how to disagree without descending into massive row? Any tips?

[Moaningsister]

I have just had a hideous row with a friend. It was about a subject that does hit buttons for me but it got awful. I now feel like a completely socially inadequate failure. I am not good at discussions which hit on certain subjects as I get emotional. I was wondering how other people manage these situations. Any tips?

I think you have to agree to disagree sometimes. And frankly, sometimes you have to just not get into the discussion in the first place.

I have a very dear friend who is an evangelical Christian. I'm an atheist. There are, obviously, things we have entirely opposing views on. I just don't go there with her because although it wouldn't turn into a slanging match, we both know that these are opinions we will not change.

She once asked me to a talk at her church by some nutter creationist (you know, world created in seven days, scientists are all evil godless heathens etc) and I refused. She was a bit surprised I think (I do generally like an argument) but I explained to her that this wasn't two scientific equals putting forward their own models of how x works, it would be reason vs faith. And faith defies reason. If you have faith, you don't need evidence, that's the point of it.

Anyway, I think you're not a social failure, you obviously just care about issue x and you got a bit het up. I suggest calling your friend and telling her, "I am so sorry about the other day. You know x is a subject I feel really strongly about and I got quite emotional. You're my friend and I love you and I totally know that not everyone has the same opinions. Can we put it behind us?"

You try to not take your difference of opinion personally. If you are both coming from a position of 'healthy adult' then there is no need to be aggressive and insulting or defensive and insulted.

Oh and my tips for avoiding meltdowns is to only argue when you want to argue. I'll argue till the cows come home, but if it's a respected friend, I'll temper it with not so much rubbishing their standpoint but giving mine logically.

So for example (real examples here)

1. Me vs sanctimonious colleague. This was t so much an argument as a slap down, but I'd have fought my corner because he was very rude.

Me: anyone fancy a cuppa, I'll pop the kettle on
Colleague:it's Ramadan.
Me: oh I hadn't realised, when is it this year? Let's get the heat turned down a bit, I don't want people getting dehydrated. When's Eid?
Colleague: are you Christian?
Me: umm....no, I'm an atheist
Colleague: how can you have any morals if you don't believe in God?
Me (wanting throttle the little sanctimonious twat) are you saying you can only be moral in the fear of punishment from a higher power? Is it more moral to not kill/steal/rape because you know it is wrong, like an adult, or not to do those things because your fear punishment, like a child? Are you saying that only your fear of God stops you from doing evil? Because that doesn't sound very moral to me....
Colleague: "........."
Me: I'll put the kettle on.

1. Me and friend. Here I'm not arguing, I'm just putting my case.

Jen: I'm off to the nursing home next weekend to read to the partially sighted elderly
Me: wow, that is such a nice thing to do! You really are a lovely person you know...
Jen: I'll get my reward in heaven
Me: uhu.
Jen: you should come to church with me, I worry you won't be saved
Me: I really don't feel terribly comfy with that to be honest, I don't believe in a god, and I'm not keen on the idea of heaven. I think we just get one shot at it and honestly? That makes me realise how precious life is, I'm cool with that. You're lovely for doing that though.
Jen: I'll pray for you
Me: thanks (internally gritting teeth then changing the subject.)

Anyway, a long post. Pick your battles, I suppose is my message.

Thanks Skiptonlass for detailed reply. I do try not to discuss subjects with friends that we disagree on but this conversation came out of the blue as a surprise and got totally out of hand. We did make up. I got upset and then friend got upset and was going to leave but I said why not stay and have tea and chocolate instead. So I guess I am not a total social failure as we left on okay terms. i feel shit though. I hate things like this. Think my social skills have declined (not that brilliant to start with) since I had ds and don't get out nearly as much! Thanks for taking the time to reply.

It's hard when you feel passionately about something, but we all have different opinions. Live and let live, unless you're being put down or bullied :)

Glad you made it up with your friend, that's not easy to do :)

Watching - I could certainly use some tips myself.

Sometimes I would describe myself as "animated" or "passionate" talking about a particular subject and others would describe me as aggressive.

It's awful. I obviously completely lack empathy and don't know how to fix it.

thanks for the very useful thread, OP. I'm exactly the same on subjects which I feel strongly about, whether emotionally or when I'm just absolutely sure of my facts yet someone argues. I find it hard to find the balance between asserting my point and not getting upset or agressive if someone doesn't argue fairly, i.e. is being dismissive or agressive. Looking forward to more replies!

It is nice to know I am not the only one labette and Beagles!

I find balance difficult too beagle. Except I think I often find it difficult to balance between being a total walkover (who lets people get away with whatever because I don't want to get in a spat) and getting upset and angry. I need to get consistently better at making my point calmly and reasonably. It is just that I don't feel calm. So even if I outwardly appear calm I seethe inside. I wish I could be less emotional.

I can relate I hate the horrible feeling afterwards that you're on a different wave length to everyone else. My only advice is avoid mixing politics and alcohol.

I once had a debate about politics in the pub and my two friends were very much of a different opinion to me, it felt shit because its something I feel hugely passionate about. However,next time I went to the pub by myself the barman said "I over heard your argument last time and just want to say I completely agree with you" This just reminded me that even if your friends make you feel completely unreasonable for whatever views you have, there's someone somewhere (probably many people) who share yours.