Is this emotional abuse?

[Wearit]

Hi all, this thread is inspired by another thread whereby a woman was describing her obvious emotional and physical abuse. I have a few examples to give and I really am unsure if it is emotional abuse or whether I am being sensitive or we are just incompatible:

1. Regularly complains about the untidiness of the house if things are not put away in rightful place. Nb: the house is immaculate, there might be the odd letter I have not filed away but this hardly resonates the need to shout 'what the eff is this?!!!' under breath from time to time. For context, I work part time. When I eventually got a cleaner in to help, he found this ridiculous as the woman had multiple children and more on her plate than me, with one DD. I cancelled the cleaner. When he was away for the weekend just gone, he came back and started tidying up, rather than just dropping everything to catch up with DD and I - even though the house was tidy!
2. He will not put me on deeds of house. There is no mortgage but I pay majority of my earnings to family pot so do not have a nest egg for myself.
3. He is dissatisfied with our lives together, constantly says he is bored-nothing to do, he wants excitement and adventure. He steps up his grumpiness levels if I do not comply with his idea for a major life change. It makes me feel I must agree to keep the peace but then I get in a tangle as I am agreeing to something I do not want to do and therefore making the problem worse as it then becomes my fault.
4. He resents that we 'always visit my family' - when we see his all the time (pretty much daily)and he has only been to my parents house once a year for many years at Christmas. Says I am attached to my mum's apron strings (she looks after DD while I work on a Friday).
5. When I do not agree with DH's future life plans, he compares me to my brother (in a derogatory way), who does not drive and needs a lot of support from my mum. He also says I am ready to wind down and retire as I don't share his dream for an adventurous life.
6. Can be cold if not getting regular sex.
7. Constantly on phone or iPad instead of engaging with DD.
8. Gets frustrated with me as 'I never see what needs doing.' He also once shouted at me that I was like a child as I asked him if British Gas read the meter or if we need to.
9. Has in the past been with me in a city and allowed me to lead the way (knowing I was going wrong), to laugh at my lack of direction afterwards.

10. Will take me to the cinema to see what he wants to watch but then gives me 'the look' at my film choice and says it is more of a DVD viewing.

There are good things about DH as I wouldn't be with him otherwise. The above does not happen all the time either, but I have to say I have eventually become very drained - even though the above is nowhere as bad as others have described. I feel I will never be able to please him and my self esteem has taken a battering. I feel so numb inside.

Please let me have your viewpoints on this.

Thanks for reading.

I was actually going to say that some of these things may not be abusive, it very much depends on context and circumstances. Things like picking a film or having different standard of tidiness I would put down as the little disagreements that couples have. Not having you on the deeds, however, seems like financial abuse. Happily, as you are married it belongs to you anyway.

But then when I saw your last post and you said am scared to call it a day as I am afraid of his reaction believe it or not! this really struck me, because if you are at the point where you are literally scared of his emotions, then there is clearly some level of abuse going on. (Unless you are a person who is very anxious about confrontations with anyone?)

Yes I do, I am always nice to him.

Maybe I need a self respect transplant

And when I say "some level of abuse" - any abuse is unacceptable within a relationship.

I'm going through everything you have described and it's mental abuse the are so fucked up In the head they need help I'm counting down the months until I can financially get out of here my name not on house either I'm not married have three kids, I was so nieve for along time I couldn't see what was going on now I've turned in to a complete bitch I answer him down to the ground and I don't care if it starts a fight or puts him in bad form, I asked him to leave and if pay mortgage he won't go but he's saying he won't pay me maintenance if I go.

he doesn't get to choose to pay maintenance or not - it is a legal requirement.

A lot of this behaviour very passive aggressive; which is in itself very abusive, especially as you can't always pin it down as it can be hidden hostility.

It's hard to put your finger on as often it's done very slyly and took me ages to realise my ex was being abusive; often I put the blame on myself

Do google passive aggressive relationships and you may be surprised at what you find (if you've not already done this). Most people think they know what PA is but when I looked it up properly (read through a few websites) it was a revelation. Particularly the being cold if he doesn't get what he wants, huffing and swearing under his breath etc, blaming you, even though there is inequality over visiting your families you're the problem etc. The making you do things like map read so he can laugh at you is bullying and way out of order.

In my experience the only way out is to leave.

Also shocking that he won't put you on the deeds. I wouldn't put up with it.

This guy sounds like he has little respect. Does he do a fair share of the housework?

A marriage is meant to be equal, loving, caring etc. Sounds like it's time to look for the door!

My family are going on a holiday to Florida next year I haven't been away with them in 7 years I have a credit union with good bit savings the loan finishes in January I mentioned I mite go on holiday with them he said don't touch your credit union to go we need that money if something happens in the house,I said I'm putting nothing into the house until my name on it that's my credit union and money il do what I want with it,then he said I mite go with yes on holiday what do I do.

Madi - start your own thread love. And I would take advice to leave him asap if I were you.

Call Women's Aid.

Hello all, we had a chat last night and DH called me an oap and a dwindler, lacked a plan in life because I do not share his dream.i told him again how his behaviour over the years has made me feel and worn me down. He refuses to agree or understand he has done anything wrong, says I can't handle criticism. I said we both want different things in life and the only way I see to resolve it is for me to move out. He went out for a swim and came back wanting a cuddle? And this morning being very pleasant and nice. I just don't get it!!

Now he is in the nice part of the abuse cycle till he kicks off again; the cycle of abuse is a continuous cycle. His tactic is also designed to further confuse you, his actions however, are all deliberate and contrived. Such abusive men like yours never accepts any responsibility for their actions either nor apologises for same. He has no respect for you whatsoever, you are just a wife to him - washing, ironing, fucking etc. Sorry to be so blunt but that is what you are to him.

I would not be at all concerned about these women seeing you as a golddigger (why would they see you as that anyway?); they do not have to live with him and his abuse of you day in and day out.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Is this really what you want to teach your DD about relationships particularly as she gets older; to hear her dad call you her mum an oap and dwindler?.

Please talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

Meerkat-you are right that he has no respect for me. I told him I thought this last night during our discussion and he indignantly said, 'well do something then to earn more money! DO something!!' (I work pt). He didn't reassure me he did respect me

I will take your advice and speak to woman's aid, I will be interested to hear what they say.

I have also spoken to a close friend in RL who revealed she thinks H is a narcissist.

Whatever he is - he isn't very nice is it. Classic cycle of abuse, justifies in his own mind that he really is 'nice. and designed to upskittle and confuse you. What a charmer he is...

I think if you are married, it doesn't matter if you're on the deeds. That's my take on it. You get half if you're married.

I am not worried about how much I will get - not would I consider taking half.

Just more concerned with not feeling the way I feel anymore, and feeling the pressure of taking my life in a direction I don't want it to go.

I don't understand his reticence about the deeds, if it's not about money. But that's on top of the other stuff. To be honest, I don't think even 3 of those things would be too dreadful in themselves. A PP said he should be nice to you all the time. Well, I think that's entirely unrealistic. People make mistakes/ have bad days. But all those put together...and the deeds thing. It's not good.

it is about control, and the fact he wrongly thinks by keeping it in his name he will keep it after divorce.

I am in the same position as you (why i am trawling the net for solace) and can sympathise completely. I know my other half will get angry and make things awkward for me, he knows I hate confrontation and to top it off he is being ok atm so I feel guilty about having these thoughts. I know that his mood will soon change though, he can barely contain it as it is. I have been sleeping on the sofa for over a week now because I have managed to get my head around the best situation (us being apart) and feel as though I would be letting myself and our 2yr old girl down if I drift back to 'normal life'
I don't know how to raise the subject with him as he didnt believe me last weekend and I don't want to hurt him, make him angry or be manipulated into trying...yet again to make it work.
Thankfully our mortgage is joint but will still prob lose the house :-(
Sorry to go on about me I just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one - be strong and I wish you luck and happiness!

Thanks LLG123, good luck and best wishes to you. You sound strong!

Does anyone have advice on how to stay strong and get out of the cycle while living in the same house?

I went through this too. Almost exactly as I was accused of being lazy etc. Things have dramatically improved since each of us got counseling. Separately.

It is a long process. I am learning to stand up for myself and lose the fear of confrontation. He is learning how his childhood contributed to his attachment issues.
We got to the stage where counseling was all that was left. I went first and then he realised he had to catch up.
It has worked but it is still hard. Well worth the money if you want to stay together.

Wearit are you able to go stay somewhere else while you sort things out a bit? I can't imagine it being easy having to stay there.

The only thing i could suggest (having not been in that situation myself - me and my ex never lived together - he only stayed around my place most of the time, even though we had a baby!) is focussing on sorting everything out while you can when you're at home. Taking time to go formulate a (secret) plan - e.g. finances, practicalities, making lists of what needs to be done, having back up plans, getting documents / important stuff together, and work through it systematically until you're in a position whereby you feel you can leave and have some plans set up / in place, set up your own accounts etc.

This kind of practical thinking is what gets me through difficult situations...

I agree with griselda, having practical plans in place helps (although I don't want to leave the house as its our little girls home, I have 2 dogs and a cat and I run my dog walking and daycare business from here so it would be difficult to find somewhere else). But if I need to I have plenty of places I could go as long as I am willing to 'let the world know' our problems.
But I think to the future - I daydream that I am able to visit family without having to worry about excuses as to why he isn't with me or worrying about whether he is mingling ok (sometimes even having someone else with me who gets on really well with them so we can all have a good laugh), about trips out or holidays with my daughter without worrying about what mood he is in, whether he will have a go at me for something or not even try to be interested in something I want to do, about pyjama days without constantly having to think about what we are doing next, about having time to sort the garden out without his time limits...the list goes on. These really help me to focus when we are in a state of truce as we are now so I don't agree to keep flogging the dead horse. I also focus on his good points (he isn't always a complete monster!) because if I didn't I would feel too guilty to leave - I need to believe that he will be ok and that he will grow on his own and continue to be a good dad because the alternative would just have to be dealt with as and when :-( I don't have mental energy to deal with every scenario!
Thanks for saying I sound strong - I don't feel it but one of my negative points (according to my partner) is that I skip through life without a thought for problems we have...I see it as only worrying about things when you need to otherwise I would be a bag if nerves! And I do deal with things when they need to be sorted, I don't ignore problems i just don't try to guess what the next one will be! ...sorry trying to justify myself again :-/
You can be strong, just try to focus on the necessary things (roof over your heads, money for food and safety etc) then the other thingsbcan be built onto that. Good luck and all the best!
Ps: im not that strong lol, still on sofa, still not had the talk... I need some balls ;-)

Thanks LLG123, it does sound like we are in very similar situations and both starting to see things objectively, although this is difficult at times. Last night I was out with friends, and when I came back, he offered to sleep in 'my bed' in the spare room as I have been lately. He was making a dig. I said he could do what he liked so he did. I got into bed in the other and started to wind down. The next thing I know he is getting into bed with me! Wanting cuddles and more! Usually I would placate him and go along with it-but last night said I wanted to go to sleep. He said he was sorry to have upset me. Upset doesn't cover it! I feel damaged! When he comes in I feel nervous as to what mood he will be in!

I also think to the future sometimes and envision how relaxed my home and I could be; how it would be nice to leave a mug on the table, or not do wash up immediately, and potentially have a partner in my life who wants the best for all of us and not for themselves!

I know it will be so hard to leave as I have no money and know DH will make my life very difficult. So I carry on hoping that he will change for the better and so it goes on.

wearit - don't mean to sound like a pessimist but it doesn't sound like he will change. the thing is, do you want to endure several more years of this and be miserable, or do you want to take control now and do what needs to be done?

money might be an issue in the very short term but there are options available - benefits, support with finding housing etc, and you will find out you are much competent at managing these things and coping than you are giving yourself credit for. And be happy too!

Was that the first time you'd mentioned leaving, OP? You noticed his dramatic about-face after you said it, because you sounded confused by it. That was completely his intention, so that you feel (as you do) like you don't have anything to complain about. My STBXH, who was similar to yours, was indignant when I was leaving him: "But I've been nice to you for weeks; what more do you want?!" He didn't get that the niceness was to achieve something for himself, so it wasn't about me at all.

So you told him you felt he had no respect for you and he twisted that round to be your fault? Classic. His behaviour, your fault. Mine made his moods into my responsibility. I wasn't allowed emotions because they got him down!

What I did was to stop talking about leaving and start planning it. For a while, I didn't believe that I was going to act on those plans, but they made me feel less trapped. Make an appointment with a solicitor, one of those free half-hour ones most do, and find out how much of the house you're entitled to. And don't say you don't want the money - this is for your DD. She needs space from him even more than you do, to learn that this behaviour, this treatment of her mother, is not normal and not acceptable. And you need money to give her a chance at a happy, secure childhood.

If you don't share the same dreams of the future etc he is probably resentful and behaving accordingly. I don't think he's abusive. Frustrated and acting badly maybe. Split and let him follow his dreams with someone who shares them and find someone who shares yours.