Dad is having a mid life crisis! Argh!

[BertieBotts]

So, this is weird. I heard yesterday that my father and stepmother are separating. He's moving out, leaving her with two children (my half siblings). His side (through my sister) is that they have "grown apart" and "the pressures of life" have led to this. DSis1 is baffled, as am I - I know you don't know what the state of someone's relationship is behind closed doors, but they always seemed very solid. They've just finished doing up a derelict farmhouse

So I phoned up last night. I live in a different country. He was out, so I ended up chatting to my stepmum for ages, mostly just catching up, but we did talk a fair bit about the separation. Her story is MUCH different - apparently, he's saying that he doesn't do anything for himself, he doesn't have any hobbies, doesn't feel free, he doesn't really like living in the country after all, it's all been her dream, not his. She's really baffled and although she comes across as stoic, of course pretty hurt by this. She isn't a controlling person, she's always encouraged him to go and do his own thing, they went off travelling before they had DC, she said she was aware that the house in the country thing was more her dream than his, but she'd always double checked he was genuinely as enthused about it as she was, and he said he was.

She described that he is drinking a lot recently, that he is very bitter (this fits exactly with my impression of him, I have to admit that we're not hugely close and I don't feel like I know him very well) and that he never goes out and does anything. He did recently (in the last year) lose a parent, and I know that grief can cause people to act in unpredictable or strange ways, but this just seems really bizarre - everything he is saying, he could do IN his marriage. I know that sometimes people just need to make a clean break, and I'd never be one for pushing someone to stay in a relationship which makes them unhappy, but it seems as though the unhappiness is coming from him, not the relationship.

I tried to talk to him tonight, but he had my DSis2 with him, so I couldn't really talk freely (she is a child), and he kept it fairly neutral. I would like to hear his side, so I will wait until he's actually moved out, which is planned for next week, and speak to him then, but for now I'm just experiencing such a mix of emotions about it.

Not really sure why I'm posting except that this board feels like "home" as much as any place on MN and it would be nice to have a supportive ear or any kind of insight into WTF might be going on. I have an idea, especially as I suspect he's rather like me, but I'm trying really really hard not to jump to any conclusions especially before I speak to him myself.

Hi, op, it does sound like he is having some sort of crisis or it could be that he's getting cold feet. It's all very strange. I think the best you van do is try & talk to him when you know he is on his own. Good luck x

How old is he? How long have they been married?

My first instinct would be to say OW - but perhaps that's just because it's so common to see men leave a relationship only when someone else is in the picture.

It could be a mid-life crisis of some sort or it could be that he's had enough of doing up the farmhouse and trying to raise a second family. It certainly sounds as if he's had a lot to deal with especially as he's recently lost a parent. Perhaps he's just exhausted with it all?

The drinking sounds a bit worrying though so I would keep an eye on that if I were you. The fact that your step mum mentioned it does seem to suggest he might have a problem.

Hope you manage to speak to your dad soon.

He doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want the life he's got. He might have an OW, or he might just be fed up and want to be on his own (or without his wife at least). I'm confused as to why you're confused - why do you feel they should have to explain the ins and outs of their unhappiness to you? He might not know himself why his feelings have changed, and even if he does, he really doesn't have to tell his dd all about it! He might tell you all about it and it'll be sex-related, bet you'll wish you hadn't asked!

A lot of men do not like the pressure and mundane life of having a family. Your dad sounds like one of them men. Long as he is an involved father there not much you can do or say to make any difference.

how old is your father, OP? just wondering when the mid life crisis is supposed to happen nowadays.
But yes, it sounds like he is fed up and trapped especially if he doesn't like the country living. Might have out wife first for a while but now his true feelings come out, too much compromises for him?

put, not 'out'

and many, not 'much' argh!

This sounds like he might be depressed. I know a lot of people don't view depression this way but my ex acted exactly like this and didn't seem at all depressed (seemed more like he woke up one morning and turned into an aggressive, selfish dick) but the signs like drinking and thrill seeking are actually quite classic.

I'd really advise visiting the depression fallout website and buying the book. It's enlightening. I personally think midlife crisis and depression are one and the same in men.

Women tend to direct depression inwards "what is wrong with me?". Men direct outwards "What is wrong with my wife?". Sorry to make such a broad generalisation but have found it to be true.

There's also a website called Storied Mind. Go and look...it described my depressed ex to a tee. He blamed me for how crap he felt...left me...and years later he feels just as crap and realises it was never me!

He's about fiftyish (vague). Second marriage - first was my mum. I do agree he might well be depressed. I've suffered depression myself and it's not a stranger to me. I know that feeling of low motivation, of wanting to run from everything very well. They have been married more than 15 years, so it's not a recent thing.

Did manage to speak to my mum about it later, and she told me some (vague, nothing private) things I wasn't previously aware of about how he grew up, etc, which has made me back off a bit. Obviously still want to be there for him, but am less angry/confused. I think he's just struggling quite a bit and doesn't really have any avenues to deal with it.

LOL involved father. To be fair to him, he does the mundane stuff, and he does it without complaint. But for his first two children, me and DSis1, he is barely involved at all. I think - I hope - he will continue to be involved in my half siblings' life. I feel, have felt, very abandoned by him at various times of my life. I just accept that's the way he is, but I would hate for them to suffer through that as well, especially as they are hitting their teens now.

I don't think there is an OW although you never know, I suppose! Could be sex related - lol - I don't think my stepmum would hold back on that TBH

I don't feel like I'm owed any explanation at all, I just wanted to talk about how it was making me feel. Otherwise, you know, I'd talk to them directly (which I have, of course) rather than post on a talk board.