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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Decision time - to stay or go

24 replies

ChinUpBumInBoobsOut · 02/06/2015 09:56

That's it really. DH and I have been together over 15 years but unhappy for the last few. We've arrived at decision time as we can't continue to live in this way. He's left it up to me to decide. Says he loves me the same as he always has, doesn't want to separate/divorce and doesn't know if he can live being a weekend Dad to our 2 DDs. He had a very troubled childhood, worse than most would experience which left him with anger issues. He lost his job a few years ago and gradually slid down into drink/drugs over the last 4 years, earning very little and not contributing in other ways to family life. An incident occurred which was a massive wakeup call and has been clean & sober for the last 4 months and had MH counselling. He's calmer, working and is ashamed and sorry for how sh&t he made everything and wants to get on with life with me & kids. Problem is I'm still affected by it all. I still love him but I can't get over everything he put us all through. I watched him and worse, allowed him to nearly destroy our lives. There is no easy option and separating will hurt us all. He's doing well and trying to move on but I'm stuck re-running every horrible thing he ever did and don't know how to not think these things and now its crunch time and for me to decide if I want a life together with him again. Truth be told, I'm just scared he'll let us down again if we stay but I'm also scared of the impact on myself and kids if we split.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChinUpBumInBoobsOut · 02/06/2015 10:00

Sorry, I should've added I'm also scared that he won't cope with a split as he's already said he can't live like that.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 02/06/2015 10:05

If you both still care about your relationship, try to mend it before you call it
a day. Get yourselves to Relate who will give you constructive help and guidance.

Good luck

Lovingfreedom · 02/06/2015 10:14

I'd recommend individual counselling for you. It could help you to make the decision and prepare for change either in or out of the marriage. All the best x

trackrBird · 02/06/2015 10:34

I would not live with someone who nearly destroyed my or my children's lives: whatever kind of childhood he had, whatever issues he had. You might feel differently: but if you truly felt you wanted to stay, and had accepted what happened. you wouldn't be here asking about it.

Your children have already suffered. As an outsider, I would say they were at less risk of further suffering in a separated relationship, than if you carry on as before.

flora717 · 02/06/2015 10:35

It's grossly unfair of him to leave this up to you and to lay the burden of him not coping alone. He has done work, but is it enough? Is he continually improving? is he sorry for what you had to cope with? Does he recognise his responsibility for his own previous actions and future?

I suggest counselling for you, you've gone through a great deal and are still "the string one". What assurances do you have this will not repeat?

flora717 · 02/06/2015 10:36

*strong

Original poster

ChinUpBumInBoobsOut · 02/06/2015 10:59

Thanks so much for comments. I had 2 sessions of individual counselling but was too expensive to continue. He won't go to relate. I think the damage has been done but he's improving and ready to move on and I'm not. I believe he is truly sorry for the past years but has said he can't change that so is trying to be a better person from now on. My head is all over the place and I definitely can't go back to how it was. We're supposed to be discussing tonight. Thanks again lovely people x

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/06/2015 11:17

He may be sorry for what has happened but its too little and far too late.

His own childhood was bad but not all people resort to what he did and try and destroy other people's lives as a result. He has made a long series of bad choices and you cannot be expected to say, "ok then" to him now.

Do you not think that actually separating would be better for you all?. I daresay that your children have already been more than impacted enough by the events of their parents imploding marriage over the last few years which they have also seen played out. Its better for them to have two parents apart and happier than be together and miserable; you both cannot stay together anyway just because of them and your fears of impacting them by separating.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what have they learnt to date?.

trackrBird · 02/06/2015 15:42

If I can borrow a phrase from another MNer - remember, you don't owe anybody a relationship.

Joysmum · 02/06/2015 16:18

Do you think things will improve?

If you don't then leave, if you do then maybe delay that decision and give him longer to prove, or disprove himself.

heyday · 02/06/2015 16:30

Have you asked your doctor to refer you for counselling as this may be cheaper/free. I think it would be incredibly sad to split up whilst you both admit that you still love each other. I had a very close family member almost destroy my life and that of her little boy. We went to hell and back. However, with lots of talking/ counselling we are trying to piece our lives together again. I wont ever forget what she put us through but she is definitely changing for the better and therefore I am trying to forgive and slowly trust again. It might have taken a life altering event to make your DP see just what he has put you through and just how much he has to lose. I hope you can get some in depth therapy (both of you) as I think there is still hope that this relationship can survive and, in time, be stronger and happier but communication is key.

Original poster

ChinUpBumInBoobsOut · 02/06/2015 17:07

Thank you, I can see sense in all the responses which have come through. I honestly don't know if things will improve. He says he is committed to being this new person and I know its an ongoing struggle for him to control his anger and avoid past errors. He wants a loving, close relationship and for me to show commitment to him but its too soon for me to do that. I'm still reeling and quite frankly the thought of being physically intimate makes my stomach knot. Maybe counselling is the way forward.

OP posts:

something2say · 02/06/2015 17:14

I would wait if I were you. Wait and see, and prepare financially privately.

Also get him to get some books on child abuse and healing. Get him to demonstrate his commitment by doing that at least if he can't pay for counselling. They will help him.

I also agree with the posters who encourage you to get counselling. Look up the free mind services close to you. It will clear your head to get the past out of it, clear your head to allow a good decision and also give him time.

Healing from trauma can take a long time. If he doesn't really do anything to get there, I would leave xx because his unhealed past will affect him xx but see what he does first xx

Drew64 · 02/06/2015 17:24

MH issues are really hard to get over and I honestly feel for you.
He is quite wrong to suggest it's up to you. You both have a responsibility to the marriage and to your children so it, whatever it is, should be dealt with by both of you, regardless of how you both feel about the situation.
Good luck tonight.

However, please don't throw something away just because it's broken, try to fix it first.
You don't sound as if you are sure yet, give it a try.
I don't need to tell you that all relationships need work now and again, if not constantly. MH issues don't make that any easier but please don't throw it away.

Charlesroi · 02/06/2015 17:24

He wants you to show commitment to him? Does he mean sex? Forgiveness?
His expectations are strange considering he wont go to Relate, he seems to just expect you to go along with his New Man thing.
In your shoes I think I'd be on edge all the time waiting for him to slip once things get "back to normal" Don't think I could do it.
Could you suggest living apart for a while to see how you all cope? He could still see his children a lot - he doesn't have to be "just" a weekend dad.

Adarajames · 02/06/2015 17:45

If he doesn't want to split then he should agree to goin to relate with you. He can't expect you to be the only one soon the work, especially when was his behaviour / issues that caused much of the problems in the first place! If he's not prepared to go, then how much does he really want to stay together because he loves you or how much is just because he doesn't want o be alone? 2 rather different situations

Adarajames · 02/06/2015 17:45

to do not soon

pocketsaviour · 02/06/2015 17:48

So:
He doesn't want to end the relationship, but
He won't go to Relate
and
He's using emotional blackmail to try to make you stay ("I don't know if I can live like that...")

If he truly wanted to change and rebuild the relationship, he'd be falling over himself to go to relate, whatever, to prove to you that he had changed.

He still has an addict's mentality and has not taken responsibility for the trauma he put you and the kids through, let alone tried to make amends.

You need to put the kids first now, because given his attitude, he WILL relapse.

Duckdeamon · 02/06/2015 17:49

What do you mean "anger issues"? If he was verbally or emotionally abusive to you on top of the damage done by his alcohol/drug use and associated behaviour I would call it a day.

It is very crap of him to supposedly leave the decision to you but pile on threats and emotional blackmail. And not to agree to joint counselling.

You are not responsible for his sobriety.

Duckdeamon · 02/06/2015 17:51

He sounds very self absorbed and wanting to paper over the damage he's done to the relationship and family. Having a crap childhood is no excuse.

Original poster

ChinUpBumInBoobsOut · 02/06/2015 17:56

He's been having MH counselling for the last couple of months and feels empowered now he understands more of his past behaviour but feels couples counselling is a waste of time. I don't just want to throw the towel in but equally I'm feeling rushed into a decision I'm not ready to make yet. Yes, sex or lack of it is a major issue but it has been for some time anyway, I have to feel good to want sex, he wants sex to feel good. I am on edge and scared of getting emotionally trampled on again. Temporary separation is a non-starter for him, we're either together or not, no inbetween.

I have to sign-off now. Thank you for comments and for sharing your experiences xx

OP posts:

trackrBird · 02/06/2015 19:21

He seems to be dictating the terms rather, for someone who is trying to make amends.

Temporary separation, for example, might be necessary for you, whether he thinks it a non-starter or not. Feeling rushed also suggests his wishes are taking precedence over yours.

I hope your discussion goes well.

tipsytrifle · 02/06/2015 20:20

I agree totally with trackrBird. Was just about to suggest that he gives you some space when I saw your last post. It is all about him, according to him - all or nothing - but it isn't. It's all about you, in truth. If he can't see that, he really hasn't started on the road to recovery and re-coupling.

And of course, how could you be ready to resume intimacy when he's dictating terms and conditions based on his own revelations that don't seem to include how you damn well feel?

I think you should recognise that your journey through life is actually about you. Who you let share it is entirely up to you.

Duckdeamon · 02/06/2015 20:51

Your last post is worrying. So he's pressuring you for sex and has found counselling useful to understand and empower himself, but thinks he's the judge of whether it'd be useful for the two of you, or you alone, and has decided not. And is threatening to end the relstionship if you (understandably) need time out. Not great.

Seems to me he's "emotionally trampling" you right now. Perhaps he's never stopped.

If he's doing the traditional "twelve steps" he doesn't seem to be doing some of them very well!

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