MEN - Why do they always get to go out ? Am I being unreasonable ?

[Tillysmummy]

Unreasonable - surely women are never unreasonable ?!

I just wanted to bounce my feelings by you all and see if I am the only paranoid maniac around here ! I can't even use PMT as an excuse !

Here goes. My DH is excellent, fab, lovely, etc etc and we have a truly amazing relationship. I love him to bits and emotinally and physically we are very compatible which is great. Everything is perfect and I feel so happy and content. DD is gorgeous and completes the family.

Here is the problem. Whenever DH goes out, which isn't often anymore, probably once every couple of weeks, I feel insanely jealous and pissed off. Not jealous that he might flirt or anything, I am totally secure about that, but jealous i guess that's he's going out. It always seems he gets the opportunity to because he works in town and has a very social job but also has to occassionally do these ' marketing' events to further his career which will benefit us all I know. So why do I feel so pissed off ?

I think I know the answer to my question, because he gets to do it so much more than me now. Although if I'm honest it used to piss me off before I had DD. I suppose I feel that a) it's not fair because the days I work I work out of London and have to drive so can never go for impromptu drinks after work and b) he should want to rush home to DD and me (especially days I'm at home because I'm dying to see him).

Even if I know in advance and say to myself I'm not going to get pissed off I still do if he's out very late. I always end up phoning or texting him and having a go.

I hate myself for doing this but can't seem to stop myself at the time. I just feel so pissed off. And I do think Im justified in that i don't get out nearly as much as him but he always says that I should and can (he's irritatingly reasonable about that !) and he'll look after DD but I don't want to ! Occasionally I do but most of the time I just want to be with him and DD and I think he should want the same (is that unreasonable) - also, I can't seem to deal with a hangover anymore now that we have DD.

I suppose I feel that he should want to be at home with us (although he does most of the time and only goes out rarely now). I know it's healthy for us both to have our separate interests and we always have had. This is the only area we ever argue about. Other than these occasional hiccups everything is great.

I guess I'm jealous that he's out having a good time and I'm stuck at home.

The other week he was out and it had been planned for ages (if it's planned I don't mind so much and don't feel so bad). DD had been ill all week and was on the road to recovery but not completely better. She was hard to settle and still crying a lot. He didn't even phone during the evening to see how she was (this really pissed me off) he said he knew she was getting better and that if she'd been bad I would have called. Tuh ! He'd said earlier he thought he'd be back about 11 - at 11 I phoned and he was still in the pub. I was SOOOOO PISSED OFF !! I accused him of all sorts of nasty things like being a bad father etc (which he actually isn't, he's a great, very active father).
The thing is, if that had been me I wouldn't have left him on his own with a sick baby plus I would never leave my DD if she was unwell. I was also a little overwrought because of 6 nights of little or no sleep with DD.

Why do I feel like this and is it abnormal - am I a bunny boiling, over possesive, neurotic mess ?! This is the only thing that ever causes us to row.

I'm in a similar situation, DH has a pathological need to be around people, he feels deprived because he only goes to the pub 2/3 times per week, and only gets to go out clubbing (the out til 6am kind) once a fortnight. He is 34, going on 17. We went through a phase of arguing constantly about this, the current 2/3 times per week is a compromise.

DS2 was taken into hospital after a bad asthma attack and he didn't come to the hospital as "there's nothing I can do". Similar story when I was in hospital for 3 weeks before dd was born..

Like your DH he is always nagging me to go out, but i'm too tired..I do think that men see things differently to us, child is unwell but not dying therefore no big deal...

When all's said and done he does love me and the kids, want a family life etc..So, I definitely don't think you're neurotic.. I've found that it helps if i treat time without him as time for me (once the kids are out of the way!), so cake, trashy novel and a glass of wine in the bath.. Bliss!!

PS have found that explaining that I worry if he's not home when he says made him a bit more conscientious....

thanks angharad. I think you're right and I do enjoy it a lot now. 2 B Fair, Dh is normally home when he says he will be but sometimes when he's out and being encouraged by others he gets carried away and time runs away with him.

We have discussed it lots of times and he never has 'impromptu's' anymore because these used to really upset me because I would be getting all excited about seeing him, cooking dinner etc and he'd phone and say he was out on the P-SS ! Luckily those never happen now I always have plenty of warning so I can prepare.

Most times I don't mind now so much it was just the other week when she was poorly that I got really fed up with him.

My DH is 32 so I guess there's no hope of him growing out of it by 34 !!!

sobernow, another one. At least I am not alone ! Tons of sympathy to you !

You know what, I think it's because they don't have the same feeling of responsibility as we do to the kids. That's the problem. And they're also not so knackered so they say fine, you go out too.

When he says that I say yes but I'll have to drive and I want to have a drink whereas if I went out in town it would be easier but I don't feel like trekking into town when i've either trekked back from work (an hours drive) or had a tiring day with DD

Tillysmum, I could have written that message, word for word. My dh has all the good qualities you describe and is always urging me to go out more, but when he does, I'm exactly the same, I get irrationally annoyed and am nasty on the phone. I, too say to myself "this time, I won't do it etc" but still, I do! Especially if he's away over night for work. I just can't understand why he can be bothered to go out drinking until 5 in the morning (this only happens about once a month at the most, BTW!), and it gets me really annoyed, even though it doesn't even really affect me - he'd be away, anyway.
Sorry I can't explain why I feel like this, but at least you know you're not alone.

Oh my god I think we're all married to the same man!

Dh stops off for 'winding down' drink on the way home from work every day so I am in bed when he gets in. He then plays football on Saturday afternoon and has the usual socialising with the lads afterwards and then every Sunday - just as the word 'cleaning' is mentioned, disappears off to watch the league football on Sky.

I think I resent it so much not because Im in and hes out, but because we rarely spend time together and I suppose I wish he wanted to spend a bit more time with me. He is good with ds though, and often suggests that I go out more.

(He is also v. good at nipping out to buy cigarettes and not reappearing for an hour!)

Sorry Tillysmummy - I meant to give you all my sympathy, tell you that you're not alone, you are also quite justified in feeling that way and you know that you can always vent your anger with us. I started getting so wound up thinking about my own dh I got too carried away and forgot to put all that in the last posting.

Ladies I have to rock the boat, my DH is not a "stop out" at all, but hang my head in shame, I am the guilty one here. Though not on a weekly basis. A typical stop out goes like this

It is the "impromptu" "swift one on the way home on a Friday to celebrate x event " . These usually end up in 10pm call home Hi I 'm in the pub. Sounds familiar?

Have to say sadly that big row phone calls "you have no idea, you don't care about me" just make me think "s*d it I'm in trouble".. think "ah well might as well have another pint", (had a few by then - logic/common sense/good manners gone out of window), then stay out till very late (ie when he has gone to bed). Whereas, reasonable sounding "mmm well see you soon then, glad you are enjoying yourself" response to the 10pm phone call just makes me run out of the pub fairly soon after feeling a bit guilty, toting a take away.

Not trying to excuse myself or various OHs thoughtless behaviour, but just trying to put across the selfish stopouts viewpoint of it all. Don't know if the "being graceful" approach works as a guilt trip with blokes though.

Can only suggest trying turning the tables on them in some other way that gets up their nose. Like not allow them to have a hangover/lie in. ( I know I wouldn't dare have one even if I am looking/feeling extremely poorly as it serves me right.) And yes re reading my post I think I am a bit selfish and will have to try and mend my ways.

Just skimmed over this tread, but madmaz, your post did make me laugh. Good on you for having a spontaneous social life. It's something IMO mothers tend to sacrifice too readily.

My dh has just wandered in from the pub. He was roped into quiz night, ha ha! and has proffered me a bottle of low standard, but highly appreciated pina colada. In moments such as these, I remind him that I will be going out sometime soon, and he'll be staying in. Not spontaneous, alas, but at least a reciprocal agreement. He has also asked me if I would like to go for a chinese meal with a group of friends next week, so him going out does increase our social life.

Tillysmummy, my DH also has a corporate job (he actually has one full-time job and a second job where he acts as President for another organisation). As you can imagine, he is very busy - he has to attend meetings, conferences and functions on a regular basis and he travels about once a month (usually away for about 4 nights at a time). So I've been through all the same things as you - I find it hard being at home with my son when he's away staying in hotels and going out to dinner with people. Sometimes his company also organises "team building" get-aways, where a group of people stay on a boat or in a resort for a few days. He is usually required to go to these things and I get really uncomfortable because I know everyone always ends up drinking and having a good time - so I have to admit that I end up giving him a mouthful sometimes. Like you, I always tell myself that I won't say anything the next time, but I always do. On the good side, he is not the type of guy to hang out with his mates or go drinking, and he takes me to as many functions as he can. We also get decent money and several benefits because of his job(s). But it can be a lonely life sometimes! I am studying part-time (it makes me feel like I am achieving something) and I try to catch up with my friends when I can, but I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how it feels. It's a difficult time of life when we are raising children because it can be so limiting, as well as rewarding.

Ooh, team building, Liamsmum. My favourite gripe. There's a lot of that goes on in the companies round here. Lets just say it does nothing for team building at home.

I confess to sometimes getting shirty if my DH goes out, although he only goes about three or four times a year. I myself go out quite often, have been known to be out four nights a week. But that's different, isn't it??

Lol SueDonim, don't get me started on the team building exercises!! (I tried to restrain myself there). Let's just call them an excuse to go out and get blind drunk and no one at home will even know what you're up to. I know of a few people in my dh's company that won't even allow their partners to go... too bad for the rest of us who don't have much say in the matter. It definitely does NOTHING for the morale at home.

Well ladies, it does make me chuckle. I suppose I am quite lucky really, my DH doesn't do it that often at all but he has 3 in a very short space of time, tonight, Monday and Wednesday.

Tonight Im quite looking forward to an evening on my own and my god I'm going to try and bite my stinging tongue !!! After all, it is 'marketing' !

I have arranged to stay with a friend next Wednesday so will have a couple of glasses and a good laugh.

Am going to go and stay with another friend week after so I can have a good night out and he can look after DD - after all, he's always telling me to.

I think the thing that niggles me most is that he'll be having such a laugh. He's at the races all day today, drinking champers, smoking ciggies (although we're both supposed to have given up, I would only smoke a couple in the evenings but have stopped that and he would smoke only when going out but 20 in the space of a few hours !!!) - so Im insanely jealous but will try and curb the green monster and look to the future. We're going out with friends for dinner in London on Friday night and Im looking forward to it loads.

So any good last minute suggestions for making me a nice adoring wife instead of a vile,spitting green monster later on tonight ?!

Meant reading this thread does make me chuckle. Nice to know I'm not the only one ! I

Oh and also meant to say Madmaz, of course I make him get up early and look after dd when he has a hangover - just so he fully appreciates it !!

I just heard from a friend who lives in Glasgow but is coming here on business tomorrow. I have just invited him for tea and have arranged to go out with him in the evening - all without my dh's consent! But then he goes out every weekend and every Wednesday night to play squash (and pub after) so I don't feel guilty at all, it's about time I had a night out!

Good for you ! I've arranged a stay away night with a friend in a couple of weeks - can't wait !