Husband making me doubt myself and making me look stupid in counselling

[IsHeGaslighting]

I have name changed for this as I think he knows my usual name.

We have been having counselling as he wants to try and save the marriage but is denying things and making me feel stupid.

I mentioned something that was bothering me, about his reaction to something we had talked about and he had sulked.

He accused me of not trusting my parents in the original conversation (not at the counselling) yet when I brought this up he denied he said it, and said I must have misinterpreted what he said. He also told the counsellor he had offered an alternative at the time. (It was about a weekend away, I didn't want to go abroad as I don't like leaving the kids and I'm terrified of flying, which he knows, I said I was happy to go in the UK).

He did say that about my parents, as I remember him saying it at the time, and I told a couple of my friends who remember it too, as I was upset at the time.

He also sulked and didn't want to talk about it, so didn't offer an alternative. My friend remembers this too.

He turns into this charming person with the counsellor, and I just wanted to call him up on it, but there's no point as he would deny it.

I just wanted some acknowledgement from him, even if he couldn't remember just saying, oh I'm sorry I don't remember saying that, rather than categorically saying he didn't say it.

I'm seeing the counsellor on my own next time so I will mention this, but if I bring things up he either denies them, or says he will help with things,even though when I have asked before he never helped.

It's like he's saying the right things to the counsellor so he looks good, it's all about his image.

I just start to doubt myself and think that if I start pulling him up on it I will look petty and he will deny it, as the counsellor even said I was probably misinterpreting what he said!

He's saying what he thinks are the right things but I know he's talking bullshit, is there even any point mentioning it too the counsellor as i know she isn't going to take sides?

Same as all of you. My ex ran rings round a very experienced couples counsellor. No good will come of it. He sounds vile.

Stop going to counselling with him.

This is exactly the reason why counselling isn't recommended with someone that's abusive. tbh if I were you, I'd be having individual counselling with a different counsellor.

If this counsellor thinks you are both trying to make this work when actually your DH is point scoring and gaslighting then she is not the right counsellor for you.

She is taking sides - by missing the signs that he is abusive. Your DH is feeling vindicated and you're feeling confused about the reality of your relationship.

Tell them both that it isn't working for you.

There are good counsellors who will help you through this. Find one and go to them on your own. There is nothing to be gained from continuing this charade. It's making your situation worse

Thank you for all your replies.

I want to start believing in myself and have the confidence to leave, but over the years he has knocked my confidence so much.

I now also feel on edge about the housework, as he made a comment in the last session, I don't even feel like I can leave the washing up until the morning.

He had a week away recently with work, and it was so nice just pleasing me and the kids, a lot more relaxed, it made me see how bad things really are.

....also how good things could be to not have him there at all ?

You don't need a counsellor to tell you that

Cancel the joint sessions, and tell him why.

That says everything. You don't want this marriage, you don't want him. Tell him that you don't want to be with him anymore and start divorce proceedings.

You don't need permission to end a marriage, the other person doesn't have to be recognised as abusive. You desperately want out so end it now.