Husband doesn't co-parent/ works all hours and leaves me to deal with the fall out

[CrankyCarp]

I don't really know where to begin with this. I feel like I'm a 2015 woman trapped some bizarre time-warp 50's marriage. Ive never told anyone in real life what my marriage is like but i can't believe I can go on like this.
I'm married to a workaholic (and I mean serious work-holic) who spends 5 hours or less physically 'with us' a week and the rest of the time in his office at work/ in his office at home or sleeping (in the office!). We have not had sex for over 9 months. We never spend any time together let alone go on dates! The only contact I have with him is at mealtimes (when he's here) then after the meal he scoots back up to his office and closes the door on us (physically and emotionally).

My two boys are both ASD the youngest has particularly high needs. I have to do everything on my own - attend parent meetings/write ECHP requests/ visit the doctors / paediatrician's etc. He is never here for the school plays/ concerts etc. He never ever spontaneously offers to look after the boys to give me a break. He never spends more than a cursory 30 minutes with either of his children. The last time I went out socially without the kids was in November and then he moaned that I was back late (i'd been out for 3 hours and it wasn't even midnight.) This week a dear friend is having a party on the other side of London - i told him I wanted to go weeks ago but yesterday he told me he has a work deadline and won't be here to help me out. what sucks most of all is I can't get our usual babysitter and he has 'forbidden me' to use someone I don't know making the case that the boy's won't settle with someone new because of the ASD (he's probably right) and that the other side of London is too far to go for a party. I don't have the cash to book a trial with a baby sitter + petrol + baby sitting for the night so I guess this party is not happening.

I work my guts out for my family, cook, clean, look after my children, deal with all the school stuff and when I get a moment I help with husband's business (do admin) marketing etc. I feel unappreciated, undervalued and a complete failure to my sex for putting with it all. I have no sources of income of my own. We don't own the property we live in (for all the work my husband does we need seem to make anything significant from it). He's cut me off from most of my friends - what the hell do I do?

Darling I bet you did not shut him out after having a baby, we all readjust after having children and even I co-slept for seven months after one of mine but it did not mean my husband resorted to the same tactics yours has.

If you do not want to leave him would he work on things with you?

Unfortunate jealousy does not equate to love it's to do with insecurity and to keep that insecurity in check control measures are required. Which is what your husband is doing to you.

But you've gotta live your life......I understand your a mother but life doesnt begin and end there or at least it shouldn't.

If nothing changes. Nothing changes. I can promise that.

Please take some steps to resolve this situation. Confide in your mother perhaps? Tell someone what is going on.

You really do deserve a night out, even an hour out. Something, anything.

You are like a house keeper, cleaner, nanny, cook, administrator etc the only difference is they all get time off.

In which case the very first thing you should be doing is garnering some real life support. Confide in your mother. Two heads being better than one etcetera. I daresay she'd be horrified to know how lonely and neglected you feel in your marriage. Actually, scratch that: how lonely and neglected you are in this non-marriage. He doesn't even want to sleep in the same bed as you. What's that all about?

Can you take the boys with you to the party (to sleep upstairs) and stay with your friend for a few days to give him time to wake up and.see.what has happened and you to have some headspace?

OP with regard to your comments about your son "not settling" with a strange babysitter, well, it doesn't really matter if he doesn't settle one evening as long as he is safe and with a responsible adult. And all babysitters are strange the first time you use them aren't they? Just keep using her afterwards until she becomes "not strange" lol.

I really think you should book a babysitter (and a hairdresser) and GO TO THE PARTY! with your phone switched off. Make sure you look absolutely gorgeous too, after all, looking good I the best revenge!

It's not just me!

In my case, my career hasn't been going so well the last few years. We moved from California in 07 when DH got a tenure track job in Pittsburgh. I had had a good job in CA, but since moving here I've had a succession of contract jobs. My social skills are not so good, so I don't tend to interview well. Unfortunately, California was more casual about such things than most jobs here, so it's more of a problem here. I'm disappointed in how my career has gone since we moved, I suspect DH is too, and I feel guilty about it.

I'm also absolute crap at any kind of organizing stuff, so the house is a mess. I feel bad about that, too.

I'm not really interested in having DH watch DD so I could go out. I want some time to read or play computer games.

He works all the time. He has tenure, so I know they can't fire him if he doesn't.