in our overdraft every month.

H is also addicted to over the counter painkillers. He gets really angry when trying to come off of them - I've asked him to see a doctor but he hasn't. He recognises he has a problem.

Meanwhile I'm exhausted, depressed, crazy, unhappy, working full-time and working at weekends (sometimes). I'm miserable and horrible to be around. All I do is moan and criticise, but I am unable to explain why I have such a low sex drive to H. I have never been able to talk about sex, I just close up.

After the "piece of shit" comment divorce was mentioned.

I'm not sure why I typed all of this. Maybe I am a piece of shit and I just don't see it and I'm delusional. I most likely am a horrible person to live with - I'm like Jeckle and Hyde.

If we do get divorced, will DS have to live with DH as I am the provider and work full-time?

I don't have the money for a cheap break sadly - although I could stay with a friend for a few nights.

In August MIL is taking us all (BIL,SIL Nieces and Nephews) on a foreign holiday. I've just signed myself up for "Summer School" in the first week of the holidays so that we can contribute spending money. MIL won't be expecting any money but how can we turn up with nothing after all she has paid out for??

Stay with that friend, OP.

Everything relies on you.

You need to be ok.

It's not surprising.

You need to be ok.

If I spoke to him in French I'd say: bouge tes fesses connasse.

He's an adult male whose ego is being funded by his mother.

This stops this week.

He finds a job, or it's over.

Sorry, I will be going against mainstream opinion on this thread but there are a few things I don't understand.

1. OP, why do you have financial problems if you are a teacher and work some weekends, too? Teachers are paid well (I used to be one so I know). You have one child - you should be able to live comfortably on a teacher's salary even if you were a single parent. If the mortgage and overhead is too much, you might need to downsize.

1. OP, you said your DM took early retirement. So she has a pension. Why does she need to be paid to look after her grandson? My grandmother never got paid for looking after us. She just did it because... we were her grandchildren.

1. If MIL can afford it, why is everyone on this thread upset that she gives £700 a month to finance his son's staying at home. It's between them, isn't it? And no, I don't think stacking shelves at night is honourable if you can manage otherwise: he'd be taking that self-stacking job from someone who has no mother to pay £700 a month. Also taking certain jobs do damage to your CV - if a teacher takes a shelf-stacking job, chances are he will not be considered as a teacher again (whereas now he can say he is self-employed and running his own business).

As regards the holiday: OP, why do you feel that you have to give MIL something, when she obviously has money if she invited the whole family for a foreign holiday. It is ok to accept help and love.

1. I never thought that it would take a year for H to find a similarly paid job as his previous one. Yes I have a comfortable wage, and yes I'd survive as a single parent because I'd be paying ONE of everything. Currently there's two adults that require things like food, clothes and other basics.

2.I said my DM took redundancy to help us out short term.

1. Yes she can afford it, but it's not encouraging H to be very proactive about looking for a more stable job.

In terms of the holiday - it's just who I am.

apologies for poor grammar and spelling - not on form today.

Also my DM has a mortgage to pay - she asked for the absolute minimum that she could survive on.

If we have to sell the house, then that's fine. I'm open to it. H on the other hand, is not.

Oh, and he's not a teacher.

I wonder how he is getting his pain medication-is he buying it from others without a prescription? Is he going to multiple doctors? I only ask because obtaining meds or drugs to support an addiction can be time-consuming and I wonder how much time or money he is spending on that.

Zillie they are over the counter - the kind of ones you can get without a perscription. The packets says you should only take them for 3 days.

I see, OP, thanks for taking the trouble to respond. I hope things get sorted for you soon.

It sounds like a pressure cooker, something has to give doesn't it? Teaching is so stressful I think even under normal circumstances you need a drama free home life. Do you enjoy your job? I think if it were me I would move out rent somewhere cheaper for you & ds, it sounds like a very expensive area nursery fees sound insane. As for dh, it's astonishing he's expecting sex, does he not realise women need to feel loved, respected etc outside the bedroom first?! For me the way he's behaving would be a total turn off anyway, demasculating - sponging off his mother would not give me the loving feeling.

That's complete crap. Why does his mother enable him? Theres a difference between helping and enabling. She has created a brat, who doesn't appreciate you, your mum and MIL supporting him. Aren't they sick of this?

Bluntly, if he was so goddam talented and special he'd be working. I wouldn't be surprised if his entitled attitude and drug addiction is the reason nobody will touch him.

He is capable of working. If not, he is capable of looking after your child instead of mooching off MIL. I'd bet you still do all the housework too?

Can you move in with mum if you separate? Or your mum move in with you if you kick him out?