I think I'm finally losing it

[broadbeanstew]

ExH left for OW just over a year ago. Very sudden, no warning, I was a SAHM with 2 kids. Yes I was upset, but I think, just carried along by the momentum of it all, I coped. I got a job, I moved house. I even started a rebound relationship with a work colleague which,though it pretty much ended in disaster, was fun while it lasted. Everyone was 'amazed' at how well I was coping. I didn't tell them I drank way more than I should and sometimes cried for a whole day when I didn't have the kids. But actually even I felt like things were ok. Last summer passed in a haze of keeping busy, I didn't give myself time to think. I thought I was 'over it'.

The last few weeks I've been feeling like a nervous wreck. It's like I've been holding back the flood and I can't do it anymore. ExH had the kids for half term and took them on a family holiday with his parents- every time he sent me a photo of them having fun I was in bits. All weekend I've been crying. I even cried in work today and covered it up by saying I had a cold. I feel like I'm losing my grip.

I don't know if it's partly that I'm in a new relationship which was great at first but now I am feeling very anxious about. The poor guy hasn't done anything wrong, and it's only been a couple of months so nothing serious, but small things, like if he doesn't text as often as usual one day, turn me into a nervous wreck and I convince myself he's about to break up with me. Also, it's coming up to what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, I don't know if that's triggering things.

I don't know how to explain it other than I feel anxious all the time, I can't sleep, I feel overwhelmed and incredibly tired. Will this pass? Should I knock the new relationship on the head? Sometimes I think for the sake of the DC I should just concentrate on them and forget about dating.

Only you can decide about your new relationship but perhaps your misgivings are a sign that you are not ready for this yet.

I wonder if the holiday was the tipping point because you should have been there too, having that family holiday. Was OW there too? Are they still together? Perhaps you are finally in a place where you can grieve the life you were looking forward to, the life they took away from you.

Sometimes we do save our grieving for when its safer for us to deal with it, you are now settled and safe so it is safe for you to lose your shit a bit and let it all out.

Have you had any counselling to help you deal with what happened? That might be a good idea.

I think maybe the holiday was the tipping point, you're right. OW was there for part of it. ExH has a massive family while mine is v small. It was one of the things I both loved and moaned about when we were together. So it hurts seeing them all together but without me.

I have thought about counselling but I don't know when I'd have the time. Plus I really thought I was doing ok.

Oh I can empathise with this. I'm a few years on now and still get the odd overwhelming wave of grief.

I think you go into shock and then either crumble or cope when it first happens. I just got on with it. No family nearby, I had no choice. The first weekend I didn't have the dcs it felt so utterly wrong I literally did not know what to do with myself, it was horrific. I felt so miserable I was actually physically ill.

Give yourself time. Take your new relationship very slowly. Talk to your partner but use a counsellor or really close friend to really unburden yourself. You will heal but it's a slow process, particularly if you were initially blind sided by the whole thing.

I had exactly the same thing with the ex family too. Big and boisterous, I loved it. We're all still close though, that worked out really well with effort on both sides.

Thank you, maybe I'm not going completely mad then. Relations with his family are ok. I don't really see them but I am glad the DC do. I had to stop looking at FB this week as every picture of friends and their perfect family days out made me feel sick. I don't want exH back, but I really miss being part of a family unit and it makes me so sad to think I'll never have that again.

I understand that totally. It doesn't go away but the pain fades in intensity, or has done for me.

Everything you've described sounds very normal.

I'm three years on - still get the odd pang of grief about the family thing or a few days of feeling out of sorts. I let it out, remember that I won't feel like this forever & try to distract myself.

I've had lots of counselling & that has helped enormously.

I've been in a new relationship for over 2 years now & I have become better at handling my trust issues & my anxiety/insecurities. It's been worth hanging in there as he makes me happy. It helps to have a patient boyfriend, that understands some of your worries.

It's hard, Op - I won't lie. It takes time to adjust, and grieve for what you thought you had. Don't be hard on yourself. I struggled to even take me 2 girls out for family days in the first year as I couldn't bear seeing other families together, doing the stuff I used to do. I missed another adult to share it with.

It's a slow road to acceptance & letting go - try to focus on any positives, even if they seem small as it seems to stop the spiralling negative stuff.

Take care x

Thank you. The trust issues are hard, I've always been quite a trustful and secure person. It's hard to deal with all the doubt that suddenly creeps in.

I was thinking about counselling, but I don't know where to start. Could I ask my GP? Do counsellors do weekends? The only time I have without the DC is every other weekend.

I know exactly how you feel. I am three years on and still get very sad about it all and in a way the early days were easier. You are in shock and you get on with the big stuff because you have to. Then when things are a bit calmer and slower, reality strikes and it hits you more.

I also understand how you feel about your new relationship. I thought I was 'fine' and met someone pretty soon after the end of my marriage but looking back it was terrible timing. Now after a couple more short and disastrous relationships I am enjoying some time on my own. And yes you can concentrate on the kids more which is what they deserve.

And I have that looking at happy families thing. Especially on bank holidays. It's awful.

My DFil has symptoms like you've described, for different reasons, and he has been diagnosed with depression. Might be worth having a chat with a gp.

It sounds very much like ptsd. Definitely head to the gp.

Hi, just wanted to offer a bit of hand-holding really...

For what its worth I'm fresh out of a nearly 10 year marriage and I had a similar thing (posted about it earlier this week) -- I felt totally elated for about a month and then had a mini crash and felt like I wasn't coping at all for a couple of days.

It's been up and down but now feeling OK and have started to accept that its probably going to be like this for a while as I adjust to the new reality. I'm not really grieving for "family life" in the same way because my H basically checked out of the relationship when my DD was born and went out of his way to avoid the family. But I'm grieving for the end of what I invested so much time, energy, money and love into.

From what people said to me on my thread and from what my counsellor said this week delayed reaction to something like this is not uncommon at all.

As for the relationship -- I kind of feel that if you really liked him you'd be going for it, regardless of how you feel about the end of your marriage. You just don't sound very into him....

It's still early days for you bean . I recognise a lot of what you are saying. I think I was in shock for quite a while. The person who is supposed to love you most in all the world betrays you. Nothing feels safe for quite a while, after the shock has worn off, IME. Sounds like this may well be where your anxiety has come from. Don't rule out seeing the doctor, maybe having counselling. I don't think you ever completely get over it, but it does get better than this, promise. x

Thank you all. I have thought it might be depression, but I was given anti depressants as a teenager when my mum died and I really hated them, so I am dubious about going down that road. But I might ask my GP about counselling. Or Relate maybe, do they help single people too?!

The new relationship... Maybe I am a bit unsure. I was actually thinking about ending it last week, I had decided we're just not that well suited. But when I thought about it I realised I'd really miss him. Now that I think I actually do like him a lot it feels like he's going cold... But again that might be my paranoia and trust issues.

It doesn't help that I really fell for mr rebound guy last summer, who was very intense, very romantic, very quick to declare his feelings etc... And then suddenly changed his mind and disappeared. That, along with bastard exH has made me very mistrustful of men!

I also experienced something similar, 2 years post split now. In the immediate aftermath I felt great, I loved being in sole charge of the house, I felt calmer and relieved. I threw myself into work, days out with the kids, diy etc. I dated really soon afterwards and had child free nights out which i hadn't had for years.

It took a whole year to hit me, I crashed and felt terrible. Everywhere I looked were happy families and it really hurt. I felt constantly anxious and questioned my new relationship. I worried that I was 'harming' my children in some way by dating and just felt unsure about everything I was doing.

I recognised it as extreme anxiety and asked for antidepressants from the gp. I'd taken them previously and they helped. Another year on I'm feeling better but still have moments of worry. The tablets help to keep things in perspective and take the edge off the panic.

My partner has been incredibly understanding and I've deliberately kept our relation fairly casual. He doesn't stay over and we've not really done family things together with the kids because that still feels weird to me.

It's a long slow process but I can definitely say that it gets easier. Compared to how I was I do feel calmer and much happier.

Hang in there op, it's not easy but in time you will get though it.

Hi Broad so sorry your reeling. Not going thro what you are, but this past 2 mnths I've been grieving. The anxiety has been gathering in intensity lately and I followed your post to help me clarify things for me.
I've had AD before and didnt get on with them. I have this time tho tried valerian root tbs. Just took max dose every 2cnd day. Finished them on Sunday, and I feel the edge creeping up again. Just a suggestion for consideration. Churchill said "If you're going thro hell, don't stop". You'll get through this petal. [Flowers]